To those who abuse, the sin is yours, the crime is yours, and the shame is yours. 
To those who protect the perpetrators, blaming the victims only masks the evil within, making you as guilty as those who abuse. Friends don’t let friends blame victims. 
Survivors need our support, not our scrutiny So let’s put the responsibility where it belongs. 
Remember, education is the key to ending revictimization. 
Break the silence, break the cycle. 

I will keep the happy memories alive for my children....

Although 6 years apart in age, these two brothers shared everything together. Justin loves his big brother KJ and followed him everywhere. KJ was very sweet and patient with him. Justin would cry when KJ would ride away on his bike with his friends. Justin wanted to be with his big brother so one day Justin just climbed on a bike- too big for him- and started pedaling. Megan and Amanda came running so excited that Justin was riding his big brothers bike. Keep in mind KJ’s bike was a dirt bike for an 11 year old. Justin was 5. I was not sure I believed Megan and Amanda and sure enough when I ran outside-there Justin was with his little legs pedaling away. The only problem was Justin was watching his feet instead of watching the street and as I yelled to him to look up, he crashed into a dumpster. As we ran over to him to see if he was ok, he was giggling; I held him and said-
“Justin, who taught you how to ride a bike?” His response was simple.
I taught myself because I want to ride with Kevin. I held back my tears and said-
"Well, I guess its time to buy you your own bike then."
As you can see in the picture above, Justin has his first set of wheels but continued to look at his feet when he pedaled which explains some of the scars on his legs. As his step-mother says-"crazy child"
I will agree with Melody. He is crazy but a wonderful crazy. A kind of crazy that makes you giggle, or put your hands over your eyes in fear that he will hurt himself. Justin is an adventurer. He has been since he started crawling and I was there to watch his personality form into the boy he became. I am the mother of this crazy child and in love with every ounce of him.

Justin is also off the charts smart, funny, loving and he was as I called him-"My sweet cuddle-bug." I love the skin on his soul because half of his skin is mine. He will never especially forget the moments we shared together when his siblings were at school. It was just me and Bogey during the day and he and I have a very special connection that cannot be replaced or forgotten.

I was there in the moments that Melody cannot replace and although I have lost time-I know Justin NEVER forgets anything. His mind imprints words, actions and memories forever. As a wonderful teacher once said to me-
"Your son has a photographic memory." 
 ....a memory that is able to retain facts, appearances, etc, in precise detail, often after only a very short view of or exposure to them.....
I am so thankful for this. Justin does not forget anything and retains things in such great detail. This is going to help me and my relationship with Justin and I look forward to the day that he and I can reunite. I have prayed that Justin's baby photo album was not destroyed but I know in my heart that it no longer exists. 
However, I have many photos from my and Kevin Sr's shared computer hard drive along with many other informative documents that will become useful later.
As far as these two boys- 
These brothers have lost so much time together because of hate and insecurities from their dad. I am so thankful today that as these two young men get reacquainted even with the demands by their father and regardless of the manipulations ensued on them, their "brother ship" will become strong again. In the end, their father, Kevin Landers Sr., will eventually lose the control that he commands over our children out of his insecurities and our 4 kids will love each other openly without fear of prosecution by their dad. I have never prosecuted my children when they have tried to love their father openly in spite of his choices in his life. 

I have been waiting for this day for 9 years now. Thank you God.
I step back gracefully with quiet happiness because I love my boys more than I despise "the others." I have watched these two brothers grow from the day they were united on Sept, 28th, 1996 and I have many more stories to share that no one else can. I am the only one that holds their childhood memories and I have the right to speak out loud without control, threats or fear of punishment. It’s in an effort to remind my children to remember the happy moments in their childhood. I know Justin has been filled with lies about me and his past but I also know my son very well. My choice to be a stay-at- home mom was to spend countless hours with my children and I enjoyed every moment with them. I know all of them very well. Justin does not believe the lies and he is staying quiet until he can be free from the controlled silence in his current home. His silence is coming to an end very quickly and I am ready for his embrace along with his sisters and the rest of his family.

I am always telling stories to KJ, and my girls when I have the chance and I won't stop. Sharing happy memories is very important for their hearts. These 4 kids have been through enough pain already. They need the joy and I hold all their happy memores in my mind. So do they. They are just afraid to speak them out loud. but, I won't have that. These children have voices and memories. It's imperative that they not only share them with me but with each other. What their father and Melody hates is that I am also a part of those happy memories in their childhood. Kevin Sr. needs to stop all this silence and allow our children to speak OUT LOUD about both of us. Kevin Sr. is starting to appear like an old, cranky, immature man. He reminds me of my grandpa Nolan who was no man at all.

So here is my goal. My mind is ready to open up and scream to the world that these children also had happy moments in their lives as children.
 I am going to publicly document our happy memories as a family. I am creating another blog dedicated to my 4 children. This blog will be filled with celebrated events that we all shared as a family. Although we had moments of pain-we also had moments of complete joy and I want my children to remember the wonderful parts of their lives. 
I will post the link soon.
As far as Justin and his big Bro KJ-
I hope they will continue to stay in contact.
Keep riding together my sons-I love you.

Col Kevin Landers and Melody Landers are parents that promote hate-not love

Time always passes. Sometimes we wished time would pass quickly and sometimes we wish we could stop time just for a moment. Children should not be told to forget happy moments or be banned from remembering them. My youngest son is one these children that has fallen a victim to a fathers hate. A child who has been told that his mother abandoned him and his siblings aren't good people. A child who, for 8 years of his life, had a loving mother that held him, sang to him, read him books, coddled him and adored him. He had an older brother that protected him and two sisters that cherished him as their baby brother. Justin was the typical "baby of the family" who was hugged on, kissed on, and protected by me and his siblings. Those memories that Justin tries to hold onto have been methodically ripped away by his father and Melody with lies to protect themselves. Why?

8 years is too long for Justin to not be able to talk to us, hug us, or share his life with the family that was ripped from him. My responsibility as his loving mother is to make sure he never forgets his past of a loving family who treasured him and still does.

Justin's older siblings-K, M, A and I made this video below for Justin on his 16th birthday which was September 28th, 2012. I know that I have shared this once, but my gut feeling is to share it again. We will continue to make videos for Justin. He is a victim that did not deserve to be separated from his brother, sisters, me and other loving family members. No matter what things are said by the mouth of Justin's father or Melody I believe that loving parents, sister, brothers and grandparents out there reading my blog, have to see that not all the words being said about Justin's past makes sense. I could be the mother that left, ran to Mexico because of no regards for my children. But how can 3 siblings, 2 grandparents, loads of cousins and aunts and uncles also-"Be the bad guys?"  It is said by Col Kevin P Landers that he is trying to protect Justin from all the lies. But quite honestly, who is Kevin protecting Justin from? How can a multitude of honest, loving people be all bad? Why was Justin forbidden to speak to his siblings for 7 years? 
What kind of father separates and ignores 3 of his 4 children for years? What kind of mother figure(Melody) lies about her "bonus" children to others when those children don't act in a manner she demands.

Others are starting see her as a compulsive liar because as she continues to lie. Others are scratching their heads and realizing that her and Col Landers and Melody's stories keeps changing.   

A compulsive liar is someone who lies with ease and finds comfort in it. The person may even continue to lie when presented with the truth in cold, hard facts. Getting a compulsive liar to admit he or she lied can be nearly impossible. 
Melody Landers illness defined-Compulsive Lying Disorder 

So lets look at little at Melody's past. 
What kind of mother(Melody) abandons her daughter (Kayla) and forbids Kayla from ever seeing her little brother Kyle?

If you ask her I am positive, a convincing story by Melody has a fabricated to protect her instabilities-past and present.
Melody will and has told lies about her precious daughter because she needs to hide the fact that Kayla was taken from Melody at the age of five. Every family member and persons in West Virginia know why Melody lost custody of Kayla yet Melody still lies to an audience of people that have no idea why Melody was forbidden to raise her only daughter. Melody raised Kyle no doubt but Kyle had the mind of a young child and Melody's maturity and psychiatric illnesses was defiantly questioned more than once by CPS, counselors and other medical staffers out of concerns that Melody may not be mentally worthy to take care of a child with Kyles special needs . Melody is not stable and must take quite a bit medication daily to control her mental disabilities. My children have told me that her cabinets look like a pharmacy. This was very concerning to me when my children were living with their father. What kind of messages does a parent send a child when those parents are popping pills for every aliment physically or mentally that they exhibit everyday?

