My sister and her
husband Tom picked my son Kevin and I up at the train station and brought us to
their home. My son and I were emotionally and physically exhausted, but we were
both excited to see some family members. Keep in mind, I had not seen my family
in a long time and under the circumstances, it was quite draining. Words were minimal
and hard to get out. Truly, what could be said at this point? All of us were in
a daze, including my sister and nephews. It was a very stressful, difficult
situation to be in but one that I had to endure to survive. Please recall, at
this point I had one child with me and we had nowhere to go. I was desperate to
try and settle into a place that I could get back on my feet in an effort to
try and fight for my 3 younger children. It was not just about surviving to
find a home for me and my oldest son; it was about finding a new life for all 4
of my children. I walked away from every physical possession I had. I did not
care about the money or the material things. However, I did want to try to save
the 4 precious souls that deserved more than what their father and I had given them.
I wanted them to have a life without hate between their parents. I did not know
how I was going to accomplish this but I knew that I was going to use every
instinct I had to help me and the kids.
"Many things can wait; the child cannot. Now
is the time his bones are being formed, his mind is being developed. To him we
cannot say tomorrow; his name is today."My son K and I settled into a routine. I had applied for several jobs and my sister Caron helped me transfer K from his Roswell, GA high school to the one in Budd Lake NJ where his cousins attended. I felt that my nephews could be helpful with K being “introduced” to his new high school. In the midst of what I thought was best for K, I never asked him his thoughts about moving to NJ. I just took action because I thought it was the best thing to do. Our life was in turmoil as we were escaping the clinch of his father…my ex. My son can tell his own story as to how he felt about my choices. I knew K was safe and secure and with the parent he wanted to be with. Now, my focus was the other children.
I enrolled K in school and immediately began applying for any job available. I was hired with days at a GYM as a daycare teacher until a trainer position opened. Also I was hired as a trainer at Curves. During my telephone conversation with Curves (at my sister’s home) I saw a side of her husband that was very concerning.
Let me explain. MY twin’s husband is Tom Ryan. I was thankful that he and my sister accepted me and my son into their home but I was not prepared for the control he ensued on me. I started to learn that maybe my sister was dealing with the same hate and control I dealt with. The second day in their home, Tom sat me down and told me that I needed to move on and get a job. I agreed with him. He also told me that I had a minimal time with them to move out because they had 3 children at home. I agreed. He told me that I needed to move on with my life and leave Kevin, Sr. and my other 3 children alone until I got on my feet. I just stared at him. “Move on?” “Get on my feet?” “Suck it up?” “Get on with your life?” I looked at his mouth but I started to hear no words as my mind traveled back in time. I had not seen my 3 younger children in 6 weeks. My ex would not let me or their brother talk to them. I was trapped and I agreed to all of Tom’s conditions because I was afraid to be on the streets. My sister just sat quiet. I remember at one point I looked at her and she looked away from my eyes. I knew then that something bad was going to happen. My gut told me to flee but for the sake of my son, I denied my gut feeling and stayed. Something I would regret. There were times I would receive phone calls from the places I had applied for jobs and Tom would hand me the phone and tell me who it was. Then when I would try to talk to the persons on the phone Tom would follow me around the house whispering in my ear-“what are they saying? “Did you get it?” “Tell them you’ll work all the hours they will give you.” I would try to walk away from him but he would follow. At one point, I put my hand over the speaker and looked at Tom and said “Get out of my space” He just looked at me. When I got off the phone I told Tom that just because I was a beaten down woman did not mean that I was incapable of making my own decisions and get a job. He once again just looked at me and then walked away shaking his head. I wanted to cry. Who the hell did he think he was? Yes, I was living in his house but that did not give him the right to degrade or control me. It was becoming Kevin all over again except without the punches. I was at a loss of what to do but I knew I had to get out of there as fast as I could. An obstacle that was literally impossible at that point. I was in an atmosphere where neither I nor my son were wanted but I had no way to survive without their help. I had to make the best of it. My plan was to work to pay for our food and to help my sister with her house keeping until I could make other arrangements.
I enjoyed the time with my twin sister. I never spent a lot of time with any of my family because we traveled so much with the military. But, at any chance I had I spent time with my twin. We shared many things together. A womb, a room, a dream and memories. I love her and she “got me.” You multiples know what I mean. Although Tom was present and lurking, I still held onto every laugh and memory I shared with my twin. Yet, I was going into a very deep sadness. I would lie in bed and think about how I could “win” my Megan, Amanda and Justin back with me. “WIN” is the key word. I learned very quickly that
Before I drift too far in this story, let me return to Tom controlling me. I started to sense something was wrong. I had 2 additional jobs lined up in addition to the daycare job (I had secured 3 jobs within a week). I felt good about that but I felt that I was being betrayed. I had overheard a conversations between Tom and my ex husband. It brought me to my knees. I was devastated. I went into their home with trust and once again I was being betrayed. I was numb.
