My Life With Domestic Violence and Ray Rice

Being that I am a survivor of Domestic Violence, here are my issues with all of this Ray Rice controversy. If you are not familiar with it, then please view link below. 

I typically don't post my frustrations on this venue but this one has ignited issues that I have faced with my ex and his antics in our marriage and since our divorce. This Domestic Violence incident is a perfect example of why abusers still abuse and why women are afraid to leave.

Here are the similarities of this Rice incident and my ex's abuse behaviors.

          Ray Rice, NFL                            Col. Kevin Landers, USARMY

Ray Rice admitted to the NFL that he abused his wife	My ex admitted in a letter to his parents, in-laws, Commander and active Chaplin in March 2005 that he abused his wife (me)
Upon Ray Rice’s admittance, the NFL suspended him for two games for admitting to punching his wife and knocking her out cold	My ex husband did get his hands slapped by the USARMY (his “company”) with a warning that he needs to seek help for his anger issues (something he did not follow through with) or he would get a letter of reprimand which he never received

Hence, both of these abusers got their hands slapped a little after their admittance to physically abusing/beating their woman. After Mr. Rice was charged & thus admitting to police & his employer that he had beaten his wife, a video surfaces showing what Mr. Rice had already disclosed. His account to police & NFL brass did NOT differ from the video.  After TMZ leaked the visual of the “knock-out” punch, the NFL changed the discipline.  You can see Ray Rice’s fiancée/wife step into his personal space and he punches her in the face and she is knocked out cold. He then drags her limp body out of the elevator.

….I was punched in the face. My head, stomach, etc. and kicked in the head & back. I was also dragged up the stairs by my hair and then immediately dragged by my feet/ankles DOWN the stairs as my head hit each step, ONLY to have the process repeated. My ex, the Colonel,  physically threw me and locked me out of our home for hours in freezing weather. He degraded me in front of our children. He degraded our children.  Need I go on or do I need a video to show a visual of how horrible it was? 

Over my 18 year marriage I was beaten consistently unless, of course, he was deployed. If this is too disturbing for you to read, then this is my whole point. Abuse is disturbing and a video should not be a factor in punishing these "admitted' abusers and DEMANDING that they seek help.

After I left my ex in 2005, I stayed quiet for 6 years. In January 2011 I decided to write my story in a blog to dispute lies and finally use my voice. My blog has very graphic, disturbing, unsettling details of my life with my abuser. I decided that if I was going to tell my story, I was not going to “candy-coat” anything. I was going to tell all or none. I don’t have a video, and all the photos of my injuries were destroyed by Kevin when he found them hidden in our closet. But I have 4 witnesses-our 4 children. My children saw the bruises, my bloody face, heard my crying and witnessed many times their fathers rage. My children remember me taking them to Hotels and begging me to not go back home to "daddy." 
In my fears and insecurities and to my children's disappointments-I would go back because I believed Kevin when he would tell me-
"If you ever leave me, I will make your life a living hell." 
He kept his promise.

For the last 3 years, my ex and his second wife actively take me to court to try to silence me. A battle I won’t quit fighting because he has the right to his freedom of speech & so do I. I am truly thankful to our military for my freedoms. I support our troops. I will NEVER allow anyone to beat me down or take my freedoms away from me.

Here is a link to my story:  http://catherinelanders2010-recreatingmyself.blogspot.mx/

I have concerns with the following:

The NFL was fine with suspending Rice for two games after Rice confirmed what the police report stated…no denial on Mr. Rice’s part. However, now that this video has surfaced, the NFL leaders are in an uproar. Why? Because a woman was beaten? I think NOT. The NFL leadership is embarrassed that a video surfaced. They were not horrified when Rice admitted to cold-cocking a woman. That was not shocking enough to the NFL. It took a video for everyone to be appalled by a man punching a woman in the face and knocking her out cold? Mr. Rice had already TOLD the police, NFL brass & team that he did that. How do you think that makes women like me feel when the only way Domestic Violence will be taken seriously is when there is a graphic video?  The video shows an incident of what typically happens behind closed doors and occurred often in my home in the presence of our 4 children. It is the response to incidents like these that keep women quiet about this silent crime. For years now I have mentored to women all over the world and there is always one common denominator. That common denominator is F*E*A*R. Fear that NO ONE will believe them because these men, these mass manipulators, know how to manipulate others and their victims and what is the most sickening is that it is typically the powerful companies like the NFL and the US Army that are not concerned about protecting the victims. They are more concerned about protecting their reputations at any cost even if that means a woman or child has to die before someone notices.