Lets turn the tables here. If Col Landers second wife Melody were to divorce and Col Landers did the same to her as he did to me and Melody did the same to Kyle as she continues to do to Kayla, would my critics opinions change? What if Col Landers and Melody shared children together and Col Landers used the court system, his money, and abuses like he has with me and our 4 children, and  manipulated Kyle, Kayla and any other child they shared against Melody? Would there be a different understanding from Melody's family and my critics of the pain that Justin's siblings and I face? What if John were as hateful to his ex Kelly as Col Landers has been to me. What if John desired to keep his children from Kelly Baker Barnes the way Col Landers has done to me, by lies and Parental Alienation(PAS). Jim and Becky Landers understand the emotional trauma it causes their daughter and grandchildren and it would be devastating to the entire family that 5 innocent children were pulled away from their mother.
John had no desire to do that because he loves his children and believes and preaches that children should have their mother in their lives.

I can understand being loyal to family. But when loyalty causes harm to a child then its no longer loyalty. Its abuse. To all of my readers-you do not have to believe a word I say. It has been said that I am trying to ruin Col Landers career. That I am unstable. That I hate Melody because she is with my ex husband. That I am a bitter woman. That I view Kyle as a retard. That I am a felon. That my children hate me. All those lies that can be proven false. My 3 older children have no hate for me and the only reason why Justin expresses hate is because that is what he has been taught all these lies for years. A sweet, innocent 8 year old boy-my son-has lived in a home of manipulations, instabilities and a methodical brainwashing to hate me-his mom and was Justin was taught to hate anyone, including his brother and sisters because these children choose to love me openly. 

"Since most brainwashing parents are very insecure people, they dish out their feelings of disgust towards a lot of people in their lives. And who picks up on these feelings? The child who has to listen to it (the only children who can rise above the badmouthing are teenagers who who are harder to convince, especially over people they have known their entire life)."

Don’t underestimate how closely our actions as parents are watched, and eventually mimicked, by our kids. If you tend to yell, they yell. If you beat them with a belt, they’ll lash out physically at others as well. If you lie a lot, don’t expect them to be amazing little truth tellers. So it doesn’t take much effort for a parent who’s hating an ex-wife or ex-husband to get his or her young child to join in fully on the hatred bandwagon. "Mental child abuse is the most common form of child abuse in America, and the most difficult to stop” – brainwashing children

So, what amazes me is that some choose to believe words told to their faces and hate others without knowing the entire truth. Justin holds the truth way back in his memory, but he is not allowed to speak it and over the course of 10 years, his memory has been diluted by two adults-(Melody and Col Landers) that have much to hide.

So, let me a paint picture that my children will confirm-

My ex husband is dragging my legs down the stairs as my head hits each step and my children come out of their rooms begging him to stop. Kevin looks at them and screams-"Go back to bed!!" While crying, out of fear, they return back to bed and I get the crap beat out of me.
Has it ever crossed any of my doubters minds that the reason that Kevin Sr has abandoned his 3 older children is that they have seen all of this? How could I put fake memories in the minds of children that saw me "Mommy" with blood dripping down her face after their father punched me?
How about this thought . Kevin hasn't beaten Melody, that we know of. I protected my abuser for 18 years. I was a good wife, mother, active volunteer, and school assistant teacher. I have a reputation that does proceed me as a good woman and mom. Did I look like an abused wife? Maybe others saw it and were afraid to ask if I was ok. So this logical question holds strong for all of you. If Kevin beat me, why doesn't he beat Melody? Maybe he does and maybe he doesn't. Either way it is a choice. Kevin has chosen to be the officer, the student, the good man who takes care of Kyle and surrounds himself with all material possessions he desires because he has proven-He can. He has proven that he is capable of making choices. He chose to beat me regularly during our 18 year marriage. He has proven that if he puts his mind to something-he achieves it so how can I at 120 pounds force a 180 lb man to punch me in the face and stomach, hold a drill to my body and tell me 
"I am going to rip you apart little by little", kick me down a flight of stairs several times, destroy my belongings, degrade our children, tell me that if we kept sleeping with other couples(please refer to my blog entry called "SWINGERS") as he continued to have affairs and in the end lie to a court of law under oath and laughed in my face when he refused to financially take care of our children and I quote-

"I told you I would make your life a living hell if you ever left me and that these children you carried are worthless just like you."

I can't expect you to believe a word I say. I just ask this. There is a 18 year old boy named Justin that has not been allowed to speak to his brother, mother, sisters, or grandparents. How can this be a good thing for any child? Put yourself in our place. What if this happened to you? Would you stay quiet or would you write a blog like me? Would you go to any lengths to try to tell your side of the story? Would you do whatever was in your power to try to help your kids? Would you try to contact any resource you could to see it your child was ok? Would you beg to talk to your children on the phone? Would you be able to hold your emotions when someone was making accusations that were not true especially when it came to your babies?

For all out there that doubt my motive  writing this blog-look closer. Justin has anger issues, has been expelled from school, has been caught with drugs and all of this happened when I was kicked out of his life years ago. I have not had contact with Justin in years yet Col Landers and Melody have not nor will not ever take responsibility in the raising of Justin. How cannot any logical person see that Justin's behaviors are not because of my absence-it's because of his upbringing these last several years. It appears weak for Col Landers and Melody to say-
"It was because of his mother." 
I don't have that kind of power to control anyone's raising of a child within their care for over 10 years now. Are Col Landers and Melody that weak or insecure that they blame me-a mom that has had no contact with Justin? How can I control Justin and his behaviors halfway across the world? Or is it that Col Landers and Melody know that they are entirely responsible for Justin internal pain and anger issues so they are the type of parents that blame everyone else instead of trying to help Justin. It appears pretty weak and selfish to the general public that these two seemingly responsible adults cannot put their hatred for me and Uncle/Daddy and focus on what's more important-the broken children that don't deserve any of this turmoil. If Col Landers and Melody truly believe that they raised Justin with morals, respect and integrity, then why are they so obsessed with blaming me for any negative choice Justin makes. How can I be responsible for Justin's behavioral problem, drug issues, anger outbreaks, and instabilities he is exhibiting when I was not there to hold him and do everything in my power to help him as I did with his older siblings? It creates so much logic that if I were in Justin's life that more than likely he would not have the challenges he is having today. 
Bottom line-Col Landers made sure he took away the 4 most important treasures in my life because I left him-my children. 
It is however, starting to appear logical to intelligent people that Justin was not raised by two loving parents but by two hateful parents that are obsessed more with trying to delete my blog than loving Justin they way he deserves to be loved.
Justin's emotional scares run deep and there are two people responsible for Justin's pain an demises-
Col Kevin Landers and his second wife Melody Wilson.

Children have suffered far more than my children but with unconditional love and support, a child can overcome anything unless caregivers like (Col Landers and Melody) are the reason for Justin's emotional issues. Col Landers and Melody do not know how to raise a child. They only know how to control children. What scares these type of parents the most is when that child starts to have a mind of his own. 
Now is the time for Justin to take back his freedom.

If a child receives enough love and support in his home then that child could move past all this hatred and insanity that Col Landers and Melody claim I have inflicted. Let me once again stress that Col Landers and Melody make all these claims that I was sending videos, emails and hate to Justin's schools and friends yet I have never been contacted by anyone with those same concerns. 
These allegations can be proven to be false and I will bring attention to this slander and stop it in due time. 

I am asking any of you that despise me under false pretenses to look closer, understand and see all the lies and truths for the sake of all the children involved-Especially Justin.

Concerning Justin, if you want to show love & have nothing to hide from our Justin, please watch the video below and understand that all of us need to allow this 16 year old young man to experience love from ALL of his family members. Please keep in mind that Justin just turned 18 in September so in the last 2 years his siblings were "allowed" to speak to him. I dare say that Col Landers started to realize that his behavior was starting to make him look unstable and mean. Justin's siblings did nothing wrong and were forbidden to talk or see Justin for over 7 years because Justin's father feared that Justin siblings would remind Justin of the truths. 

Please watch video below and understand that I am not on a hate campaign to destroy Col Landers. 
I am on a campaign to help Justin overcome and release the hate that has been drilled into his soul by two unstable, selfish, mean people that have alot to hide-Col Landers and Melody Wilson.

Justin-if you are reading this please listen to your siblings and others and let go of all the lies that you been told. 
Find the truth.
Justin-this is your moment now. Your life. Your freedoms. 
Walk away and start your own life. I'm not asking you to embrace me.
I am asking you to find yourself and know that no matter what you say, feel, or what you want to believe-I love you. We all do.
Justin Landers 16th birthday video

Broken down New Jersey

My sister and her husband Tom picked my son Kevin and I up at the train station and brought us to their home. My son and I were emotionally and physically exhausted, but we were both excited to see some family members. Keep in mind, I had not seen my family in a long time and under the circumstances, it was quite draining. Words were minimal and hard to get out. Truly, what could be said at this point? All of us were in a daze, including my sister and nephews. It was a very stressful, difficult situation to be in but one that I had to endure to survive. Please recall, at this point I had one child with me and we had nowhere to go. I was desperate to try and settle into a place that I could get back on my feet in an effort to try and fight for my 3 younger children. It was not just about surviving to find a home for me and my oldest son; it was about finding a new life for all 4 of my children. I walked away from every physical possession I had. I did not care about the money or the material things. However, I did want to try to save the 4 precious souls that deserved more than what their father and I had given them. I wanted them to have a life without hate between their parents. I did not know how I was going to accomplish this but I knew that I was going to use every instinct I had to help me and the kids.

