Rape by the hands of Col Kevin P Landers

Once we moved into our townhouse in Woodbridge, Va, I noticed over a period of weeks that Kevin was acting like he was sick, sad and withdrawn. I asked him why he could not tell me that he could not go to the doctor. It confused me. He told me that he thought he may have a sexually transmitted disease from his multiple affairs and cheating. Once again, my mind was a whirl-wind. He only confessed to one but now he slipped and said he cheated more than once? Not that one time was enough, but, why so many other times? Why? And now, I have to deal with a possible transmitted disease because of him? I just looked at him. All I could say was-“what are you talking about?’” He did not answer, but looked at me and said-“If I go to a doctor, it will be documented through the military and I do not want to lose my rank or my status as an officer. Adultery is behavior unbecoming of an officer and he could have gotten in a lot of trouble, so Kevin was afraid.
After all I had overcome…after all the hurdles…I was in a good place inside myself and now this??? I was confused as to what he wanted me to do. So, I asked him. Kevin asked me if I would go to a unknown, small clinic to see if I had a VD. That way, he said, that if I did then he would know he had one and then he would come up with a lie to tell his chain of command. I was frozen in space and time. I felt like the entire world shifted under my feet and I had to catch my balance. Kevin asked me if I was ok. My mind was racing. How dare he not wear protection when cheating on me-it was so degrading to me as a woman and the mother of his children? How dare he be so callous to ask me to do something to save his ass when I had done nothing wrong? I struggled with my soul and mind. I now had to know if I had a VD because of him. That stupid, selfish, horny man had sold his soul and he wanted me to pay the price. WHY? WHY? WHY? I once again needed to save myself because Kevin was not man enough to take care of me, his kids, or himself.
The next day I went to a hole-in-the-wall clinic. Kevin found it for me through the yellow pages, the cheapest one he could find. How kind of him.
We did not know anyone yet to babysit our kids as it was on a Saturday that we went. I had asked Kevin if we could wait until the kids were in school, but he said that he could not take time off from work. So, I complied. Kevin parked our van far away from the clinic so he would not be seen and I walked the long stretch of the parking lot to the clinic. I walked in and approached the counter very methodically and said that I need to be tested for VD’s. Everyone in the clinic looked at me. I stayed focused and filled out the forms. I remember I was freezing and shaking. The clinic was filled with mostly people that could not afford medical care. I remember it reeked of alcohol from some patients who may have been drunks or walking in from the night before. I started to feel nauseous. I could see through the big window of the clinic, my children playing in the parking lot and I thought-if the test comes back positive, I will leave him. I fought back my tears as they called me to the back.
 
The doctor issued to me was very cold. His bed side manner was not friendly as I am sure he has seen quite a few patients that day and more so because in his mind he thought here is another one of ‘those” woman wants to know if they had a STD for whatever reason. He told me to remove my pants and underwear and that he would be in shortly.
I had been through 4 pregnancies, and was accustomed to the stirrups and the exams of my pelvis, but this was different. I was getting ready to lay back, place my legs in stirrups and have a doctor I had never met do what they called a “rape’ kit to see if I had STD or if I was pregnant. “Let me go get the rape kit, is what the doctor said. As I lay back on the bed waiting for the doctor to return, the words “rape kit” kept screaming in my mind. Yeah, I had been raped sexually by Kevin. I had been raped emotionally. And now he was raping my dignity. I truly hated him right then and there. I hated him for putting me in this position. I was there to protect myself but honestly-I was there to protect him to. So, I was also raping myself for allowing Col Kevin Landers to continue to hurt me.

‘I have learned that rape comes in all different forms and force. There is the obvious physical rape of the body, but, there is also the raping of one’s self-esteem and dignity. Whichever-they all have the same results. It hurts when it’s happening. It hurts when your mind remembers and the memories of the rape will hurt until the day you die.” ~Catherine Ann Landers 

The doctor returned and told me to put my legs in the stirrups. The doctor did not give me a warning when he inserted the instrument inside me and he was not gentle about it. He scrapped and prodded around. I just turned my head away and being that I hated crying in public. I started crying. I tried to fight back the tears but I could not. When doctor was finished he told me he needed to do blood work as well and I needed to get dressed. I turned to look at him. His body language softened and he put his hand on mine. And said-“You need to leave him and take your 4 beautiful children with you.” I looked at him in surprise I guess because he said-“I had seen your 4 beautiful children playing in the parking lot so I know what is going on so it’s easy-just walk away.” Then he left the room. I was lost for a moment in his words. The doctor that had so little to say to me just said so much with true concern. A man I did not even know was a man of true wisdom and soul. No wonder he was angry acting. He was mad at Kevin AND mad at me. WOW! Was all my mind was saying? Then, I dried my tears and I waited for the blood work to be done. A nurse came in of African descent, and quickly drew blood and told me to wait for the results. I was at a peace in that doctor’s room. No matter what the test concluded, I wanted to believe that everything was going to be ok. About 10 minutes passed and the same nurse came in and told me with her lovely accent, that the blood work came back negative and my pap smear exam was free of any STD’s. She looked at me with a smile of relief as well. I took a deep, long breath and closed my eyes to say a silent prayer. Thank you God for protecting me from this evilness. I was dressed and started to walk out of the exam room but turned and ask the nurse about my doctor. She told me he had another patient but he had a message for you. He said to take care and free yourself and then she looked at me and smiled again.
 
I walked out of that clinic. A clinic that looked like a dump from the outside, but inside there were souls working everyday to save people physically, but they also tried to save people on the inside. Today, I call it the Ragamuffin clinic and I will never forget how powerful words can be from someone I did not even known.
As I walked out the glass doors and into the sunshine I could see the kids and Kevin standing in the parking lot and then this anger started from my toes and started traveling through my body. What the hell am I doing subjecting myself to this man’s insecurities. He could have gone to a no name clinic-hell, he could have gone to this clinic and did the same thing I just did. No one in the military would have found out. He was afraid. He was and still is a coward. He begged me to do this horrible task for something that he did, and he was too afraid to do it by himself. I was afraid of Kevin, no doubt. He was bigger than me and he did hurt me with his words and actions. He outweighed me, out muscled me, and looked down on me with his “Bigness” but he had no “Manness” about him. I realized right then that I was tougher than this officer in the military. I was stronger, bigger, and wiser on the inside. 

Looking back, I should have loaded up the children, got in the van and drove away, leaving Kevin to fend for himself. I should have, but I didn’t. The kids were excited to see me and I hugged them and they asked me if I was feeling better. I shot a look at Kevin. Kevin said he told them that I had a bad tummy ache and I needed medicine. I looked at Kevin and said “Why don’t you just tell them the truth-KEVIN!” He looked at me shocked and told the kids that it was time to get in the car. I wanted to rip his eyeballs out. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs right there in the parking lot that-
“KEVIN LANDERS SR. IS A LOSER!!!” 
But, I did not. I slowly got into the van and methodically buckled up. Kevin kept looking at me and refused to look at him. He said-“How was it?” I asked him if he would like to discuss this in front of the children because I was more than happy to speak for him. But, he turned and watched the road and then asked me if I could just answer one question. I said nothing. So, he continued and said-
“Just tell me yes or no.” 
I sat quiet there but my mind was answering-
"No... to the fact that you are free from aids-yes you are an asshole." 
"No... I don’t like you anymore-yes I despise to look at you." 
"No... I refuse to cry and Yes the tears are already strolling down my face." 
I said out loud through gritted teeth to answer his pathetic question of whether or not he infected me with an STD-
“NO” I said as I gave him a disgusted look. What I wanted to say was-
"No you worthless, mean, nauseating, selfish, stupid human being"
But all I could get out of my sick stomach was-"No."

He was so relived and he actually smiled. The bastard actually smiled and patted my hand. I shot away and looked at him and said 
“DO NOT TOUCH ME!” 
So as if it was no big deal, Kevin turned up the radio and Willie Nelson was singing-"On the road again” How ironic. On the road again to what new insanities with my husband? I did not know as I felt that it could not get much worse than this. 

