I felt compelled to post this entry. I have been abuse
free for 10 years now and for this-I am very thankful. I have written about my
life with my abuser, Col Kevin P. Landers SR in this blog and my writings have
become a part of my healing. But, although most of my days are filled with much
happiness, work, and my need to let go, my mind still reminds me sometimes of
my past in my dreams.
I had a very realistic dream last night, which I wish was
my reality.
I dreamed that Kevin and I were living in my parents’
home in Chicago. My dreams seem to take place in that home when my subconscious
goes to a sad place.
This was my
dream:
Kevin had come home in a bad mood. Something that was realistically typical
with him. He wanted to fight with me. He kept complaining about superficial
things and I knew that it was going to be a long night. I tried to ask him if
he wanted me to reheat his dinner or make a cup of coffee. But he was not in
the mood for my kindness. Because of this, I knew a fight was going to break
out. I told him that I was going into the living room to watch some TV. He
followed me. I asked him if there was something he wanted to watch and he said
no. He just kept staring at me.
So, I proceeded to go into the kitchen, he followed me. I once again asked him
if he wanted me to make him something and he said, "No" and still
kept staring at me.
So I left the kitchen and proceeded to go upstairs.
There were 14 steps in that home. I know there were 14, because I used to count
them especially when my mom would ask me to get my baby brother from his crib.
I would count on the way down with him..."one, two, three, four...."
and he would giggle.
In this dream, I decided that I just wanted to go to
sleep so I lay in the bed on my back with my feet crossed, my hands behind my
head and my eyes closed. I started to doze off to my breathing and then all the
sudden the light was turned on. I jolted and it was Kevin.
I asked him to turn off the light so he did...then he turned it back on again.
I just stared at him in confusion and then he turned it off, then on, then off,
then on...he was toying with me. I was his mouse and he was the cat that wanted
to torture me to feel empowered by the fact that I was "his catch."
I got up from the bed and I tried to walk past him. He
just kept staring at me so I ducked underneath his arm and proceeded to the
hallway where the stairs were. Before I knew it, I was falling down those
stairs as my head hit several times on the way down. It knocked the breath out
of me and I looked at him. He had a smile on his face. A smile? He was the victorious cat
that taught his mouse a lesson.
I stumbled to get up and I looked at him and said-
"First and last time that will ever happen."
I then walked out the front door. It was very cold but
I didn't care. I heard the lock on the door click and I knew that Kevin had
locked it...I just kept walking down the sidewalk. He opened up a window and said-
"I just locked you out and you will never get
back in this house."
I just kept walking and said-
"I don't care about you anymore."
The dream jolted me awake at 4:35am this morning.
I got out of bed and went downstairs to make coffee. I
was very disturbed by this dream because this dream was a reminder of the
abuses I faced by my ex-husband. There were multiple times he would want to
fight and follow me around the house and poke me with his words and actions.
When I would try to get away from him, he antagonized me. A locked door did not
work because he would grab his tools and unbolt the door itself. There was one
time that he kept switching the lights on and off so I reached up on the bed
and removed the light bulb from the socket. That really pissed him off so he
came over to the bed and flipped the mattress with me on it. Once again-my head
slammed into the bedside table and I almost passed out from the pain.
Once I started to cry-he walked out of the room. He
didn't care if I was hurt. He was happy that he accomplished his task of making
me suffer because he "saw orange" and by God someone was going to
pay. It was then that I truly knew that he was in an insane place and he was
going to hurt me somehow whether with fist or words. I have learned that Col
Landers wanted me to feel the pain that he felt inside. To this day, I am not
sure where his internal pain or anger stems from but I have learned on my journey
as a survivor that it was NOT ok for me to be his verbal or physical punching
bag.
I paid that price for 18 years and our 4 children are thankful that “Mom” and “Dad”
are not married anymore. Our innocent kids also paid a price for all the
insanity and are still trying to heal from it.
So, in present time, I was sipping my coffee in the
kitchen this morning and I looked at a calendar we have by the fridge. It is
April 11th, 2015.
This was the day in 1987 that Kevin and I got married in
a church in Mountain Home, Arkansas. It was a beautiful wedding and all of our
families were present but I remember telling my maid of honor Tammy,
"I am not sure if I want to do this."
She told me that it was not too late to back down...but I
didn't. I married Kevin and the next day we headed to Hicksville, NY to start
our marriage.
In my dream, I walked away from him when he threw me down
the stairs. I guess my sub-conscience was sending me a message that I should
have followed through with “the walk” the first time he hit me in Athens, GA
when I was pregnant with our first son. But, I didn't. I truly believed his
lies that he was really stressed with college and a baby coming. I was raised
to "stand by your man" and that if there were problems you should go
to counseling. The problem was that Kevin refused to go to counseling and I was
now pregnant with another child and then eventually 4 children. I believed
Kevin when he told me that I would never make it on my own and that he would
make my life a living hell if I ever left him.
He tried to make my life a living hell...but as of today he continues to fail.
You see, today is another anniversary. It's not just the
anniversary of my marriage to Kevin. On this day in 2005 I filed for divorce.
What is so ironic is that Kevin was doing everything he could to keep me with
him including using our children as pawns but I still refused to be married to
him any longer. I was finished being abused by a man that promised he would
never hurt me “again.” When I went to courtroom to file for divorce, I was so
drained and focused on creating a new life for me and my children that my
lawyer actually looked at me and said,
"Do you realize that this is the day you got
married?"
I went pale and she asked if I was ok. I had no idea what
day it was. I was battling Kevin left and right and my days did not hold a
value to me and I was hanging by a thread.
Of course after I filed, the court battles got ugly and he bought a better
lawyer then me. It's exhausting to even write about it again so please read my
prior blog entries. My ex husband is one of the meanest men I have ever known
and I am so thankful to not be married to him anymore.