"Many things can wait; the child cannot. Now is the time his bones are being formed, his mind is being developed. To him we cannot say tomorrow; his name is today."

My son K and I settled into a routine. I had applied for several jobs and my sister Caron helped me transfer K from his Roswell, GA high school to the one in Budd Lake NJ where his cousins attended. I felt that my nephews could be helpful with K being “introduced” to his new high school. In the midst of what I thought was best for K, I never asked him his thoughts about moving to NJ. I just took action because I thought it was the best thing to do. Our life was in turmoil as we were escaping the clinch of his father…my ex. My son can tell his own story as to how he felt about my choices. I knew K was safe and secure and with the parent he wanted to be with. Now, my focus was the other children.

I enrolled K in school and immediately began applying for any job available. I was hired with days at a GYM as a daycare teacher until a trainer position opened. Also I was hired as a trainer at Curves. During my telephone conversation with Curves (at my sister’s home) I saw a side of her husband that was very concerning.

Let me explain. MY twin’s husband is Tom Ryan. I was thankful that he and my sister accepted me and my son into their home but I was not prepared for the control he ensued on me. I started to learn that maybe my sister was dealing with the same hate and control I dealt with. The second day in their home, Tom sat me down and told me that I needed to move on and get a job. I agreed with him. He also told me that I had a minimal time with them to move out because they had 3 children at home. I agreed. He told me that I needed to move on with my life and leave Kevin, Sr. and my other 3 children alone until I got on my feet. I just stared at him. “Move on?” “Get on my feet?” “Suck it up?” “Get on with your life?” I looked at his mouth but I started to hear no words as my mind traveled back in time. I had not seen my 3 younger children in 6 weeks. My ex would not let me or their brother talk to them.  I was trapped and I agreed to all of Tom’s conditions because I was afraid to be on the streets. My sister just sat quiet. I remember at one point I looked at her and she looked away from my eyes. I knew then that something bad was going to happen. My gut told me to flee but for the sake of my son, I denied my gut feeling and stayed. Something I would regret. There were times I would receive phone calls from the places I had applied for jobs and Tom would hand me the phone and tell me who it was. Then when I would try to talk to the persons on the phone Tom would follow me around the house whispering in my ear-“what are they saying? “Did you get it?” “Tell them you’ll work all the hours they will give you.” I would try to walk away from him but he would follow. At one point, I put my hand over the speaker and looked at Tom and said “Get out of my space” He just looked at me. When I got off the phone I told Tom that just because I was a beaten down woman did not mean that I was incapable of making my own decisions and get a job. He once again just looked at me and then walked away shaking his head. I wanted to cry. Who the hell did he think he was? Yes, I was living in his house but that did not give him the right to degrade or control me. It was becoming Kevin all over again except without the punches. I was at a loss of what to do but I knew I had to get out of there as fast as I could. An obstacle that was literally impossible at that point. I was in an atmosphere where neither I nor my son were wanted but I had no way to survive without their help. I had to make the best of it. My plan was to work to pay for our food and to help my sister with her house keeping until I could make other arrangements.

Moreover, no man knows when his hour will come: As fish are caught in a cruel net, or birds are taken in a snare, so men are trapped by evil times that fall unexpectedly upon them. Ecclesiastes 9:12

I enjoyed the time with my twin sister. I never spent a lot of time with any of my family because we traveled so much with the military. But, at any chance I had I spent time with my twin. We shared many things together. A womb, a room, a dream and memories. I love her and she “got me.” You multiples know what I mean. Although Tom was present and lurking, I still held onto every laugh and memory I shared with my twin.  Yet, I was going into a very deep sadness. I would lie in bed and think about how I could “win” my Megan, Amanda and Justin back with me. “WIN” is the key word. I learned very quickly that in the legal system does not necessarily protect the victim. For me the experience was lawyers, rank and money. I knew that I needed to make a lot of money to get my children back to me. Money I did not have. I was flustered.
Before I drift too far in this story, let me return to Tom controlling me. I started to sense something was wrong. I had 2 additional jobs lined up in addition to the daycare job (I had secured 3 jobs within a week). I felt good about that but I felt that I was being betrayed. I had overheard a conversations between Tom and my ex husband. It brought me to my knees. I was devastated. I went into their home with trust and once again I was being betrayed. I was numb.

I kept my knowledge of Tom and Kevin’s talks quiet. I guess I was afraid that if I said something, my son and I would be without a home again. I did not know what to do. So, I pretended like everything was normal. Before I moved to my sister’s home, I did have an intuition that Tom may be talking to my ex. My ex-husband and Tom had been friends in college. But I thought Tom, who is a strong tough guy would not approve of Kevin’s beatings of me. Plus, Tom was the one that recommended I come to live in his home in NJ. I did ask my sister in conversation prior to moving to NJ if she had talked to Kevin. She told me no. She said Kevin would send several emails a day with hateful words about me but her and Tom chose to ignore them. I believed her but I had grave concerns about her husband Tom. But, I had to make the best of a situation that I could not control. I had to survive.

My son Kevin seemed to be doing ok under the circumstances and I tried everything in my power to hide my fear and deep sadness from him. I think he knew however, that his mom was not doing too well. I hid my depression by cooking with my twin Caron and joking around like sisters do. The two of us would sit in her family room after the kids were settled and drink wine. The talks and wine would help soothe my fears. I started to look forward to talking and drinking with her. My twin’s husbands had to go on a trip for a week. Caron began to share things with me about their relationship (I won’t betray her with the things she shared with me). Because I was living with them, I started to see an inside view of how Tom had anger issues towards her and the boys. He liked to be in constant control of EVERY person and situation. Tom viewed my sister, their children and their home as HIS home, HIS children and HIS Caron…now Tom was claiming me and my son as HIS property, not guests. Tom decided he was going to “tell me how to live my life.” Everything came to a head one day and it changed any perceived control or sanity I thought I possessed.

Tom and I had gotten into an argument. He was telling me to stop being so sad, and snap out of it. He told me that my drinking wine with his wife was going to stop because he felt like it was making me more depressed. He told me that I needed to focus on making enough money to move out and stop worrying about making enough money to try to get custody of my 3 other children. He told me that my battle with Kevin was over and I needed to move on with my life and “accept that you won’t see your children for awhile.” That last statement snapped me out of shock at all his words and I fired back. ‘What the hell do mean move on without my kids Tom?” “What are you saying?” “What is my ex husband telling you when the two of you talk on the phone?” He fired back at me as my twin turned in his direction to hear his answer but Tom didn’t answer the question. He changed the subject and told me, “If you don’t straighten up then you can get the fuck out.” I was shocked by this statement and in a calm rage I looked at him and through gritted teeth asked, “Are you kicking me out if I don’t let you control me?” He just stared at me. I looked at my twin and tears started to roll down her face. I looked at my son and my nephews who were watching the entire argument. I looked back at Tom and said, “I came from an abusive home and I’m not going to live in another one.” I walked out of the living room and grabbed the phone. Tom tried to grab the phone from my hands. His hand was gripped on my arm. And then I said the words I should have said to my ex years ago, “Let go of me or I WILL call the police.” Tom looked into my eyes and for the first time I saw confusion and fear. He released my arm and I called John. I got off the phone and started to pack my suitcases. I went to pack my sons and realized that if I left with him, his father would file abduction charges on me like he had done before. Maybe that was part of the plan between him and Tom. I knew something was wrong. Very wrong and it had something to do with my ex husband and Tom. I didn’t know what their plan was, but I knew I had to get out of that house immediately.

My son Kevin was distraught. He started crying. I kept apologizing to him and told him I would be back for him. As I was talking to KJ, Tom told me that if I leave he was going to call Kevin. I snapped a look back at him and chuckled and said, “You are such a fucking liar Tom Ryan. I guess controlling, abusive assholes have to stick together. Go call the bastard because I will be long gone before he can do anything to me.” So, Tom got on the phone and called my ex. The taxi arrived at the door while Tom was on the phone and I gave my son a hug and walked over to my twin and hugged her. She knows me and she knew that my mind was made up. I was leaving and I would find a way to survive. I asked her to take care of KJ for me and that I would be in touch. I walked out the door and did not look back.