Unfortunately, I learned that evil is everywhere. Evil lurks in dark corners and shadows waiting to spread its venom on our souls if we allow it to. I learned many years later that Kevin has evil in his heart and venom is his blood. He thrives on the weak and needy and will not stop until they beg for mercy and even then-he spits and walks away.
 
I may have been saved from a venereal disease but I have scars from another type of sickness that Kevin brought in our marriage and into our bedroom.
Stay tuned as it does get worse believe it or not. What I will share with you next will make you frustrated with our relationship. I let evil enter my home and Kevin was on the side of Satan. He still is today.
Please read this next entry in my blog.
Col Landers begs me to participate in the Swinger community

It explains why Col Kevin Landers convinced me to get a "rape kit" done to see if I had any VD's because of his infidelities. He uses my health record to peruse having sex with other couples in Woodbridge, Virginia. 
He is a mass manipulator that goes to any length to achieve what he wants. To include risking his career, my health, his marriage and children for sex.

Pornography exists for the lonesome, the ugly, the fearful - It's made for the losers” Rita Mae Brown

Col Kevin P Landers and his second wife Melody Landers Exposed

It is necessary to share these screen shots per my son Justin's Facebook as of yesterday. I want Justin to see what is going on behind his back and has been for years. Please also refer to my prior blog entry posted a few days ago.
http://catherinelanders2010-recreatingmyself.blogspot.mx/2014/11/col-kevin-landers-and-melody-landers.html

Justin, once again, is not writing these words. There is an imposter in Col Landers home and this imposter has also used Key-loggers to hack into her daughters, my daughters, my sons, her family and friends in efforts to hack into their private accounts after she "kindly" lets them use her computer. She is a true stalker that gets a high off of viewing others private lives without their knowledge.
I am sharing this in an effort that Justin and his father will see how this woman imposters myself, Justin, my children, my ex and others to gain sympathy, approval, and support because she has alot to hide. She has no grace, no integrity, nor any amount of loyalty. 
She preys on the innocent and denies any responsibility in her hateful actions towards my kids, the life of her son(because she did not raise her daughter Kayla), the raising of my children that have suffered greatly in she and Kevin's care nor taking blame of demons that she has been fighting for over 40 years now. As a matter of fact, in a sworn statement in 2012 -Under Oath-Melody claims that "my stalking" forced her to have to take Prozac but according to my children, when Melody moved into Col Landers home in 2006-she unloaded quite a bit of meds and one of the many medications was Prozac. Please be reminded that in 2006 I was living in Mexico with no contact with my children. If you refer to my prior blog entries you will see that I did not start writing in my blog until 2011.
Having said that-Unfortunately, although my ex husband Col Landers is aware of his second wife's antics, he is afraid to confront nor stop her. He hides behind her with full knowledge of her lies. What she doesn't know is that if Col Landers is confronted, he will blame everything on her(as he did me) because he only cares about one person-Himself.
I want Justin to see how she uses him to try to shut me out of his life. I have not had contact with Justin in over 10 years and this can be proven in a court of law yet this woman thinks she is untouchable. My lawyer warned me about this and advised me to document EVERYTHING. 
I have and will continue. 
My biggest concern today is Justin. He must see that "she" is using him and his public media sites for her own hate propaganda.

The entries above were written yesterday on my https://www.facebook.com/CatherineLanderspageOnDomesticViolenceAwareness
but not by Justin- by her. After this woman's hateful words(per Justin's Facebook) -above is also my response. 
Please keep in mind that Justin's Facebook was blocked from mine two days ago yet after my recent blog entry, she unblocked his Facebook to once again picked a fight with me.
Who is the stalker here?
I also want to reiterate that the order I conceded to that Melody keeps bringing up as a "restraining order" (please refer to my blog entry)
 http://catherinelanders2010-recreatingmyself.blogspot.mx/2012/03/abusers-censorship-request-denied-by.html
Was not a Restraining Order but a No Contact Order(there's a huge difference) which means I am not to have contact with Col P Kevin Landers and his wife Melody are not to have contact with me.
(Please look up the differentiation between the two)  
Melody nor Col Kevin Landers is allowed to contact me nor am I them. Something I have honored to its fullest extent. I have no desire or reason to talk to my ex nor Melody nor will I ever allow them to penetrate the life John and I have created together.
I could care less about their lives or endeavors. I do however love Justin and will never stop posting publicly in efforts to show him that I never left him-I left his fathers abuses.
Because of this "No Contact Order" is why Melody uses Justin's Facebook and other fake social media sites to try to discredit me, John, our children or any one else she despises.
Let me stress- Justin was excluded from that order because I was proven to be a fit parent. 
As a matter of fact, I have a copy of that order or you can pay a small fee to El Paso County Courts, Colorado to see the truth for yourself. I highly recommend you go through the courts and not accept a printed copy of any courts documents produced by Melody. She has plagiarized all of them to her advantage as she does with most "printed" documents.
A game that I am no longer playing nor will I be a privy to her lies any longer and if she continues to write things as she has in her rants-"I am going to come down there and get you myself" to me in a private message. My response to her was that if she does not stop threatening me then I am reporting all of this to the authorities. What concerns me, is that she will claim that Justin wrote this and then Justin must stand up for himself and tell the police that he did not. His fathers second wife did.

I am on a mission to help Justin see what the truth is and who his real enemies are and I won't stop until I know Justin is ok.

A Message to Justin:
Justy-once again stop believing what is presented to you. As I have told your siblings-I am so sorry for all the pain and for the first time in 10 years YOU my son have the freedom to find yourself. I never wrote to Parris Island. I never called them. An Anonymous person told me what happened to you there. Not because I asked but because they were worried about you. If you would like-I can prove to you that I never disrupted your goal to be a Marine-not once. I want you to succeed and be happy. Please stop using others words and actions. 
Free yourself from all this and re-create your own life. 
You deserve happiness for once and that may mean that you choose to not have your father, me, your siblings in your life for awhile. 
That's ok because we love you and want you to be safe and happy.
No matter what-We love you and that love will never stop.

Col Kevin Landers and Melody Landers are parents that promote hate-not love

Time always passes. Sometimes we wished time would pass quickly and sometimes we wish we could stop time just for a moment. Children should not be told to forget happy moments or be banned from remembering them. My youngest son is one these children that has fallen a victim to a fathers hate. A child who has been told that his mother abandoned him and his siblings aren't good people. A child who, for 8 years of his life, had a loving mother that held him, sang to him, read him books, coddled him and adored him. He had an older brother that protected him and two sisters that cherished him as their baby brother. Justin was the typical "baby of the family" who was hugged on, kissed on, and protected by me and his siblings. Those memories that Justin tries to hold onto have been methodically ripped away by his father and Melody with lies to protect themselves. Why?

8 years is too long for Justin to not be able to talk to us, hug us, or share his life with the family that was ripped from him. My responsibility as his loving mother is to make sure he never forgets his past of a loving family who treasured him and still does.

Justin's older siblings-K, M, A and I made this video below for Justin on his 16th birthday which was September 28th, 2012. I know that I have shared this once, but my gut feeling is to share it again. We will continue to make videos for Justin. He is a victim that did not deserve to be separated from his brother, sisters, me and other loving family members. No matter what things are said by the mouth of Justin's father or Melody I believe that loving parents, sister, brothers and grandparents out there reading my blog, have to see that not all the words being said about Justin's past makes sense. I could be the mother that left, ran to Mexico because of no regards for my children. But how can 3 siblings, 2 grandparents, loads of cousins and aunts and uncles also-"Be the bad guys?"  It is said by Col Kevin P Landers that he is trying to protect Justin from all the lies. But quite honestly, who is Kevin protecting Justin from? How can a multitude of honest, loving people be all bad? Why was Justin forbidden to speak to his siblings for 7 years? 
What kind of father separates and ignores 3 of his 4 children for years? What kind of mother figure(Melody) lies about her "bonus" children to others when those children don't act in a manner she demands.