As of today, on my 10 year anniversary of being abuse free-so many wonderful
things have happened and I have learned many things about the lives my children
were forced to live after I was pushed out of our children's lives by Col Kevin
P. Landers Sr.'s hatred because he could no longer control me.
Upon Kevin, Sr. gaining physical custody of our 4
children, he insisted that they consider me “dead.” Their father told our
children that I didn't care about them and I was always a loser. He either
bullied the kids or ignored them. He fought for our children in the courts yet
when he gained custody of them he threw our daughters and youngest son into
several facilities over the years. It is obvious that Kevin Sr. really didn't
want to raise our kids-he wanted to use them in a continued effort to abuse me.
Our children no longer have any physical/material items of their childhood nor
does Kevin Sr. No pictures, no stuffed animals, no toys, no books, no letters
or things that their grandparents gave them-NOTHING. The children’s father
approved of his girlfriend of 3 months to “clean the house of any hint of me
(their mother).” This new girlfriend
eventually became his current wife, Melody. All these memories were disposed of
by Melody. Why? Because she hates me, she hated my kids and wants to be the
center of attention. As she told her daughter once-
"I really don't want Kevin's kids and one by one I am going to get rid of
them because I want his money to myself"
Well she accomplished her task no matter how much hate it took. Melody claims
she loves her "bonus kiddos" in the past yet now she claims they are
horrible, disrespectful children. I have much public proof if she disputes this
and will post if necessary.
Melody has shrines of her late son Kyle in her home and understandably so. My
children and Melody's daughter Kayla have told me wonderful stories about Kyle.
They loved him. If any of you have been to Col Kevin P Landers and Melody's
home you may remember seeing pictures in the past of my children and Melody’s
daughter Kayla. Yet where are the pictures now? Where are the pictures of “J”, “M”,
“A”, KJ and Kayla in their home in Wilmington, NC.?
There are only shrines of Kyle Ray and the other 5 children have been discarded.
Why? Ask the Col and his wife and watch their face when you ask them. You will
see the lies on their eyes-I guarantee it.
How do I know that Kevin Sr. did not throw away some of
our memories? Because I was married to Kevin Sr. for 18 years and I know that
he may have threw away pictures of me but he could care less about the rest.
Having said that-as the man of the house and the "loving, supportive"
father he claims to be-he should have taken control of Melody's antics. But
typical Kevin Sr. truly only puts one person first-himself. He had no idea what
was going on inside the home while Melody was present and when our children
tried to tell him of Melody's hateful acts, he took the wimpy side (as typical
abusers do) of the one who has the most control in their household-his second
wife Melody Wilson Landers. My kids did not have a choice or a voice in their father’s
home and that is why they eventually ran away from their father and Melody's
life. Each one of the four children walked away with the clothes on their backs
and a small suitcase to include “J” recently. You see, in Col Kevin Landers
home he does not know how to parent, nor does he want to, so he would buy the
children’s silence with clothes, x-box’s, trips, cars, etc... Each one of our 4
children were bribed with a car/jeep. Our youngest son “J” recently did exactly
what his 3 older siblings did-he walked away from all the material possessions provided
to him by his father and Melody. He parked his expensive truck in the driveway,
put the keys in the mail box, and on his way to a friend’s house called his
father and told him that the truck was in the driveway. Something that we
instructed him to do because we knew that if he did not-Col Landers and/or
Melody would have called the police and reported it stolen. Another
manipulative, bribery tactic by Col Landers and Melody using material possessions
as a way to control the kids.
After I was forced out of our children’s’ lives they were
told-“Look at everything we provide for you” but the kids learned that those
material items were a means of control…not a means of a loving gesture and each
child walked away from every material possession supplied by Col Kevin Landers.
Why? Because what these kids really wanted and deserved was their mom and dad
in their life. A mom and dad that may not be compatible anymore but a mom and
dad that would be cordial for the sake of helping our kids get through a very
rough time. I was very willing to do that, but Col Landers and Melody’s hatred
for me consumed them more than trying to offer these kids one thing that they
craved-love and guidance. Not an “here’s a new car because I love you and I
want you to hate your mother” but a “no matter what, your Mom and I are going
to try to work this out because we both love you.”
As of today, my youngest son left as his siblings did
(within 65 days of his 18th birthday). He couldn't take the abuse
and neglect anymore. If you haven't already noticed, there is a pattern with
these children. Each has chosen to walk away for Col Kevin P Landers Sr. home.
The children searched me out because they knew that I would not try to “buy”
their love or loyalty. I have no desire to compete with Col Kevin Landers nor
Melody as far as the children are concerned with material possessions or money.
These children walked away from a man that makes plenty
of money because these children need compassion more than computers…guidance more
than guilt…direction more than deception and hope more than hate. They knew
that from the day they were born-they will always have all of these things with
me and that is why we have all been reconnected after 10 years.
The above is a reflection of our past. But on a positive-
Today our children are doing very well.
My youngest son is still healing from the abuse and
neglect that took place but he has so many people encouraging him, and like his
sisters and big brother-he is going to do very well. My son “J” told me that
the one thing that held him together in his most lonely moments was remembering
the good times we all had together as a family. This was all my children's
survival mechanism and although all of our physical memories have been thrown
away...NO ONE can throw away our happy memories and we will continue to create
new ones.
I cannot stress enough how much I am thankful to God for
protecting our children and bringing all of us back together. My children are
angels here on earth and I treasure each one of them.
We will not allow abusers, bullies, or evil ones to
distract the one thing that holds us together-Love....unconditional,
undeniable, unforgettable love that we all remember and will continue to create
and for this-I am very thankful.
Love is patient and kind; love does
not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own
way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but
rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all
things, endures all things ~ 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