Up to this point I had not cried. It wasn’t until I got on the plane and the lights were turned out that I cried silently. I want to stress that I had to leave my son with my sister. I knew she would take care of him because at this point, I did not have a home, or money. My son was going to school and he was with his cousins. I could not take him with me legally or emotionally. In the best interest of my son, I had to leave because at that point, I could not take care of him the way he deserved to be taken care of. My ex had succeeded with use of the legal system at separating the victim of domestic violence from her children. My son KJ had been through too much already and being in hiding with his mom was not a healthy atmosphere for any child. Some may judge, but I knew in my heart that I did what I had to do in his best interest. Either way my ex knew that I was suffering. Suffering if I lived with Tom. Suffering if I chose to leave. Kevin Paul Landers Sr. was and still is the most hateful, selfish, mentally unstable man I’ve ever known.

The above incidents occurred in October 2005. Kevin Paul Landers, Sr. behavior did not change with me leaving him. In 2006, when Melody was talking to me she shared information on what was happening behind the scene with Tom and Kevin. Please keep in mind that Melody Landers continues to lie even to the court system so I’m not sure what to believe but this is what she told me:

Melody said that it was Kevin’s plan to get custody of our oldest son from me. She told me that my family was going to have me evaluated for 72 hours for metal stability and that while I was in the hospital, Kevin, Sr. was going to take custody of Kevin, Jr. I would later have to fight the courts once again. Kevin knowing I did not have any money to enter the court system.  Keep in mind, that as I wrote in my prior blog, my family sided with Kevin so they were all for me being hospitalized and then they would take custody of me if I was proven to be unstable. Ironic is not it? I was trying to save myself so I could save my kids and Kevin was bound and determined that I was going to suffer for the rest of my life with or without my babies. Whether Melody’s account is true or another lie, my gut was telling me that something was very wrong the entire time I was at my sisters. My leaving, I believe, saved me from more insanities and abuses. I was on a road to slowly breaking the chains of control and abuse but I still had a long way to go. The most convincing tale of dishonesty and underhandedness by Tom Ryan was that when I left, Tom called John Baker’s parents asking them not to harbor John or me because he had kicked me and John out of Tom’s home for selling drugs. You that know John know this next account to be “John”. When John called and questioned Tom about these accusations, Tom did not deny making them. He just asked John not to call anymore. As John told Tom, John looks forward to meeting Tom one day.

Please continue to follow me as I continue to write about what happen to me, my son Kevin and my daughters, and my baby boy Justin. These next blogs about the children will be haunting and very sad, but necessary to continue to understand how an abuser functions and why it’s important to get out of an abusive relationship especially if children are present.

"I will break the chains that bind me, happiness will find me. Leave the past behind me, Today my life begins"~Yao

REST...REGROUP...RETURN

Hedonistic Honeymoon

I have been reflecting a lot on this very day because once
upon a time, it was a very happy day. 25 years ago today on a Saturday at 1:00
in the afternoon, Kevin and I were married. I want to write this entry because I
want to stress that Kevin and I did have some special moments together. I
stayed married to him for 18 years because I truly tried to hold onto “the
happy.” I remember the morning of this day very well. My father had wanted to
play an old song by Al Martino, I believe called Daddy’s Little Girl. But, the DJ we hired could not find the version of this song. So, my father approached me and told me that he was sorry that the father/daughter dance would have to be a different song. Although, secretly disappointed, I chose not show my disappointment. I knew my dad was already emotional about me leaving his care. He was a good father. I looked at
him and said, “It’s ok Dad. All I care about is our dance together.” He seemed relieved
with that.

We got married at the Church of Christ in Mountain Home Arkansas.
I had asked my twin sister, Caron, to be my maid of honor, but she was 9
months pregnant, so my best friend from high school –Tammy- was happy to step
in. My 2 younger sisters-Debbie and Susan- were my bridesmaids. Kevin’s best man was his brother Brain Landers and his groomsmen were his best friend Richie Locke and Jimmie DellaRatta. I chose the color of a soft pink because it was springtime and the flowers I carried down the aisle were my late mother’s favorite flower, the Gardenia.
Kevin wore a white tuxedo and my dress was a white strapless that had a tight
waist and then flared all the way to the floor. The train to the dress was very
long and Tammy did a great job helping maneuver it. My veil had soft lace
around the border and it trailed down my back. Kevin and I did the traditional
ceremony but also included a unity candle. A unity candle signifies two people coming
together as one. We kissed both of our parents on our way to the back of the church and then hopped in my father’s white Cadillac that was decorated with streamers and cans. We had our reception at a newly built hotel in Mt. Home called Bull Shoals Hotel. Our wedding reception was going to be the very first one they had at this hotel. This is how newly built the hotel was. Because the manager of the hotel wanted us to give great reviews on their service to our wedding party, they bent over backwards for us. It was so wonderful to be catered to. It was a beautiful place that overlooked the lake and the hills.
The reception was beautifully decorated and the DJ we hired was awesome. When
it was announced that my father and I go out on the dance floor, I knew this
was my moment with my father. My father took me in his arms and whispered to me,
“When I tap you on the shoulder I will be ready to stop dancing.” I knew what
my father was trying to tell me. My father did not want me or anyone else to
see him get emotional. So, I nodded and the music began. It WAS the old version of the song my father was trying to find. I looked at him puzzled and he told me that he asked KTLO radio station if they could transfer his old record onto a 45 record. Then-tears ran down my face. My father had driven to KTLO while I was getting ready for my wedding and did this for me. I will never forget this memory. It is etched on my heart forever.

Both my family and Kevin’s family had a great time. Of course all the New Yorkers, Chicagoans, Arkansans’ and everyone in between had a blast! It was a wonderful party. Brian’s toast to Kevin and I were these simple words,“Cath, I had to share a bedroom with him for 17 years. Now it’s your turn! God Bless you both!” Of course, this got many laughs and it was so-Brian! He has always been civil through my and Kevin’s problems/divorce. He and his wife are good people.

The reception lasted well into the night. Our Bridal Suite was onsite so Kevin and I did retire early. It was a beautiful suite with a huge bed, Jacuzzi, a gorgeous view, androom service. A bottle of champagne was chilling with a fruit basket and chocolate strawberries that the hotel provided. I had never been to a hotel room like this so I was in awe. After we made love, the first thing we did was count the money we received as gifts. I know, I know…sounds kind of cheesy. But keep in mind that Kevin was a student and I was going to New York with no job as of this moment so we needed all the money we could get! I remember we counted $525.00. That may not seem like a lot these days, but we were elated.
We had no money for a honeymoon and always said we would take one later in our marriage. Kevin never made time and I stopped planning on one after the beatings started. I had lowered myself to being thankful for moments of no beatings. I started enjoying his absence. I now know that I just was not a priority to him. Anyway, we left Mt. Home and headed to Hicksville, NY in my loaded down yellow Maverick. At one point my car ran out of gas, but other than that, the trip was not so bad considering we drove almost 22 hours with occasional pit stops. Looking back on that time, we were happy.

I cannot believe when I look in the mirror today, I could have been celebrating my 25th wedding anniversary on this very evening. 25 years is a milestone. KJ would be in college (like he is now) studying computers. M, without a doubt, would be a soccer scholarship student-athlete at a university studying business or marine biology. A and J would still be at home with me and their dad. Together Kevin and I would be addressing dating, teenage dramas and high school itself. Kevin’s and my long term life plan was for him to retire from the military at the 20 year mark. I would have my teaching degree and we would have already bought land in southern Tennessee and would have built a Log Cabin home. Kevin would have already planted trees and shrubs for his landscaping business and the business would be called Cullen
Landscaping in honor of his late grandfather. Kevin’s retirement would pay to help build his nursery up and my income would pay for living expenses and savings for the kid’s future. It was a perfect plan. I never considered I would be sitting here in front of this computer, writing about my “almost 25th wedding anniversary”. When I commit to something, I commit 100%. That included my vows to Kevin. I was devoted to him. I was loyal to him. I never cheated on him. I never betrayed him. I loved him and I truly wanted to live happily ever after. But fairytales only exist in books and this story ended with a wolf in sheep clothing and a damsel that was sick and tiredof being in distress.

Now I want to fast forward to my struggle with leaving Kevin.
I truly battled in my mind what choice would be the best choice for me and the
kids. Stay and hope for reconciliation? Stay and hope once again that he would finally keep his promise to “stop” and seek counseling together as a troubled couple?
Or, should I leave and take a chance of recreating a new HEALTHY identity.
A life absent of Kevin’s physical and sexual and emotional abuses. I kept thinking that when he got back from Iraq, that maybe we could go to counseling. Please understand, I struggled often with the thought of separating permanently from Kevin. After the numerous years of beatings, my body was feeling the difference. I considered leaving him during other deployments. And once again during this 2005 Iraq deployment, I was reconsidering not leaving him. I was tired of his abuses, but I still hoped for his changing. I was hoping that maybe by him facing a war and death, that he would see our relationship differently. Maybe he would appreciate me more. Maybe, maybe, maybe! But, the “maybes” came to a fierce stop.