Others are starting see her as a compulsive liar because as she continues to lie. Others are scratching their heads and realizing that her and Col Landers and Melody's stories keeps changing.   

A compulsive liar is someone who lies with ease and finds comfort in it. The person may even continue to lie when presented with the truth in cold, hard facts. Getting a compulsive liar to admit he or she lied can be nearly impossible. 
Melody Landers illness defined-Compulsive Lying Disorder 

So lets look at little at Melody's past. 
What kind of mother(Melody) abandons her daughter (Kayla) and forbids Kayla from ever seeing her little brother Kyle?

If you ask her I am positive, a convincing story by Melody has a fabricated to protect her instabilities-past and present.
Melody will and has told lies about her precious daughter because she needs to hide the fact that Kayla was taken from Melody at the age of five. Every family member and persons in West Virginia know why Melody lost custody of Kayla yet Melody still lies to an audience of people that have no idea why Melody was forbidden to raise her only daughter. Melody raised Kyle no doubt but Kyle had the mind of a young child and Melody's maturity and psychiatric illnesses was defiantly questioned more than once by CPS, counselors and other medical staffers out of concerns that Melody may not be mentally worthy to take care of a child with Kyles special needs . Melody is not stable and must take quite a bit medication daily to control her mental disabilities. My children have told me that her cabinets look like a pharmacy. This was very concerning to me when my children were living with their father. What kind of messages does a parent send a child when those parents are popping pills for every aliment physically or mentally that they exhibit everyday?

Lets turn the tables here. If Col Landers second wife Melody were to divorce and Col Landers did the same to her as he did to me and Melody did the same to Kyle as she continues to do to Kayla, would my critics opinions change? What if Col Landers and Melody shared children together and Col Landers used the court system, his money, and abuses like he has with me and our 4 children, and  manipulated Kyle, Kayla and any other child they shared against Melody? Would there be a different understanding from Melody's family and my critics of the pain that Justin's siblings and I face? What if John were as hateful to his ex Kelly as Col Landers has been to me. What if John desired to keep his children from Kelly Baker Barnes the way Col Landers has done to me, by lies and Parental Alienation(PAS). Jim and Becky Landers understand the emotional trauma it causes their daughter and grandchildren and it would be devastating to the entire family that 5 innocent children were pulled away from their mother.
John had no desire to do that because he loves his children and believes and preaches that children should have their mother in their lives.

I can understand being loyal to family. But when loyalty causes harm to a child then its no longer loyalty. Its abuse. To all of my readers-you do not have to believe a word I say. It has been said that I am trying to ruin Col Landers career. That I am unstable. That I hate Melody because she is with my ex husband. That I am a bitter woman. That I view Kyle as a retard. That I am a felon. That my children hate me. All those lies that can be proven false. My 3 older children have no hate for me and the only reason why Justin expresses hate is because that is what he has been taught all these lies for years. A sweet, innocent 8 year old boy-my son-has lived in a home of manipulations, instabilities and a methodical brainwashing to hate me-his mom and was Justin was taught to hate anyone, including his brother and sisters because these children choose to love me openly. 

"Since most brainwashing parents are very insecure people, they dish out their feelings of disgust towards a lot of people in their lives. And who picks up on these feelings? The child who has to listen to it (the only children who can rise above the badmouthing are teenagers who who are harder to convince, especially over people they have known their entire life)."

Don’t underestimate how closely our actions as parents are watched, and eventually mimicked, by our kids. If you tend to yell, they yell. If you beat them with a belt, they’ll lash out physically at others as well. If you lie a lot, don’t expect them to be amazing little truth tellers. So it doesn’t take much effort for a parent who’s hating an ex-wife or ex-husband to get his or her young child to join in fully on the hatred bandwagon. "Mental child abuse is the most common form of child abuse in America, and the most difficult to stop” – brainwashing children

So, what amazes me is that some choose to believe words told to their faces and hate others without knowing the entire truth. Justin holds the truth way back in his memory, but he is not allowed to speak it and over the course of 10 years, his memory has been diluted by two adults-(Melody and Col Landers) that have much to hide.

So, let me a paint picture that my children will confirm-

My ex husband is dragging my legs down the stairs as my head hits each step and my children come out of their rooms begging him to stop. Kevin looks at them and screams-"Go back to bed!!" While crying, out of fear, they return back to bed and I get the crap beat out of me.
Has it ever crossed any of my doubters minds that the reason that Kevin Sr has abandoned his 3 older children is that they have seen all of this? How could I put fake memories in the minds of children that saw me "Mommy" with blood dripping down her face after their father punched me?
How about this thought . Kevin hasn't beaten Melody, that we know of. I protected my abuser for 18 years. I was a good wife, mother, active volunteer, and school assistant teacher. I have a reputation that does proceed me as a good woman and mom. Did I look like an abused wife? Maybe others saw it and were afraid to ask if I was ok. So this logical question holds strong for all of you. If Kevin beat me, why doesn't he beat Melody? Maybe he does and maybe he doesn't. Either way it is a choice. Kevin has chosen to be the officer, the student, the good man who takes care of Kyle and surrounds himself with all material possessions he desires because he has proven-He can. He has proven that he is capable of making choices. He chose to beat me regularly during our 18 year marriage. He has proven that if he puts his mind to something-he achieves it so how can I at 120 pounds force a 180 lb man to punch me in the face and stomach, hold a drill to my body and tell me 
"I am going to rip you apart little by little", kick me down a flight of stairs several times, destroy my belongings, degrade our children, tell me that if we kept sleeping with other couples(please refer to my blog entry called "SWINGERS") as he continued to have affairs and in the end lie to a court of law under oath and laughed in my face when he refused to financially take care of our children and I quote-

"I told you I would make your life a living hell if you ever left me and that these children you carried are worthless just like you."

I can't expect you to believe a word I say. I just ask this. There is a 18 year old boy named Justin that has not been allowed to speak to his brother, mother, sisters, or grandparents. How can this be a good thing for any child? Put yourself in our place. What if this happened to you? Would you stay quiet or would you write a blog like me? Would you go to any lengths to try to tell your side of the story? Would you do whatever was in your power to try to help your kids? Would you try to contact any resource you could to see it your child was ok? Would you beg to talk to your children on the phone? Would you be able to hold your emotions when someone was making accusations that were not true especially when it came to your babies?

For all out there that doubt my motive  writing this blog-look closer. Justin has anger issues, has been expelled from school, has been caught with drugs and all of this happened when I was kicked out of his life years ago. I have not had contact with Justin in years yet Col Landers and Melody have not nor will not ever take responsibility in the raising of Justin. How cannot any logical person see that Justin's behaviors are not because of my absence-it's because of his upbringing these last several years. It appears weak for Col Landers and Melody to say-
"It was because of his mother." 
I don't have that kind of power to control anyone's raising of a child within their care for over 10 years now. Are Col Landers and Melody that weak or insecure that they blame me-a mom that has had no contact with Justin? How can I control Justin and his behaviors halfway across the world? Or is it that Col Landers and Melody know that they are entirely responsible for Justin internal pain and anger issues so they are the type of parents that blame everyone else instead of trying to help Justin. It appears pretty weak and selfish to the general public that these two seemingly responsible adults cannot put their hatred for me and Uncle/Daddy and focus on what's more important-the broken children that don't deserve any of this turmoil. If Col Landers and Melody truly believe that they raised Justin with morals, respect and integrity, then why are they so obsessed with blaming me for any negative choice Justin makes. How can I be responsible for Justin's behavioral problem, drug issues, anger outbreaks, and instabilities he is exhibiting when I was not there to hold him and do everything in my power to help him as I did with his older siblings? It creates so much logic that if I were in Justin's life that more than likely he would not have the challenges he is having today. 
Bottom line-Col Landers made sure he took away the 4 most important treasures in my life because I left him-my children. 
It is however, starting to appear logical to intelligent people that Justin was not raised by two loving parents but by two hateful parents that are obsessed more with trying to delete my blog than loving Justin they way he deserves to be loved.
Justin's emotional scares run deep and there are two people responsible for Justin's pain an demises-
Col Kevin Landers and his second wife Melody Wilson.