How would have the NFL reacted or in my case the US Army reacted if Rice’s fiancée (or myself) never woke up? At that point you have a family that has lost a daughter, and in my case 4 children that lost their mother to death. Then, would harsher actions be taken?

The Army was fully aware of my ex’s abuses yet he still continues to climb the ranks. Col Kevin Landers was just promoted to Commander of the Army Corps of Engineers and for years he proclaims to anyone that will listen that my Blog is false & he professes, “If I were an abuser, why would  the Army continue to promote me?”

Good question and I have addressed this above.

The Army does not need negative press. The Army has turned a blind eye because in their insane logic-”No one got killed”? How embarrassing would it be for the Army if after all this time and knowledge of my ex's instabilities and the money they have invested in this officer who still exhibits anger issues, ended up killing someone out of rage? What is the military going to do? Dishonorable discharge? For who….the abuser or his victims?

I venture to say that the Army and now the NFL used it’s “we need him on the team” approach. At least this was the NFL’s logic until this video leaked.

I sure would like to ask some of the NFL leaders what action they would have taken if it was one of their daughters or sisters whose limp body was being dragged out of an elevator. I guarantee they would want to take more action than “being suspended” from playing a team sport.

Admission does not correct nor change the past. However, it is the first step towards accountability and accountability is the first step towards recovery.

But, someone with power has to hold these abusers accountable even after they admit their abuses. If no one holds them accountable, then the abuser will keep abusing and at what cost?

Domestic Violence is an issue of life and death. How many more deaths need to occur before this silent crime is taken seriously? Rice's fiancé DID wake up after being punched in the face-thank God. I have awoken after being punched or strangled “out” several times and I am thankful to be alive. But I pay a price every single day.

I have medically documented brain damage (epilepsy Gran Mal seizures) that I was diagnosed with over 4 years ago.

The documented cause? Scar tissue because of consistent blows to my head over 18 years by my ex.

This is something that has no cure and cannot be reversed. Yet, my ex now denies that he ever touched me.

Why? Because there is no video? Or maybe it's sickeningly the obvious. As long as my ex's boss - USARMY - continues to not hold Col. Landers accountable, then why wouldn’t he continue to “act out”. Perhaps it is that they continue to retain an unstable soldier because they need to fill an empty spot at a desk. So therefore abusers like him will keep denying, lying and manipulating society and the system because they continue to get away with their antics.  There wasn't video in my case to show how horribly disturbing, unsettling and scary my hidden abuse truly is.

Shouldn't our voices & his admittance be enough or does society need a "visual" so they can determine that the secret life of a domestic violence victim is a matter of life and death EVERYDAY? If our world has come to only believing what we see then why would any of us be shocked when someone like me or any other victim that has an "admitted" abuser become front page news and the caption reads:

"Mother dead leaving 4 young children behind after ‘accidentally’ falling down a flight of stairs"

I can hear the gasps now.

"But he was a Colonel in the military"

"But he was an active member of his church"

"But there are no police reports"

"But he always so nice to me"

and here's the big one-

BUT THERE WAS NO VIDEO~

Dead is Dead....

link to Ray Rice Story
http://www.washingtonpost.com/sports/redskins/roger-goodells-handling-of-the-ray-rice-case-willful-blindness-and-the-need-to-maintain-plausible-deniability/2014/09/08/68015714-378b-11e4-8601-97ba88884ffd_story.html