Keep in mind that I stated above that we never had a honeymoon which honestly was not really a big deal to me. I understood that life gets busy with deployments, children and challenges but the only trips we ever took were because Kevin was getting reassigned to another location. Kevin and I always knew that after September 11th,
he would deploy to war. We just never knew what year that would be, so he and I
talked about after he returned back home from war, we could finally take the honeymoon we had never had. Kevin told me he would plan the whole trip because I had always taken care of him. I smiled at the thought of this promise. I remembered this promise for years and now the time had come for him to honor his duty as a soldier to go to war with his comrades. I was afraid for him, but quite honestly, I thought to myself, finally we will have our well needed honeymoon. As a military spouse, you do not want to think about your solider being killed. You have to keep sane by planning for his return. In my fairytale way of thinking, I thought that maybe this war would provide our marriage with a needed break from one another so that he would appreciate me more. Having said all of this, I received a phone call from Kevin
who was deployed. As a commander, he could call me frequently. He was in a “Green
Zone” and called me at least once-a-day. He told me that he had ordered a pamphlet
on our honeymoon trip to Jamaica. I had never been to Jamaica and I loved the thought of going somewhere I had never been before. Every time Kevin called me, he
would ask if I got the pamphlet and I would ask him to tell me a little bit
about his plans but he said it was a surprise. He had not surprised me in our
marriage with gifts, so this was elating to me. Finally, I felt like he saw me
more than just a cook, housekeeper, mother, or do I dare say-punching bag? One day I received the pamphlet about Jamaica. I was so excited. I opened up the envelope and the first few pages were pictures of the beautiful island of Jamaica!
Then as I turned the pages, it started to show images of adults dancing and
drinking with no clothes on and the words that kept jumping out at me, were ‘Adults
Only”. At first, I thought that was a good thing. It would be nice to get away from the kids. But I knew as I kept reading, what kind of beach it was. I should have known when I read the front page of the name of the resort. It was called Hedonism. At first, I did not know what this word meant but I soon figured it out by looking at the pictures and the descriptive words in the pamphlet. Words like “adult’s only” “nudity” “pleasure island” “exclusive sex” and the one word that hit me “Swingers”. I felt a slow sinking feeling in my entire body. Why this? Why now? At one moment in time, I regretted one evening. One moment that I thought would make Kevin love me more and then I told him NEVER again. I started to become angry with Kevin. He did not have the guts to tell me this over the phone? He just had this pamphlet mailed to me and wanted me to try to figure out WHAT kind of “honeymoon” he wanted with me? This was his idea of a vacation. This was my husband of 18 years idea of a honeymoon. This was his idea of a romantic trip. Right at that moment, I knew exactly how Kevin viewed me and honored me. I was his whore and whores should be ecstatic over a trip
like this? I felt degraded, used and dirty at that very moment. I just sat there
starring at the walls of Kevin’s office and then was jolted by the phone
ringing. I knew before answering that it was Kevin calling about his Swinger’s
Pamphlet. I slowly put the phone to my ear and he asked me if I got the
package. I coldly told him “yes”. He asked me what I thought about it. I sat
there for a moment and then asked him this question, “If you truly love me, why
would you want to bring me as your wife to a place like this so other men can
FUCK me?” He stuttered over his words and then started saying, “Well, we don’t
have to go to the nude beaches and we don’t have to go to the swingers party’s.
We can just hang out where ever you feel comfortable.” I lost it. I said, “Kevin,
what in the hell is wrong with you? I am not stupid or naïve. You will get me
there and then try to get me drunk and then you WILL manipulate me into doing
things I refuse to do. Then, you’ll beat me again! I REFUSE to go on this trip or any other trip with you-EVER!” I then hung up the phone. Kevin kept calling me, but I did not answer. I was crying because of my outburst of anger and my hurt feelings.
Heck, it was more than just hurt feelings. I had a hurt soul. My existence to
my husband was to use my body as bait to “fuck” other people. I am sorry to be
so abrupt with my words, but there is no other way to describe the feelings I had.
I hated him…hated him…hated him. He would never touch me again sexually without
me thinking that he would love nothing more than for “us” as a couple to share
this with others. A honeymoon trip would never occur with me and Kevin. At that
very moment, I determined we would NEVER have another anniversary. Out of an 18
year marriage, Kevin had beaten me regularly since our 2nd year of
marriage. No more. I was drained, hurt and scared of my pending future of
leaving this one man who loved me like he loved his tools. He only loved me,
when he could use me to satisfy his insecurities or build up his walls around
me. I knew where I stood with Kevin and I knew that no matter what I did it would
be possible that I would be standing alone when I decided to leave Kevin. I needed
to save my life and reclaim my self-worth. I could not count on Kevin to keep
his promises.“That you may retain your self-respect, it is better to displease the people by doing what you know
is right, than to temporarily please them by doing what you know is wrong.”~William J.H. Boetcker

REST...REGROUP...RETURN...

Abusers Censorship request DENIED by ElPaso County

A quick update on my Court proceedings that took place this morning March 19th 2012:

As many of you know, my abuser continues to try and censor this Blog. When my abuser Lt. Col. Kevin Paul Landers, Sr. and his wife Melody Morrison Wilson Landers found that they could not suppress my Freedom of Speech, they filed for a Permanent Restraining Order. My abuser and his wife claim in their written complaints that they “fear for their life”. They also introduced false information claiming I had verbally threatened them. I have NEVER threatened anyone. Kevin and Melody also claim that I post this Blog on other 3rd party sites such as employer’s websites, children schools, places of worship, etc. Both Plaintiff's signed their sworn complaints advising the court that I lived in Webb, County Texas. This was an effort to ensure that I had no knowledge of their filings. If you ever want to find me, look at my FaceBook as it will always provide contact information and I will provide you with my physical San Miguel de Allende address. Kevin always knows my location since we share joint custody of two minor children and therefeore I provide our daughter's location to him and as you have read in Melody's public posts she is obviously aware that I am "in that 3rd World Country Mex-EEE-Koh!" All intentional lies and fabricated “evidence” on their part. Not too becoming of an officer, although a practice he knows well. Please note, My Blog originates here and a link is provided on my Face Book page. PERIOD. Also, recall that Melody worked closely with the District Attorney’s office in North Carolina and Kevin and Melody started living together in May 2005. When you read the criteria for Cyber-Stalking and grounds to file a Restraining Order, it is quite apparent that they have went “down the list” to insure they introduce cause/evidence in an effort to obtain a ruling in their favor. Both are very sad, bitter, miserable people- not just with each other but also with those whose life they encounter.

As I consulted with legal counsel, it was determined that since I have no desire to see my ex-husband and since I have never met Melody and because I have not been to nor desire a visit to Colorado much less their home town, why would I put my health in additional jeopardy and spend the additional thousands of dollars needed to travel to and from Colorado Springs plus legal fees necessary to defend these lies just to have them “100% dismissed”. As my counsel put it, “Why does it matter to have a no-contact order involving a man that wants to continue beating you down?” Counsel’s question was soothing for me and offered much clarity. Why would I spend the money and risk additional seizures just to fight a man that physically, emotionally and sexually abused me? I have been in Mexico since 2005. I have no desire to have contact with Lt. Col. Kevin Landers or his wife of 5 years. So, “Why would you (me) fight for your right to be in touch with ‘the bully’s?” Wow! So basic a question, yet so liberating for me. And why in the world would I execute my right to be in contact with Melody Landers…someone I have NEVER met and have no desire to meet.

Based on the information above, I agreed to “concede/not object” to a Permanent No Contact being entered/executed. It is KEY to note the court's wording that, "your conceding to this Order being put in place is 'WITHOUT admission of wrong doing." Thank you Plaintiff Lt. Col. Kevin Paul Landers, Sr. and Plaintiff Melody Morrison Wilson Landers for not wanting contact with me nor are they allowed contact with me. And I can assure everyone that I will not seek contact with either Plaintiff and I have no plans to ever travel to Colorado so that pledge should satisfy the “100 yard” no contact distance from their residence and employer. No calls. No emails. Nothing.

Let me and my readers move onward. Now, the next part of my story.