Children have suffered far more than my children but with unconditional love and support, a child can overcome anything unless caregivers like (Col Landers and Melody) are the reason for Justin's emotional issues. Col Landers and Melody do not know how to raise a child. They only know how to control children. What scares these type of parents the most is when that child starts to have a mind of his own. 
Now is the time for Justin to take back his freedom.

If a child receives enough love and support in his home then that child could move past all this hatred and insanity that Col Landers and Melody claim I have inflicted. Let me once again stress that Col Landers and Melody make all these claims that I was sending videos, emails and hate to Justin's schools and friends yet I have never been contacted by anyone with those same concerns. 
These allegations can be proven to be false and I will bring attention to this slander and stop it in due time. 

I am asking any of you that despise me under false pretenses to look closer, understand and see all the lies and truths for the sake of all the children involved-Especially Justin.

Concerning Justin, if you want to show love & have nothing to hide from our Justin, please watch the video below and understand that all of us need to allow this 16 year old young man to experience love from ALL of his family members. Please keep in mind that Justin just turned 18 in September so in the last 2 years his siblings were "allowed" to speak to him. I dare say that Col Landers started to realize that his behavior was starting to make him look unstable and mean. Justin's siblings did nothing wrong and were forbidden to talk or see Justin for over 7 years because Justin's father feared that Justin siblings would remind Justin of the truths. 

Please watch video below and understand that I am not on a hate campaign to destroy Col Landers. 
I am on a campaign to help Justin overcome and release the hate that has been drilled into his soul by two unstable, selfish, mean people that have alot to hide-Col Landers and Melody Wilson.

Justin-if you are reading this please listen to your siblings and others and let go of all the lies that you been told. 
Find the truth.
Justin-this is your moment now. Your life. Your freedoms. 
Walk away and start your own life. I'm not asking you to embrace me.
I am asking you to find yourself and know that no matter what you say, feel, or what you want to believe-I love you. We all do.
Justin Landers 16th birthday video

Broken down New Jersey

My sister and her husband Tom picked my son Kevin and I up at the train station and brought us to their home. My son and I were emotionally and physically exhausted, but we were both excited to see some family members. Keep in mind, I had not seen my family in a long time and under the circumstances, it was quite draining. Words were minimal and hard to get out. Truly, what could be said at this point? All of us were in a daze, including my sister and nephews. It was a very stressful, difficult situation to be in but one that I had to endure to survive. Please recall, at this point I had one child with me and we had nowhere to go. I was desperate to try and settle into a place that I could get back on my feet in an effort to try and fight for my 3 younger children. It was not just about surviving to find a home for me and my oldest son; it was about finding a new life for all 4 of my children. I walked away from every physical possession I had. I did not care about the money or the material things. However, I did want to try to save the 4 precious souls that deserved more than what their father and I had given them. I wanted them to have a life without hate between their parents. I did not know how I was going to accomplish this but I knew that I was going to use every instinct I had to help me and the kids.

"Many things can wait; the child cannot. Now is the time his bones are being formed, his mind is being developed. To him we cannot say tomorrow; his name is today."

My son K and I settled into a routine. I had applied for several jobs and my sister Caron helped me transfer K from his Roswell, GA high school to the one in Budd Lake NJ where his cousins attended. I felt that my nephews could be helpful with K being “introduced” to his new high school. In the midst of what I thought was best for K, I never asked him his thoughts about moving to NJ. I just took action because I thought it was the best thing to do. Our life was in turmoil as we were escaping the clinch of his father…my ex. My son can tell his own story as to how he felt about my choices. I knew K was safe and secure and with the parent he wanted to be with. Now, my focus was the other children.

I enrolled K in school and immediately began applying for any job available. I was hired with days at a GYM as a daycare teacher until a trainer position opened. Also I was hired as a trainer at Curves. During my telephone conversation with Curves (at my sister’s home) I saw a side of her husband that was very concerning.

Let me explain. MY twin’s husband is Tom Ryan. I was thankful that he and my sister accepted me and my son into their home but I was not prepared for the control he ensued on me. I started to learn that maybe my sister was dealing with the same hate and control I dealt with. The second day in their home, Tom sat me down and told me that I needed to move on and get a job. I agreed with him. He also told me that I had a minimal time with them to move out because they had 3 children at home. I agreed. He told me that I needed to move on with my life and leave Kevin, Sr. and my other 3 children alone until I got on my feet. I just stared at him. “Move on?” “Get on my feet?” “Suck it up?” “Get on with your life?” I looked at his mouth but I started to hear no words as my mind traveled back in time. I had not seen my 3 younger children in 6 weeks. My ex would not let me or their brother talk to them.  I was trapped and I agreed to all of Tom’s conditions because I was afraid to be on the streets. My sister just sat quiet. I remember at one point I looked at her and she looked away from my eyes. I knew then that something bad was going to happen. My gut told me to flee but for the sake of my son, I denied my gut feeling and stayed. Something I would regret. There were times I would receive phone calls from the places I had applied for jobs and Tom would hand me the phone and tell me who it was. Then when I would try to talk to the persons on the phone Tom would follow me around the house whispering in my ear-“what are they saying? “Did you get it?” “Tell them you’ll work all the hours they will give you.” I would try to walk away from him but he would follow. At one point, I put my hand over the speaker and looked at Tom and said “Get out of my space” He just looked at me. When I got off the phone I told Tom that just because I was a beaten down woman did not mean that I was incapable of making my own decisions and get a job. He once again just looked at me and then walked away shaking his head. I wanted to cry. Who the hell did he think he was? Yes, I was living in his house but that did not give him the right to degrade or control me. It was becoming Kevin all over again except without the punches. I was at a loss of what to do but I knew I had to get out of there as fast as I could. An obstacle that was literally impossible at that point. I was in an atmosphere where neither I nor my son were wanted but I had no way to survive without their help. I had to make the best of it. My plan was to work to pay for our food and to help my sister with her house keeping until I could make other arrangements.

Moreover, no man knows when his hour will come: As fish are caught in a cruel net, or birds are taken in a snare, so men are trapped by evil times that fall unexpectedly upon them. Ecclesiastes 9:12

I enjoyed the time with my twin sister. I never spent a lot of time with any of my family because we traveled so much with the military. But, at any chance I had I spent time with my twin. We shared many things together. A womb, a room, a dream and memories. I love her and she “got me.” You multiples know what I mean. Although Tom was present and lurking, I still held onto every laugh and memory I shared with my twin.  Yet, I was going into a very deep sadness. I would lie in bed and think about how I could “win” my Megan, Amanda and Justin back with me. “WIN” is the key word. I learned very quickly that in the legal system does not necessarily protect the victim. For me the experience was lawyers, rank and money. I knew that I needed to make a lot of money to get my children back to me. Money I did not have. I was flustered.
Before I drift too far in this story, let me return to Tom controlling me. I started to sense something was wrong. I had 2 additional jobs lined up in addition to the daycare job (I had secured 3 jobs within a week). I felt good about that but I felt that I was being betrayed. I had overheard a conversations between Tom and my ex husband. It brought me to my knees. I was devastated. I went into their home with trust and once again I was being betrayed. I was numb.

I kept my knowledge of Tom and Kevin’s talks quiet. I guess I was afraid that if I said something, my son and I would be without a home again. I did not know what to do. So, I pretended like everything was normal. Before I moved to my sister’s home, I did have an intuition that Tom may be talking to my ex. My ex-husband and Tom had been friends in college. But I thought Tom, who is a strong tough guy would not approve of Kevin’s beatings of me. Plus, Tom was the one that recommended I come to live in his home in NJ. I did ask my sister in conversation prior to moving to NJ if she had talked to Kevin. She told me no. She said Kevin would send several emails a day with hateful words about me but her and Tom chose to ignore them. I believed her but I had grave concerns about her husband Tom. But, I had to make the best of a situation that I could not control. I had to survive.

