The Fire........

My older daughter "M" and I and I were talking about memories that she had from her past with her brothers and sister. We talked about stuffed animals, favorite books, movies, toys ect. I told she her older brother who liked reading comics, and the Goosebumps sereis, and then he loved Harry Potter. "M" liked The Babysitters Club and Nancy Drew. Amanda liked reading what "M" read and then Bogey loved comics, Go Away Big Green Monster, and anything bugs or dinosaurs.

"M" and I also talked about favorite toys, dolls, stuffed animals that each of them had. "M" and her younger sister  loved Little House on the Prarie and they liked to pretend to be Mary and Laura Ingles. They even had little outfits they could dress up in. Speaking of dress-up, the kids had a huge box full of dress up clothes which included Halloween costumes, and thrift shop clothes that were fun to dress up in. All four of them would play for hours pretending to be someone or something else. Bogey truly thought he was Buzz Lightyear. I kid you not. Bogey would wear that costume EVERYWHERE!!! I had to bribe him to take it off so I could wash it.

As I talked to "M", I would say that it is unfortunate that everything burnt in the fire. After a few times saying that she asked-"What fire are you talking about Mom?" I did not realize that she did not know what I meant by saying that. So I explained to her what I was tryng to say.

When my ex-husband and I got divorced, he had access to almost everything we owned together. In his rage, he starting throwing things away that were ours together and things that were mine. After his wife, Melody moved in with him, she threw away all of the childrens toys, books, clothes, and anything that was a reminder of me and Kevin Sr. past together. Any pictures, and videos-gone. Christmas ornaments that were collected over the years-gone Kevin and Melody threw away Halloween, Easter, Valentines decorations- all gone. Each holiday, the kids and I would decorate for the holidays including St. Patricks Day, Fathers Day, Mothers Day. All memories-gone. I had a huge chest with files of the kids reports cards, little things they made at school, homemade cards, first newborn outfits, photo albums-gone. It upsets me to even write about it let alone say this outloud so over the years, I would just say that everything burnt in "the fire." It seems easier for me to refer to all that hatred as a fire. I can honestly say that I know what families feel like when they watch their entire homes go up in flames. They lose everything that defined their pasts. All their memories that they were going to pass on to their children-gone. It is one of the worst feelings in the world. I have no physical reminders of their exsistence as a child growing up in the home of their mom and dad. Ironically, all of their father's and step-mothers hate for me and attempts to make the kids forget I existed, has not been achieved. Each of our children that succeeds in escaping their father's clinch, seeks me out, comes to me, and craves for more knowledge concerning their past...these include happy memories of times with me and their father as a family. Our children cannot forget the nightmarish marriage of abuse. There were good things in our married days and I want the children to recall those times as well. No matter the hate for me by their father, I do not understand why he and his new wife would go out of their way to hurt these children so deeply. It does justify why I finally chose to leave their mean, hateful, selfish father.

This is why I journal. I have a hand-written journal that I write in each week and then this one. It the only physical memory I can give my kids. All other memories left are in my mind and theirs.