I want to take a step back in time to when Kevin was deployed to Iraq. When Kevin started to sense that I was leaving him, I got a phone call from a Chaplin Brock who was in Iraq with Kevin. He told me that Kevin very distraught and his mental stability was questionable. The Chaplin asked me if I would counsel with him over the phone. I told him kindly, that I already had a counselor and I was happy with him. The Chaplin seemed to become frustrated with me when I stood my ground and told him that I did not want his counsel. I told him that I was supportive of Kevin seeking out help however I was happy with my current counselor. I never heard from the Chaplin again. Kevin called me and told me that he was on suicide watch and that he had to surrender all of his weapons and command. I am not sure if Kevin was trying to manipulate me or if he was actually on suicide watch. Today, I know that abusers will use ANY type of manipulation they can to control. Kevin is the master of manipulation. Whatever emotional state he claimed to be in while in Iraq, was not the state he was in when he arrived back in the USA 8-14 months early. He was a self proclaimed “evil man” and he was ready to destroy me anyway he could…including lies by him and false promises to his 12 year old daughter in an effort to have her lie on his behalf- HIS EVIL HAD NO LIMITS.

So, let me continue with Kevin being served with the No Contact Order.

The day after Kevin arrived to our home unexpectedly and unannounced-the same evening he was escorted away by the police- I got the kids ready for school and I headed straight for the courthouse. It was a long process, but I was able to have Kevin served with the restraining order. You have no idea what a sense of relief it was. I had a temporary moment of feeling safe. But, “temporary” is the key word here for my feeling of being safe ran out pretty quick. I would wake up in a cold sweat after a nightmare and I felt like someone was in my bedroom with me. I did not sleep. I thought I heard someone walking on the grass outside, or creaks on the back porch. During the day, I could feel someone starring at me in the distance, but when I turned around, I could not see anyone. I would be shopping and the hair on the back of my neck stood up. I knew Kevin was close to me, but I could not see him. He was taunting me, but he made himself invisible. I could feel his eyes on me everywhere I went and I was terrified that I would wake up and he would be luring over me with that evil face filled with anger. I started to realize that a restraining order really could not stop him if he REALLY wanted to penetrate our home and if he took that chance…I feared what he was capable of doing to me. At this moment, I feared my own death was a scary possibility. I was convinced that Kevin would not care what his consequences were if he killed me. I did not sleep. I did not eat. I was treading on a very fine line with my abuser and he did not like the lack of control over me. It was evident and clear that he was insanely furious and I had pushed beyond his anger capacity.

Kevin pulled all the money out of our joint bank account. My AAFES credit card was cancelled. Our emergency credit card-cancelled. I had bills to pay and children to feed and Kevin had taken all the money. My water had been turned off. My electricity was scheduled to be turned off, but I begged the electric company to give me another week and I would find a way to pay the bill. When the court hearing for child support was held, Kevin was instructed to pay $466.00 total a month for 4 kids. I had asked my lawyer why so little? My lawyer instructed me that Kevin’s lawyer included the mortgage of our home which was $1190.00 a month in the child support. I was responsible for Utilities, food and clothing. Basically, Kevin was keeping a roof over his children’s head. I was stunned. Keep in mind, that I was a stay-at-home mom. I had worked to “put my man through college”. I was the officer’s wife of 16 years plus the 2 non-military years. I had no income, little education and 4 children to care for. Kevin was Captain Promotable to Major making in excess over $70,000 a year. I also received a phone call from my life insurance agent that told me Kevin was trying to retrieve my life insurance. He basically screamed at her and told her that he was the one that paid it all these years and he wanted his money back. I was instructed to cash my small life insurance policy and use the money to try to survive. The cash value was all of about $2,500.00. Everything was happening so fast and I had no idea that Kevin would punish me by depriving our children of monetary needs. So hence, things started to get really crazy in the courtroom. At one point, my lawyer took me to a room and told me that I should drop the restraining order to a lesser one. The restraining order I had stated that Kevin was not allowed to be anywhere near me but now my lawyer was telling me that I needed to drop it. I just looked at her and said “Why would I do that?” My lawyer told me that Kevin’s lawyer was going to put me on the stand and tear me apart. I told my lawyer that I did not care because I was telling the truth. My lawyer persisted and said “You have no idea what hell they are going to put you through in that chair-they actually have a pair of your underwear that you sent to Kevin in Iraq sealed in a plastic baggie.” I just looked at her and said-“What are you talking about?” My lawyer proceeded-“Kevin is claiming that you still love him and that John is brainwashing you otherwise you would not have sent him your panties.” I could not put my mind around this whole thing. In my mind, I was thinking- “What the hell is going on and what sick freak seals up a woman’s underwear in a plastic bag?” I told my lawyer that I still wanted to go on the stand, but she persisted that I did not. So, I trusted my lawyer’s judgment, and I lowered the restraining order. But pressed forward with the divorce I had filed. One of the first ill-advised decisions I made per my lawyers instruction was to drop the current Restraining Order. I do believe today, that my lawyer was afraid to litigate against Kevin’s lawyer who was a keen, experienced attorney. Basically, I got what I could afford and it hurt me in more ways than I could ever imagine. Kevin bought his innocence and I had no money, time, or energy. I was losing more than a marriage. I had no idea how bad things would get. I was starting to drown quickly in Kevin’s insanities. My fear of his evil was very real and strong. It was not just good enough that Kevin wanted the home (which is why he was paying the mortgage and not child support), Kevin was on a mission to take away the only 4 things that I asked for - my children that I immensely loved and wanted to co-parent with my abuser.

I know this is a brief blog, but it is enough for today. I will write more very soon.“Do not think lightly of evil that not the least consequence will come of it. A whole waterpot will fill up from dripping drops of water. A fool fills himself with evil, just a little at a time.”~The Buddha

REST…REGROUP…RETURN

Why does my abuser claim to fear me in Colorado yet...Plan to visit me in Mexico?

Before I continue my story, I need to share current events. LTC. Kevin Paul Landers Sr. has filed a restraining order advising the Court of El Paso County, Colorado that he fears for his safety and that I am capable of causing him physical harm and mental anguish. He claims that I am ruining his career and has requested that the court silence this blog. My 4 children and I have witnessed all the abuses I reference involving their father in this blog. I refuse to be silenced by his threats. However, if a court of law orders me to cease this blog, then I will comply. LTC. Landers justification for filing this complaint is as follows, “If this were true, as all the other allegations (within this blog), why is there no police report verifying so and why would the court give me (LTC. Kevin Paul Landers, Sr.) sole custody after investigating her behavior and questionable stability.” **

**Kevin claims he ended up with “sole custody” of the children. He also claims I have been found “unstable”?

Both accusations are false. We have joint custody of our 4 children. My parental rights with all 4 of my children are intact. Neither court nor facility has ever found me to be unstable. The only mental instability I have is physical brain damaged caused by severe repetitive head trauma. This trauma was provided courtesy of LTC. Kevin Paul Landers. I have Gran Mal Seizures per Kevin’s abuses. Please understand, my 12 year old "M" admired her father and requested to reside with her father through the separation because she wanted to be with him. "K" "A"and "J" wanted to be with me- mom.

I wanted Kevin and I to do what was best for the children. When I filed for divorce, I only requested joint parenting. No alimony. No material possessions. Just to be apart from Kevin. I was to deliver "K" "A" and "J" to their father on a Friday afternoon. Kevin saw me in the lobby of the children’s counselor and stated that he would be “in the field” Friday through Tuesday and wanted to know if I could bring the children to him on Wednesday instead of Friday. I agreed. Kevin knew that I had plans to go to GA to ensure the children were close to his parents, brother and sister and registered in good schools. Kevin was in total agreement. However during this same time, I was unaware that Kevin had our daughter "M" crawl through our home kitchen window to retrieve panties, lingerie and papers from the home - (he found it necessary to use "M" for his acts per there being granted a no contact restraining order against Kevin). Anyway, I had told Kevin that I had enrolled my other children in the Roswell, GA school system. I had arranged to sub-lease a full basement apartment from David Reeves. Kevin encouraged me to enjoy and be careful. I consulted with my attorney Heather Nichols of Fayetteville, NC and she advised I could take the children with me to GA. Kevin called the police on Sunday and reported the children abducted. An emergency hearing was held Monday morning and Amanda and Justin were returned to their father because I had left the state without Kevin’s knowledge during a divorce proceeding. He lied. I had to vacate the house and now he had "M" "A" and "J". He and his companion laughed at me as I wept in the courtroom. My attorney who had provided me with erroneous information was reprimanded by the judge for not having Kevin provide written request to not return the children until Wednesday. My attorney was dismissed as counsel. Kevin told me he would reconcile with me if I returned. But he was already living with his future wife although he claimed she was only the nanny to our kids? I told him I would NEVER return to him. I was never determined unstable NOR was he ever given sole custody. He has provided the Court of El Paso with false information. I filed for divorce and he requested that the NC court system grant my request. So, that should clarify some of his false claims.