My son Kevin seemed to be doing ok under the circumstances and I tried everything in my power to hide my fear and deep sadness from him. I think he knew however, that his mom was not doing too well. I hid my depression by cooking with my twin Caron and joking around like sisters do. The two of us would sit in her family room after the kids were settled and drink wine. The talks and wine would help soothe my fears. I started to look forward to talking and drinking with her. My twin’s husbands had to go on a trip for a week. Caron began to share things with me about their relationship (I won’t betray her with the things she shared with me). Because I was living with them, I started to see an inside view of how Tom had anger issues towards her and the boys. He liked to be in constant control of EVERY person and situation. Tom viewed my sister, their children and their home as HIS home, HIS children and HIS Caron…now Tom was claiming me and my son as HIS property, not guests. Tom decided he was going to “tell me how to live my life.” Everything came to a head one day and it changed any perceived control or sanity I thought I possessed.

Tom and I had gotten into an argument. He was telling me to stop being so sad, and snap out of it. He told me that my drinking wine with his wife was going to stop because he felt like it was making me more depressed. He told me that I needed to focus on making enough money to move out and stop worrying about making enough money to try to get custody of my 3 other children. He told me that my battle with Kevin was over and I needed to move on with my life and “accept that you won’t see your children for awhile.” That last statement snapped me out of shock at all his words and I fired back. ‘What the hell do mean move on without my kids Tom?” “What are you saying?” “What is my ex husband telling you when the two of you talk on the phone?” He fired back at me as my twin turned in his direction to hear his answer but Tom didn’t answer the question. He changed the subject and told me, “If you don’t straighten up then you can get the fuck out.” I was shocked by this statement and in a calm rage I looked at him and through gritted teeth asked, “Are you kicking me out if I don’t let you control me?” He just stared at me. I looked at my twin and tears started to roll down her face. I looked at my son and my nephews who were watching the entire argument. I looked back at Tom and said, “I came from an abusive home and I’m not going to live in another one.” I walked out of the living room and grabbed the phone. Tom tried to grab the phone from my hands. His hand was gripped on my arm. And then I said the words I should have said to my ex years ago, “Let go of me or I WILL call the police.” Tom looked into my eyes and for the first time I saw confusion and fear. He released my arm and I called John. I got off the phone and started to pack my suitcases. I went to pack my sons and realized that if I left with him, his father would file abduction charges on me like he had done before. Maybe that was part of the plan between him and Tom. I knew something was wrong. Very wrong and it had something to do with my ex husband and Tom. I didn’t know what their plan was, but I knew I had to get out of that house immediately.

My son Kevin was distraught. He started crying. I kept apologizing to him and told him I would be back for him. As I was talking to KJ, Tom told me that if I leave he was going to call Kevin. I snapped a look back at him and chuckled and said, “You are such a fucking liar Tom Ryan. I guess controlling, abusive assholes have to stick together. Go call the bastard because I will be long gone before he can do anything to me.” So, Tom got on the phone and called my ex. The taxi arrived at the door while Tom was on the phone and I gave my son a hug and walked over to my twin and hugged her. She knows me and she knew that my mind was made up. I was leaving and I would find a way to survive. I asked her to take care of KJ for me and that I would be in touch. I walked out the door and did not look back.

Up to this point I had not cried. It wasn’t until I got on the plane and the lights were turned out that I cried silently. I want to stress that I had to leave my son with my sister. I knew she would take care of him because at this point, I did not have a home, or money. My son was going to school and he was with his cousins. I could not take him with me legally or emotionally. In the best interest of my son, I had to leave because at that point, I could not take care of him the way he deserved to be taken care of. My ex had succeeded with use of the legal system at separating the victim of domestic violence from her children. My son KJ had been through too much already and being in hiding with his mom was not a healthy atmosphere for any child. Some may judge, but I knew in my heart that I did what I had to do in his best interest. Either way my ex knew that I was suffering. Suffering if I lived with Tom. Suffering if I chose to leave. Kevin Paul Landers Sr. was and still is the most hateful, selfish, mentally unstable man I’ve ever known.

The above incidents occurred in October 2005. Kevin Paul Landers, Sr. behavior did not change with me leaving him. In 2006, when Melody was talking to me she shared information on what was happening behind the scene with Tom and Kevin. Please keep in mind that Melody Landers continues to lie even to the court system so I’m not sure what to believe but this is what she told me:

Melody said that it was Kevin’s plan to get custody of our oldest son from me. She told me that my family was going to have me evaluated for 72 hours for metal stability and that while I was in the hospital, Kevin, Sr. was going to take custody of Kevin, Jr. I would later have to fight the courts once again. Kevin knowing I did not have any money to enter the court system.  Keep in mind, that as I wrote in my prior blog, my family sided with Kevin so they were all for me being hospitalized and then they would take custody of me if I was proven to be unstable. Ironic is not it? I was trying to save myself so I could save my kids and Kevin was bound and determined that I was going to suffer for the rest of my life with or without my babies. Whether Melody’s account is true or another lie, my gut was telling me that something was very wrong the entire time I was at my sisters. My leaving, I believe, saved me from more insanities and abuses. I was on a road to slowly breaking the chains of control and abuse but I still had a long way to go. The most convincing tale of dishonesty and underhandedness by Tom Ryan was that when I left, Tom called John Baker’s parents asking them not to harbor John or me because he had kicked me and John out of Tom’s home for selling drugs. You that know John know this next account to be “John”. When John called and questioned Tom about these accusations, Tom did not deny making them. He just asked John not to call anymore. As John told Tom, John looks forward to meeting Tom one day.

Please continue to follow me as I continue to write about what happen to me, my son Kevin and my daughters, and my baby boy Justin. These next blogs about the children will be haunting and very sad, but necessary to continue to understand how an abuser functions and why it’s important to get out of an abusive relationship especially if children are present.

"I will break the chains that bind me, happiness will find me. Leave the past behind me, Today my life begins"~Yao

REST...REGROUP...RETURN

Hedonistic Honeymoon

I have been reflecting a lot on this very day because once
upon a time, it was a very happy day. 25 years ago today on a Saturday at 1:00
in the afternoon, Kevin and I were married. I want to write this entry because I
want to stress that Kevin and I did have some special moments together. I
stayed married to him for 18 years because I truly tried to hold onto “the
happy.” I remember the morning of this day very well. My father had wanted to
play an old song by Al Martino, I believe called Daddy’s Little Girl. But, the DJ we hired could not find the version of this song. So, my father approached me and told me that he was sorry that the father/daughter dance would have to be a different song. Although, secretly disappointed, I chose not show my disappointment. I knew my dad was already emotional about me leaving his care. He was a good father. I looked at
him and said, “It’s ok Dad. All I care about is our dance together.” He seemed relieved
with that.

We got married at the Church of Christ in Mountain Home Arkansas.
I had asked my twin sister, Caron, to be my maid of honor, but she was 9
months pregnant, so my best friend from high school –Tammy- was happy to step
in. My 2 younger sisters-Debbie and Susan- were my bridesmaids. Kevin’s best man was his brother Brain Landers and his groomsmen were his best friend Richie Locke and Jimmie DellaRatta. I chose the color of a soft pink because it was springtime and the flowers I carried down the aisle were my late mother’s favorite flower, the Gardenia.
Kevin wore a white tuxedo and my dress was a white strapless that had a tight
waist and then flared all the way to the floor. The train to the dress was very
long and Tammy did a great job helping maneuver it. My veil had soft lace
around the border and it trailed down my back. Kevin and I did the traditional
ceremony but also included a unity candle. A unity candle signifies two people coming
together as one. We kissed both of our parents on our way to the back of the church and then hopped in my father’s white Cadillac that was decorated with streamers and cans. We had our reception at a newly built hotel in Mt. Home called Bull Shoals Hotel. Our wedding reception was going to be the very first one they had at this hotel. This is how newly built the hotel was. Because the manager of the hotel wanted us to give great reviews on their service to our wedding party, they bent over backwards for us. It was so wonderful to be catered to. It was a beautiful place that overlooked the lake and the hills.
The reception was beautifully decorated and the DJ we hired was awesome. When
it was announced that my father and I go out on the dance floor, I knew this
was my moment with my father. My father took me in his arms and whispered to me,
“When I tap you on the shoulder I will be ready to stop dancing.” I knew what
my father was trying to tell me. My father did not want me or anyone else to
see him get emotional. So, I nodded and the music began. It WAS the old version of the song my father was trying to find. I looked at him puzzled and he told me that he asked KTLO radio station if they could transfer his old record onto a 45 record. Then-tears ran down my face. My father had driven to KTLO while I was getting ready for my wedding and did this for me. I will never forget this memory. It is etched on my heart forever.

Both my family and Kevin’s family had a great time. Of course all the New Yorkers, Chicagoans, Arkansans’ and everyone in between had a blast! It was a wonderful party. Brian’s toast to Kevin and I were these simple words,“Cath, I had to share a bedroom with him for 17 years. Now it’s your turn! God Bless you both!” Of course, this got many laughs and it was so-Brian! He has always been civil through my and Kevin’s problems/divorce. He and his wife are good people.

The reception lasted well into the night. Our Bridal Suite was onsite so Kevin and I did retire early. It was a beautiful suite with a huge bed, Jacuzzi, a gorgeous view, androom service. A bottle of champagne was chilling with a fruit basket and chocolate strawberries that the hotel provided. I had never been to a hotel room like this so I was in awe. After we made love, the first thing we did was count the money we received as gifts. I know, I know…sounds kind of cheesy. But keep in mind that Kevin was a student and I was going to New York with no job as of this moment so we needed all the money we could get! I remember we counted $525.00. That may not seem like a lot these days, but we were elated.
We had no money for a honeymoon and always said we would take one later in our marriage. Kevin never made time and I stopped planning on one after the beatings started. I had lowered myself to being thankful for moments of no beatings. I started enjoying his absence. I now know that I just was not a priority to him. Anyway, we left Mt. Home and headed to Hicksville, NY in my loaded down yellow Maverick. At one point my car ran out of gas, but other than that, the trip was not so bad considering we drove almost 22 hours with occasional pit stops. Looking back on that time, we were happy.

I cannot believe when I look in the mirror today, I could have been celebrating my 25th wedding anniversary on this very evening. 25 years is a milestone. KJ would be in college (like he is now) studying computers. M, without a doubt, would be a soccer scholarship student-athlete at a university studying business or marine biology. A and J would still be at home with me and their dad. Together Kevin and I would be addressing dating, teenage dramas and high school itself. Kevin’s and my long term life plan was for him to retire from the military at the 20 year mark. I would have my teaching degree and we would have already bought land in southern Tennessee and would have built a Log Cabin home. Kevin would have already planted trees and shrubs for his landscaping business and the business would be called Cullen
Landscaping in honor of his late grandfather. Kevin’s retirement would pay to help build his nursery up and my income would pay for living expenses and savings for the kid’s future. It was a perfect plan. I never considered I would be sitting here in front of this computer, writing about my “almost 25th wedding anniversary”. When I commit to something, I commit 100%. That included my vows to Kevin. I was devoted to him. I was loyal to him. I never cheated on him. I never betrayed him. I loved him and I truly wanted to live happily ever after. But fairytales only exist in books and this story ended with a wolf in sheep clothing and a damsel that was sick and tiredof being in distress.

Now I want to fast forward to my struggle with leaving Kevin.
I truly battled in my mind what choice would be the best choice for me and the
kids. Stay and hope for reconciliation? Stay and hope once again that he would finally keep his promise to “stop” and seek counseling together as a troubled couple?
Or, should I leave and take a chance of recreating a new HEALTHY identity.
A life absent of Kevin’s physical and sexual and emotional abuses. I kept thinking that when he got back from Iraq, that maybe we could go to counseling. Please understand, I struggled often with the thought of separating permanently from Kevin. After the numerous years of beatings, my body was feeling the difference. I considered leaving him during other deployments. And once again during this 2005 Iraq deployment, I was reconsidering not leaving him. I was tired of his abuses, but I still hoped for his changing. I was hoping that maybe by him facing a war and death, that he would see our relationship differently. Maybe he would appreciate me more. Maybe, maybe, maybe! But, the “maybes” came to a fierce stop.

Keep in mind that I stated above that we never had a honeymoon which honestly was not really a big deal to me. I understood that life gets busy with deployments, children and challenges but the only trips we ever took were because Kevin was getting reassigned to another location. Kevin and I always knew that after September 11th,
he would deploy to war. We just never knew what year that would be, so he and I
talked about after he returned back home from war, we could finally take the honeymoon we had never had. Kevin told me he would plan the whole trip because I had always taken care of him. I smiled at the thought of this promise. I remembered this promise for years and now the time had come for him to honor his duty as a soldier to go to war with his comrades. I was afraid for him, but quite honestly, I thought to myself, finally we will have our well needed honeymoon. As a military spouse, you do not want to think about your solider being killed. You have to keep sane by planning for his return. In my fairytale way of thinking, I thought that maybe this war would provide our marriage with a needed break from one another so that he would appreciate me more. Having said all of this, I received a phone call from Kevin
who was deployed. As a commander, he could call me frequently. He was in a “Green
Zone” and called me at least once-a-day. He told me that he had ordered a pamphlet
on our honeymoon trip to Jamaica. I had never been to Jamaica and I loved the thought of going somewhere I had never been before. Every time Kevin called me, he
would ask if I got the pamphlet and I would ask him to tell me a little bit
about his plans but he said it was a surprise. He had not surprised me in our
marriage with gifts, so this was elating to me. Finally, I felt like he saw me
more than just a cook, housekeeper, mother, or do I dare say-punching bag? One day I received the pamphlet about Jamaica. I was so excited. I opened up the envelope and the first few pages were pictures of the beautiful island of Jamaica!
Then as I turned the pages, it started to show images of adults dancing and
drinking with no clothes on and the words that kept jumping out at me, were ‘Adults
Only”. At first, I thought that was a good thing. It would be nice to get away from the kids. But I knew as I kept reading, what kind of beach it was. I should have known when I read the front page of the name of the resort. It was called Hedonism. At first, I did not know what this word meant but I soon figured it out by looking at the pictures and the descriptive words in the pamphlet. Words like “adult’s only” “nudity” “pleasure island” “exclusive sex” and the one word that hit me “Swingers”. I felt a slow sinking feeling in my entire body. Why this? Why now? At one moment in time, I regretted one evening. One moment that I thought would make Kevin love me more and then I told him NEVER again. I started to become angry with Kevin. He did not have the guts to tell me this over the phone? He just had this pamphlet mailed to me and wanted me to try to figure out WHAT kind of “honeymoon” he wanted with me? This was his idea of a vacation. This was my husband of 18 years idea of a honeymoon. This was his idea of a romantic trip. Right at that moment, I knew exactly how Kevin viewed me and honored me. I was his whore and whores should be ecstatic over a trip
like this? I felt degraded, used and dirty at that very moment. I just sat there
starring at the walls of Kevin’s office and then was jolted by the phone
ringing. I knew before answering that it was Kevin calling about his Swinger’s
Pamphlet. I slowly put the phone to my ear and he asked me if I got the
package. I coldly told him “yes”. He asked me what I thought about it. I sat
there for a moment and then asked him this question, “If you truly love me, why
would you want to bring me as your wife to a place like this so other men can
FUCK me?” He stuttered over his words and then started saying, “Well, we don’t
have to go to the nude beaches and we don’t have to go to the swingers party’s.
We can just hang out where ever you feel comfortable.” I lost it. I said, “Kevin,
what in the hell is wrong with you? I am not stupid or naïve. You will get me
there and then try to get me drunk and then you WILL manipulate me into doing
things I refuse to do. Then, you’ll beat me again! I REFUSE to go on this trip or any other trip with you-EVER!” I then hung up the phone. Kevin kept calling me, but I did not answer. I was crying because of my outburst of anger and my hurt feelings.
Heck, it was more than just hurt feelings. I had a hurt soul. My existence to
my husband was to use my body as bait to “fuck” other people. I am sorry to be
so abrupt with my words, but there is no other way to describe the feelings I had.
I hated him…hated him…hated him. He would never touch me again sexually without
me thinking that he would love nothing more than for “us” as a couple to share
this with others. A honeymoon trip would never occur with me and Kevin. At that
very moment, I determined we would NEVER have another anniversary. Out of an 18
year marriage, Kevin had beaten me regularly since our 2nd year of
marriage. No more. I was drained, hurt and scared of my pending future of
leaving this one man who loved me like he loved his tools. He only loved me,
when he could use me to satisfy his insecurities or build up his walls around
me. I knew where I stood with Kevin and I knew that no matter what I did it would
be possible that I would be standing alone when I decided to leave Kevin. I needed
to save my life and reclaim my self-worth. I could not count on Kevin to keep
his promises.“That you may retain your self-respect, it is better to displease the people by doing what you know
is right, than to temporarily please them by doing what you know is wrong.”~William J.H. Boetcker

REST...REGROUP...RETURN...