Now let’s continue back to the past blog.

At this blog point-I have to make a decision-to stay and put up with Kevin’s abuse or to leave. It was not just affecting me anymore. His anger and frustrations were starting to turn towards the kids and I was very concerned about this. Kevin was stern on not ever going to counseling and I was drained and tired of being married to him. He admitted to his family as well as in written emails and to his Army chaplain that he had beaten me and needed help for being a “bad bad man”.

Something in me snapped and I was no longer keeping secrets. Of course, I was not ready to make my story public nor did I involve my immediate family. There was still a part of me that was afraid to speak out loud to many persons because I knew Kevin would keep his word on making my life a living hell. But, I did trust John. I knew he would not betray me and I knew that he would not share my secrets. One evening, when Kevin was sleeping, I picked up the phone and called John. I trusted John’s judgments because John had worked inner city Atlanta for over 10 years with CPS and dealt on a regular basis with abused children and women. I needed direction and I trusted John to give me good guidance without telling anyone the stories I was about to tell him.

John answered the phone that evening and I started crying and proceeded to tell one story of my abuse and then that story turned into more. I felt such a sense of relief as I started to speak. I was talking out loud for the first time in my life. John listened very closely to me and did not say much. After several talks, John told me this, “I always knew Kevin beat you. I see the bruises every time you visit. I remember the email you sent from England. Catherine, without a victim, there is no abuser. You continue to protect him and keep quiet. Your silence is between you and Kevin. What I cannot tolerate is that now you tell me that one of your children may have been in danger and that needs to be addressed. You need to take these children to counseling and get help for your family.” I told John that Kevin would never go to counseling with me. John said, “I don’t care if he goes or not. This is now about the kids. All of you need help.”
I sat there for a moment, then I cried and said-“I know.” I had to think, so I got off the phone with John and told him I may not talk to him for awhile. In my way of thinking, the only way I could pursue what I needed to do was to wait until Kevin was deployed. As crazy as this may sound, I knew I was too weak and would fall into Kevin’s manipulations and threats face to face. I needed a segue way to think and act without Kevin present.

Kevin left Fort Bragg on Jan. 10th 2005. We had sex the night before and that would be the last time we would ever as far as I was concerned. I dropped him off early in the morning on post and cried hard. I think he thought I was crying because I was going to miss him. I was crying because I was going to leave him. This was the last time I would ever view him as my husband. I was ready to go into the “divorce battle”, but I was also terrified.

Now, Kevin was gone and I was frightened and alive. I did a lot of research and tried to make sure that I did everything correctly. I did seek out counseling for the kids and me. The first place I went was a battered woman’s shelter. I was still talking to John for guidance. I was still talking to Kevin because I knew that if I gave him any indication of what I was doing , that he would come back to try and stop me. I lied to Kevin. I told him I loved him on the phone and the kids and I sent him a few care packages. I did not want my children to hate their dad. You have to understand that a lot of my kid’s friends in school had parents that were deployed and my kids loved their father. So, they would ask me if we could send a box to their dad and I did what I thought was right. My goal was not to pin the children against their father. I worried about his safety in the war as their father. I did not want him to die or suffer. During this deployment, he continued to request that I accompany him upon his return to a “Swinger’s Fest” in Jamaica. This sickened me. Yet at the same time his perverted requests inspired me to follow through with my desire to divorce Kevin. I just did not want to be his property anymore. So, we made care packages for their dad and other soldiers. It was the right thing to do. I did not want my children to worry about their parents divorcing until it was time for the divorce. Meanwhile, I told my children that it was good for us to talk to a counselor because of mommy and daddy’s fighting. After I talked to a counselor named Bob, he thought it would be a good idea for me to file a restraining order per the children’s confirming Kevin’s physical abuses towards me. I hesitated in my sickness of continuing to protect my man. However, my fear of Kevin led me to request a restraining order against Kevin. The court of Cumberland County, NC granted a physical restraining order against my volatile and abusive husband, LTC. Kevin Paul Landers, Sr. However, I was informed that it was not enforceable until Kevin was served with it. Bob and my attorney told me that it would be the US Army’s burden to ensure that Kevin was served once he returned to Fort Bragg, NC. Bob advised that it may be possible for Kevin to come back early when he knew I had filed for divorce and that most likely Kevin would try to avoid being served the restraining order. Bob was a prophet. The night was in May 2005 after I took my daughters to their softball game and came home to a note on the door. It was from my oldest son. It said, “Mom, Dad took me out for an ice cream-Love "K".” I stood in shock and reread it again with M, A, and J standing with me and then I turned and looked out my front door. My husband Kevin was just throwing my purse back into the truck I had arrived home in. I later found that my cell phone, bank debit card and credit card were missing. He denied ever taking them. Kevin had returned 8 months early. My son KJ came running in and said “Mom-do something.” I opened the door and told my husband Kevin to leave me alone. Kevin’s exact words in a sarcastic tone were this, “I haven’t been served with the restraining order.” He was smiling at me. “Get ready to spend the night together My Love.” An evil grin was on his face. My counselor was right. Kevin was back and the look in his eyes said it all. He was watching me. He was stalking every move I made. He used my daughter M for information because she loved her daddy so much. He was stalking me all the way from Iraq and he was back. He left his soldiers in Iraq just so he could “toy” with me. I screamed through the door at Kevin to leave because the police were on their way. He laughed. His laugh was that of one possessed by a demon. At that moment I knew I could not keep Kevin out of the house unless I did something. He was going to hurt me because I had seen this evil look before. Things were racing real fast in my mind. He left his deployment? He is on the front lawn? He is capable of getting into our house anytime? How long had he been back in Fayetteville? One day? One week? One month? He was stalking me. My son had said, “Mom. Do something.” I screamed at my son to get the phone and I dialed 911. I told Kevin, “I just called the police.” He did not leave. He just kept standing there. He glared at me. A couple of times he taunted me by charging at me like he was going to come into the house and he got close enough that I ran with the phone. He was humoring himself by showing me that he could cause me to fear his presence. I still fear him. The police called my home telephone and said they were on their way. Kevin knew I received a call and this is what kept him from entering the house. I kept thinking how immature he was acting. How all of this continued insanity was a game to him. All 4 children were screaming for us not to fight and for us to be happy. Their tears were warranted as they had witnessed numerous times how daddy’s anger would escalate into beating me- their mommy. When the police came, Kevin was shocked. I think he thought I was lying to him because I had bluffed so many times before about calling 911. The police arrived and told Kevin that even though he had not been served with the filed restraining order, it was still pending and that he needed to leave until the court date could be addressed. I do believe that this night could have been the night that his beating would have ended my life.
The police instructed Kevin to leave and he did. He was driving a red Toyota that he must have borrowed from someone. I remember this detail so clearly because up to this point, it never crossed my mind how Kevin got to our home. I had the truck and the keys. But as I watched him climb into the seat of this red car, he looked over the roof and said-“This is not over, you skank whore.” Then, he drove away in that red car. I watched it pull out of our subdivision and then I froze as I saw the police follow him out as well. For the first time in this very moment of this evening, I turned around to the kids. They were crying. This evening had started off as a normal evening with homework done, dinner, and a softball game. And my ex-husband thought it would be funny to just pop in unannounced to any of my children that worried about his safety in the war. I tried to grasp it as I still had the breath knocked out of me but I realized that my children were more tortured by this than I was. My son asked me-“Why didn’t he tell us he was coming home Mom?” I just looked at him. I could not answer. It was a sick game to their father. A control; A hateful, possession of me. Kevin did not care if he hurt the kids in the process. It was over. I had tried everything that I knew to try to save our marriage. I compromised who I was to try to save our marriage. I had tried to savor any thread of love I had for my first love. However, everything was gone. He sealed his fate with me that evening. I was finished accepting his vile behavior and threats as he toyed with me on our front lawn. His laughter at our sick relationship nauseated me. It wasn’t funny then. It is not a game today. I was and am terrified of his abusive/threatening behavior. I know my physical being is not in danger when I am in John’s presence. But I am not sure what extremes one may go to?

After I put my kids to bed, I went into my bedroom. Every piece of clothing in my closet, my dresser, and bathroom were torn apart-everything was scattered all over our bedroom. I knew then that Kevin was giving me a clear message. Destruction was coming and I better have my life jacket on.

My abuser has asked the Court of El Paso County, Colorado “…if this is true, why isn’t there a police report…?” Please see link below as it may help answer my abuser’s inquiry.

http://www.ncadv.org/files/DomesticViolenceFactSheet(National).pdf

I want to stress to my readers that the current events I addressed in the beginning of this entry are real. I have been to court in El Paso County over restraining orders. So if my ex-husband and his wife are concerned about their family’s physical and emotional safety, why are they publically stating that they are planning a trip to my home of 6 plus years here in San Miguel de Allende? Please reflect on these issues-

Rest…Regroup…Return

Protect the children..at any cost..