Abusers Censorship request DENIED by ElPaso County

A quick update on my Court proceedings that took place this morning March 19th 2012:

As many of you know, my abuser continues to try and censor this Blog. When my abuser Lt. Col. Kevin Paul Landers, Sr. and his wife Melody Morrison Wilson Landers found that they could not suppress my Freedom of Speech, they filed for a Permanent Restraining Order. My abuser and his wife claim in their written complaints that they “fear for their life”. They also introduced false information claiming I had verbally threatened them. I have NEVER threatened anyone. Kevin and Melody also claim that I post this Blog on other 3rd party sites such as employer’s websites, children schools, places of worship, etc. Both Plaintiff's signed their sworn complaints advising the court that I lived in Webb, County Texas. This was an effort to ensure that I had no knowledge of their filings. If you ever want to find me, look at my FaceBook as it will always provide contact information and I will provide you with my physical San Miguel de Allende address. Kevin always knows my location since we share joint custody of two minor children and therefeore I provide our daughter's location to him and as you have read in Melody's public posts she is obviously aware that I am "in that 3rd World Country Mex-EEE-Koh!" All intentional lies and fabricated “evidence” on their part. Not too becoming of an officer, although a practice he knows well. Please note, My Blog originates here and a link is provided on my Face Book page. PERIOD. Also, recall that Melody worked closely with the District Attorney’s office in North Carolina and Kevin and Melody started living together in May 2005. When you read the criteria for Cyber-Stalking and grounds to file a Restraining Order, it is quite apparent that they have went “down the list” to insure they introduce cause/evidence in an effort to obtain a ruling in their favor. Both are very sad, bitter, miserable people- not just with each other but also with those whose life they encounter.

As I consulted with legal counsel, it was determined that since I have no desire to see my ex-husband and since I have never met Melody and because I have not been to nor desire a visit to Colorado much less their home town, why would I put my health in additional jeopardy and spend the additional thousands of dollars needed to travel to and from Colorado Springs plus legal fees necessary to defend these lies just to have them “100% dismissed”. As my counsel put it, “Why does it matter to have a no-contact order involving a man that wants to continue beating you down?” Counsel’s question was soothing for me and offered much clarity. Why would I spend the money and risk additional seizures just to fight a man that physically, emotionally and sexually abused me? I have been in Mexico since 2005. I have no desire to have contact with Lt. Col. Kevin Landers or his wife of 5 years. So, “Why would you (me) fight for your right to be in touch with ‘the bully’s?” Wow! So basic a question, yet so liberating for me. And why in the world would I execute my right to be in contact with Melody Landers…someone I have NEVER met and have no desire to meet.

Based on the information above, I agreed to “concede/not object” to a Permanent No Contact being entered/executed. It is KEY to note the court's wording that, "your conceding to this Order being put in place is 'WITHOUT admission of wrong doing." Thank you Plaintiff Lt. Col. Kevin Paul Landers, Sr. and Plaintiff Melody Morrison Wilson Landers for not wanting contact with me nor are they allowed contact with me. And I can assure everyone that I will not seek contact with either Plaintiff and I have no plans to ever travel to Colorado so that pledge should satisfy the “100 yard” no contact distance from their residence and employer. No calls. No emails. Nothing.

Let me and my readers move onward. Now, the next part of my story.

I want to take a step back in time to when Kevin was deployed to Iraq. When Kevin started to sense that I was leaving him, I got a phone call from a Chaplin Brock who was in Iraq with Kevin. He told me that Kevin very distraught and his mental stability was questionable. The Chaplin asked me if I would counsel with him over the phone. I told him kindly, that I already had a counselor and I was happy with him. The Chaplin seemed to become frustrated with me when I stood my ground and told him that I did not want his counsel. I told him that I was supportive of Kevin seeking out help however I was happy with my current counselor. I never heard from the Chaplin again. Kevin called me and told me that he was on suicide watch and that he had to surrender all of his weapons and command. I am not sure if Kevin was trying to manipulate me or if he was actually on suicide watch. Today, I know that abusers will use ANY type of manipulation they can to control. Kevin is the master of manipulation. Whatever emotional state he claimed to be in while in Iraq, was not the state he was in when he arrived back in the USA 8-14 months early. He was a self proclaimed “evil man” and he was ready to destroy me anyway he could…including lies by him and false promises to his 12 year old daughter in an effort to have her lie on his behalf- HIS EVIL HAD NO LIMITS.

So, let me continue with Kevin being served with the No Contact Order.

The day after Kevin arrived to our home unexpectedly and unannounced-the same evening he was escorted away by the police- I got the kids ready for school and I headed straight for the courthouse. It was a long process, but I was able to have Kevin served with the restraining order. You have no idea what a sense of relief it was. I had a temporary moment of feeling safe. But, “temporary” is the key word here for my feeling of being safe ran out pretty quick. I would wake up in a cold sweat after a nightmare and I felt like someone was in my bedroom with me. I did not sleep. I thought I heard someone walking on the grass outside, or creaks on the back porch. During the day, I could feel someone starring at me in the distance, but when I turned around, I could not see anyone. I would be shopping and the hair on the back of my neck stood up. I knew Kevin was close to me, but I could not see him. He was taunting me, but he made himself invisible. I could feel his eyes on me everywhere I went and I was terrified that I would wake up and he would be luring over me with that evil face filled with anger. I started to realize that a restraining order really could not stop him if he REALLY wanted to penetrate our home and if he took that chance…I feared what he was capable of doing to me. At this moment, I feared my own death was a scary possibility. I was convinced that Kevin would not care what his consequences were if he killed me. I did not sleep. I did not eat. I was treading on a very fine line with my abuser and he did not like the lack of control over me. It was evident and clear that he was insanely furious and I had pushed beyond his anger capacity.