It was the night of December 26th, 2004 that made me realize that I had to do something about my marriage with Kevin.
Kevin and I had gotten into a fight in his downstairs office at our Hammersley Road Fayetteville NC home. He was in a foul mood and wanting to argue. Our kids were upstairs and I tried to keep the argument quiet. Kevin started screaming at me and pushed me hard. I almost fell, but held my ground as I approached him. I yelled, “Don’t touch me you asshole!” My 14 year old son- came running down the stairs and postured himself in his dad's office. He screamed at his father, “Don’t touch her! Leave her alone!” I turned and looked stunned in my son’s direction. He was typically shy and did not say much. He feared his father and cowered most of the time when Kevin Sr. entered the room. Kevin Sr. was mean to his son. K.J. is a quiet, soft spoken soul. He does not initiate confrontation and definitely thinks before he speaks. His father would view him as “weak.” Sometimes, when "K" father helped him with homework, he would bring "K". to tears with his degrading words. His father would tell me how he did not want K.J. to be "dorky" like he was at Hicksville, NY High School. I felt sorry for my son, but dare not interrupt his father. Kevin Sr. despised his son and believed boys should be hard, muscular, and intimidating. Everything that Kevin, Sr. never was. "K" was none of those things and his father hated it. So, when our son "K" came into the office with fists clenched, both Kevin Sr. and I were shocked. I could see the look on my son’s face. It was a face full of fear, sadness and anger. He was there to protect his mom and he knew by taking that stance, there was going to be consequences. Kevin Sr. turned slowly to his son and said with clenched teeth, “What did you just say to me?” His voice was slow and evil sounding. Spit was coming out of his mouth as he pushed every word out of his clenched teeth. "K" said “fuck you” and ran up the stairs to his bedroom. His father chased him up the stairs and I started screaming, “Leave him alone..Leave him alone…Don’t hurt him…don’t hurt him!” Our son was able to lock his bedroom door and Kevin pounded on the other side saying, “You think you’re tough? You think you’re tough? Open the door you son of a bitch! I’ll show you tough. NO ONE speaks to me like that in this house!” I kept pleading with Kevin Sr. “Please just calm down. Please don't hurt him!” Kevin Sr. did not hear me. His mission was to punish his son for defending his mom. This was not about my sons choice of words. It was about a boy who viewed his mom as a woman that did not deserve the hits, being thrown across rooms, thrown down stairs and the numerous punches his father had inflicted to the back of my head and body. For the first time in my marriage, I feared for the physical safety of one of my kids. If Kevin Sr. got through that door, he was going to hurt our son and I could not let that happen. I could hear our son crying and pleading with me to stop his dad. Suddenly I blocked out all noise. I heard nothing. All I saw was Kevin Sr. pounding on the door as I turned to my left and looked into Megan's bedroom. Both of the girl's were on a bed crying and everything started to move slowly. I became methodical in my thoughts even though everything around me was happening so fast. I saw a red wooden bat in the corner of the frils room and I thought, if Kevin gets through that door, I am going to grab the bat and then? Then, I would do what ever I needed to do to protect my children. I screamed as loud as I could, “If you touch any of them, I will kill you!” Kevin snapped back to look at me. I am not sure what he saw on my face, but he backed away from the door. He was out of breath and then he got a hold of himself. I could still hear the children whimpering in their rooms as Kevin casually walked passed me and as he did, he shoulder-shucked my body and I slammed into the wall. His "shuck" knocked the breath out of me. Kevin stood at the top of the stairs and screamed at me and our children, "All of you just leave me alone!!" I caught my breath and went to "K" bedroom door. I told him that his dad was gone and it was safe to open the door. I walked in "K" room, and "J", my 8 year old, crawled out from under his bed and K.J. just stared at me. I did not have words. I just stood there. The girls joined us in their brother’s room as we all just sat in silence in our own thoughts.
Just for a moment we all froze and tried to understand the WHY? I took a long time tucking the kids into bed that night. The children cried and I hugged, but not too many words. I then went to my own bed and locked the door. I knew Kevin would not come to bed. I laid there and for the first time that evening I cried. Images ran through my mind. I thought about how the evening could have ended up. The “what if’s” started to haunt my mind. What if Kevin did break down the door? What if he did hurt my children? What if I did grab the bat? What would have happened? It was total insanity and it had gone too far. I could take the verbal and physical blows but I could not allow the physical abuse to happen to my kids.

It was time to verbalize my thoughts for the first time and make changes. I reassured myself that Kevin would be deploying soon and I could start making a plan, but I was terrified. As I went to lie over on my side, a pain shot through my shoulder. The bruise from being shucked into the wall was starting to throb. Of course after 17 years of severe beatings, this bruise was “mild” in comparison to the others. I fell into a deep sleep but my dreams were haunting and my sleep was disturbed. It was time to take a stance but I had no direction. Would I head to the North, stay in the South, return east or venture West? I did not know. I just knew I wanted to go a direction of FRREDOM- FREE from his abuses to my body; FREE from his abuses to my mind; FREE from his abuses to my spirit; AND FREE from his abuses to my CHILDREN. The children were recognizing dad’s behavior as normal.

The next day, Kevin was gone. I don’t remember where he went or why, but he left. The kids and I tried to get back on track by organizing their new Christmas gifts. Please recall, I was still talking to John at this point. I shared nothing with him about my abuses up to this point. I had told
John that my marriage had challenges "like everyone else". But it was much more than just “like everyone else”. I was too embarrassed at this point to reveal ALL my abuse secrets with anyone. Especially not with the man that I respected. Not the man that Kevin had referred to as "someone I want to be like". Kevin shared with his sister Kelly how happy he was that she had ended up marrying a wonderful man. Kevin had often joked with me how he had no idea how anyone-much less John- could tolerate his sister's behavior. John was not and is not perfect. But he was admired by me and my husband. Admired for his role as husband; as father; as provider. Everyone respected John. Kevin's family often told Kelly, "Stop being like you are or 'he will leave you". Our family had already planned a trip to Georgia to exchange gifts with Kevin’s family. I
was hesitant, but our kids were looking forward to seeing their cousins and grandparents. So I kept my head up. We did celebrate Christmas with Kevin’s parents and spent a day with Kevin’s sister Kelly and her husband John. Kevin’s brother Brian and his wife Suzie joined us along with ALL 11 children from the family. It really was a good visit. I had my “winter wear” on early in the day but as the GA weather warmed, I found myself in a sleeveless top, blue jeans and shooting hoops with Brian, Kelly, John and Kevin’s dad. Typical of John, he inquired about a bruise that I had on my arm (deltoid for you who know). I just looked at him and in my mind I went back in time to that moment when Kevin shoulder-shucked me into the wall. I answered “Nothing! Just
nothing!” But, I could tell by the look on John’s face that he and others did not believe me. Then I walked away from the basketball game and checked on the kids. I became very distant from everyone. My body was present but my mind was reeling. I tried to laugh and have fun with everyone else, but I was pretending just like I had for all these years. I became the great pretender.

All this time had passed and I knew it was over for Kevin and I. Heck-it had been over for years. He and I both knew that we did not like each other anymore. I tried…Lord knows I tried really hard to make him happy. But I learned that no one can be happy unless they choose to love
their self; Unless they grow to not hate themselves. It was not my fault anymore. But the pain of
our failing marriage was deep and my plan to not show my tears on the outside was failing. I felt so alone even though I was in a room full of Kevin’s family. I was still lonely in my own hell and I was terrified to break free. I knew Kevin would make it very difficult for me. I believed him when he told me, "If you ever leave me, I will make your life a living hell." I would be alone. I was already alone. I had been ALONE for years.

Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible
poverty. - Mother Teresa

Kevin was good on his word to make my freedom from him a battle that tortured more than just me. It tortured our children and we all have scars from this plight. I NEVER thought my divorce from Kevin would be a torturous battle between two people that did not like each other anymore. I learned later that in his mind, I was his property and I was not allowed to leave unless he said I could. So, I will go into more detail on what happened when Kevin did deploy. I had no idea that his beatings were literally killing my brain. As unpopular as it was, I saved my own life by leaving a man that refused to change. I must share my story in order to give others HOPE. A life
with no hope is dead. This HOPE is why I am writing this blog right now.

“You must constantly ask yourself these questions: Who am I around? What are they doing to me? What have they got me reading? What have they got me saying? Where do they have me going? What do they have me thinking? And most important, what do they have me becoming?
Then ask yourself the big question: Is that okay? Your life does not get better by chance, it gets better by change.” Jim Rohn

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