Kevin pulled all the money out of our joint bank account. My AAFES credit card was cancelled. Our emergency credit card-cancelled. I had bills to pay and children to feed and Kevin had taken all the money. My water had been turned off. My electricity was scheduled to be turned off, but I begged the electric company to give me another week and I would find a way to pay the bill. When the court hearing for child support was held, Kevin was instructed to pay $466.00 total a month for 4 kids. I had asked my lawyer why so little? My lawyer instructed me that Kevin’s lawyer included the mortgage of our home which was $1190.00 a month in the child support. I was responsible for Utilities, food and clothing. Basically, Kevin was keeping a roof over his children’s head. I was stunned. Keep in mind, that I was a stay-at-home mom. I had worked to “put my man through college”. I was the officer’s wife of 16 years plus the 2 non-military years. I had no income, little education and 4 children to care for. Kevin was Captain Promotable to Major making in excess over $70,000 a year. I also received a phone call from my life insurance agent that told me Kevin was trying to retrieve my life insurance. He basically screamed at her and told her that he was the one that paid it all these years and he wanted his money back. I was instructed to cash my small life insurance policy and use the money to try to survive. The cash value was all of about $2,500.00. Everything was happening so fast and I had no idea that Kevin would punish me by depriving our children of monetary needs. So hence, things started to get really crazy in the courtroom. At one point, my lawyer took me to a room and told me that I should drop the restraining order to a lesser one. The restraining order I had stated that Kevin was not allowed to be anywhere near me but now my lawyer was telling me that I needed to drop it. I just looked at her and said “Why would I do that?” My lawyer told me that Kevin’s lawyer was going to put me on the stand and tear me apart. I told my lawyer that I did not care because I was telling the truth. My lawyer persisted and said “You have no idea what hell they are going to put you through in that chair-they actually have a pair of your underwear that you sent to Kevin in Iraq sealed in a plastic baggie.” I just looked at her and said-“What are you talking about?” My lawyer proceeded-“Kevin is claiming that you still love him and that John is brainwashing you otherwise you would not have sent him your panties.” I could not put my mind around this whole thing. In my mind, I was thinking- “What the hell is going on and what sick freak seals up a woman’s underwear in a plastic bag?” I told my lawyer that I still wanted to go on the stand, but she persisted that I did not. So, I trusted my lawyer’s judgment, and I lowered the restraining order. But pressed forward with the divorce I had filed. One of the first ill-advised decisions I made per my lawyers instruction was to drop the current Restraining Order. I do believe today, that my lawyer was afraid to litigate against Kevin’s lawyer who was a keen, experienced attorney. Basically, I got what I could afford and it hurt me in more ways than I could ever imagine. Kevin bought his innocence and I had no money, time, or energy. I was losing more than a marriage. I had no idea how bad things would get. I was starting to drown quickly in Kevin’s insanities. My fear of his evil was very real and strong. It was not just good enough that Kevin wanted the home (which is why he was paying the mortgage and not child support), Kevin was on a mission to take away the only 4 things that I asked for - my children that I immensely loved and wanted to co-parent with my abuser.

I know this is a brief blog, but it is enough for today. I will write more very soon.“Do not think lightly of evil that not the least consequence will come of it. A whole waterpot will fill up from dripping drops of water. A fool fills himself with evil, just a little at a time.”~The Buddha

REST…REGROUP…RETURN

Epilepsy and survival....

I had another check up with my wonderful doctors. My
epilepsy is contained and I have been seizure free for almost 2 years now. Many
have asked questions about my past and my diagnosis so I want to share with you
the history of my epilepsy.

After we moved back from England and left that world behind,
we were stationed at Fort Belvoir, VA. I
have talked about Fort Belvoir in many past entries. It was a great location. I
also talked about England and the time, I believe, my brain damage was accelerated
after I was thrown across the living room and my head slammed into the corner
of the stone fireplace in our home.

There were moments when I would be driving and I had to pull
over because I felt like I was going to faint. I determined to myself that I
was dehydrated or tired, but now I know that it was scar tissue growing on my
brain. I was healthy and always got a great report on my yearly checkups. My
blood pressure, heart, pap smears were all great and I was very athletic, but
there were times, that I felt “weird” .

Going through my divorce, I equated my dizziness or fainting
to the stress of battling my ex husband but now I know that it was his
signature on my brain-my epilepsy- raising its ugly head. But, I never went to
the doctors. Once I got away from my ex, and moved to Mexico, everything seemed
to be ok with my health. I was still dealing with emotional battles with the
divorce and custody, reoccurring nightmares of his beating me but I felt ok
physically.

Out of the blue, in Aug 2008 I got an email from my
ex-husband. He wanted to send my daughter Amanda to me in Mexico. Of course I
said yes. Amanda was here for 3 months in 2008 and then I went into a legal
battle with her father. He refused to send the proper paper work and I was
forced to contact the IG at Fort Carson. General Grahm was prevalent at this time
and the IG was Daniel Parker. But, Amanda’s time ran out here in Mexico legally,
and Kevin forced her back. To Kevin-it was a sick game at the expense of his
daughter. After Amanda left, her father and step-mother refused me to have
contact with Amanda. I had no idea where Amanda was and it was very frightening
to me. I eventually found Amanda in a treatment center. It was called Merridell
in Texas and I knew I would be on an uphill battle with Kevin. My fainting and
fatigue- I thought it was the stress over my children, but I learned that it
was so much more-it was Epilepsy.

After a year, I once again received an email from my ex. The
email is copy/pasted as follows:

FROM:

· Landers, Kevin P Sr LTC....

TO:

· tammany.girl@gmail.com

· tammany.girl@yahoo.com

Message
flagged

Tuesday, June 16, 2009 11:50 PM

Catherine,


I think at this time it is best if Amanda join you permenantly. I am willing to
go back to North Carolina and change the court order to give you primary
custody while I have secondary custody of Amanda only. The order would not
change the arrangement with Justin. You would gain primary

custody of Amanda with no support in that I am supporting Justin.


If agreed upon, the change in court document will obviously take some time so I
will be at the mercy of the Court system in order to make this change. This
will give you Amanda, which you wanted, and will appease Amanda. I cannot
guarantee if the courts will allow this to happen but I am willing to try. If
we start heading down the same road of ugliness that we have experienced in the
past, then I will look for alternative means. I am prepared to relinquish
primary custody of her.


Your thoughts?


Kevin



Kevin P. Landers Sr.

Commander

4th Engineer Battalion

Fort Carson, Colorado

So, of course, I complied. Let me explain. In my divorce
proceedings, I ONLY wanted my children. I never asked for alimony or money
period. I told my lawyer that I just wanted to get the divorce over with as
soon as possible. I was terrified and I
just wanted my kids to be with me. Kevin could have his time with them as the
court deemed fit. It did not work out that way. In the end…I lost my home, my possessions,
my children and everything I held close to my heart.

Once Amanda came back to me in August 2009, I was still in a
battle. The stress and abuse inflicted on my body was taking a toll and it came
to a head. On a sunny day, November 16, 2009 John and I were catching a bus to
town. I sat in the seat of the bus and my left leg started jumping uncontrollably.
I looked at John and said-“Get me off this bus.” He carried me out and I seemed
to be ok, but as John was flagging down a taxi, I went into a seizure. I do not
remember anything except that I woke up with tubes coming out of every part of
me. I was in the hospital and John was at my side. The doctors came in and said
that they needed to do a CAT-SCAN because my seizure was a grand-mal.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/grand-mal-seizure/DS00222

After the results of the CAT-SCAN, my doctors came into my
room and had concerned looks on their faces. I just looked at them and then
they asked John to leave the room. I was confused. My neurologists and family
practitioner looked at me and asked me to answer them with honesty. What they
had determined from the CAT-SCAN was that I have scar tissue from about 10-12
years ago (1998-2002) because of repeated head trauma over time and my brain is
trying to get rid of it….ie….that is why I experience Grand Mal seizures. They
did not know how long John and I were together, so they assumed that it was
John and that is why they asked him to leave the room. They were very upset and
wanted to know who had done this to me. So, for the first time I told strangers
my story of abuse by Kevin. It was a very hard moment for me as I do not want
to share ANY emotion in public…especially with almost strangers, but I trusted
my doctors. They wanted to protect me and as of today, I have been seizure free
for 2 years now. There is no cure for epilepsy but I can control my epilepsy
with daily medication. My diet is very strict. My doctors have put me on a Ketogenic diet and I am ok with this. I have
to be careful with stimulants like caffeine and alcohol and stress as these are
definite triggers. So, a few years ago, I started working out with yoga and
other peaceful routines. Don’t get me wrong-I LOVE the weight lifting and
cardio stuff, but my mind and body need more of a relaxing state.

So, my
journey will always continue. My doctors know my life and I trust them. They
have saved my life and I forever will be grateful to them.

“Sometimes I wake in the middle of the night and I fear that
my brain will collapse, but my fear is only temporary. I have people that love
me…need me…want me…I have a responsibility to be a mother, a wife, a friend and
a mentor. God does not give us more than we can handle and I feel like it is my
responsibility to help others.” Catherine Landers