I kept my knowledge of Tom and Kevin’s talks quiet. I guess I was afraid that if I said something, my son and I would be without a home again. I did not know what to do. So, I pretended like everything was normal. Before I moved to my sister’s home, I did have an intuition that Tom may be talking to my ex. My ex-husband and Tom had been friends in college. But I thought Tom, who is a strong tough guy would not approve of Kevin’s beatings of me. Plus, Tom was the one that recommended I come to live in his home in NJ. I did ask my sister in conversation prior to moving to NJ if she had talked to Kevin. She told me no. She said Kevin would send several emails a day with hateful words about me but her and Tom chose to ignore them. I believed her but I had grave concerns about her husband Tom. But, I had to make the best of a situation that I could not control. I had to survive.
My son Kevin seemed to be doing ok under the circumstances and I tried everything in my power to hide my fear and deep sadness from him. I think he knew however, that his mom was not doing too well. I hid my depression by cooking with my twin Caron and joking around like sisters do. The two of us would sit in her family room after the kids were settled and drink wine. The talks and wine would help soothe my fears. I started to look forward to talking and drinking with her. My twin’s husbands had to go on a trip for a week. Caron began to share things with me about their relationship (I won’t betray her with the things she shared with me). Because I was living with them, I started to see an inside view of how Tom had anger issues towards her and the boys. He liked to be in constant control of EVERY person and situation. Tom viewed my sister, their children and their home as HIS home, HIS children and HIS Caron…now Tom was claiming me and my son as HIS property, not guests. Tom decided he was going to “tell me how to live my life.” Everything came to a head one day and it changed any perceived control or sanity I thought I possessed.
Tom and I had gotten into an argument. He was telling me to stop being so sad, and snap out of it. He told me that my drinking wine with his wife was going to stop because he felt like it was making me more depressed. He told me that I needed to focus on making enough money to move out and stop worrying about making enough money to try to get custody of my 3 other children. He told me that my battle with Kevin was over and I needed to move on with my life and “accept that you won’t see your children for awhile.” That last statement snapped me out of shock at all his words and I fired back. ‘What the hell do mean move on without my kids Tom?” “What are you saying?” “What is my ex husband telling you when the two of you talk on the phone?” He fired back at me as my twin turned in his direction to hear his answer but Tom didn’t answer the question. He changed the subject and told me, “If you don’t straighten up then you can get the fuck out.” I was shocked by this statement and in a calm rage I looked at him and through gritted teeth asked, “Are you kicking me out if I don’t let you control me?” He just stared at me. I looked at my twin and tears started to roll down her face. I looked at my son and my nephews who were watching the entire argument. I looked back at Tom and said, “I came from an abusive home and I’m not going to live in another one.” I walked out of the living room and grabbed the phone. Tom tried to grab the phone from my hands. His hand was gripped on my arm. And then I said the words I should have said to my ex years ago, “Let go of me or I WILL call the police.” Tom looked into my eyes and for the first time I saw confusion and fear. He released my arm and I called John. I got off the phone and started to pack my suitcases. I went to pack my sons and realized that if I left with him, his father would file abduction charges on me like he had done before. Maybe that was part of the plan between him and Tom. I knew something was wrong. Very wrong and it had something to do with my ex husband and Tom. I didn’t know what their plan was, but I knew I had to get out of that house immediately.
My son Kevin was distraught. He started crying. I kept apologizing to him and told him I would be back for him. As I was talking to KJ, Tom told me that if I leave he was going to call Kevin. I snapped a look back at him and chuckled and said, “You are such a fucking liar Tom Ryan. I guess controlling, abusive assholes have to stick together. Go call the bastard because I will be long gone before he can do anything to me.” So, Tom got on the phone and called my ex. The taxi arrived at the door while Tom was on the phone and I gave my son a hug and walked over to my twin and hugged her. She knows me and she knew that my mind was made up. I was leaving and I would find a way to survive. I asked her to take care of KJ for me and that I would be in touch. I walked out the door and did not look back.
Up to this point I had not cried. It wasn’t until I got on the plane and the lights were turned out that I cried silently. I want to stress that I had to leave my son with my sister. I knew she would take care of him because at this point, I did not have a home, or money. My son was going to school and he was with his cousins. I could not take him with me legally or emotionally. In the best interest of my son, I had to leave because at that point, I could not take care of him the way he deserved to be taken care of. My ex had succeeded with use of the legal system at separating the victim of domestic violence from her children. My son KJ had been through too much already and being in hiding with his mom was not a healthy atmosphere for any child. Some may judge, but I knew in my heart that I did what I had to do in his best interest. Either way my ex knew that I was suffering. Suffering if I lived with Tom. Suffering if I chose to leave. Kevin Paul Landers Sr. was and still is the most hateful, selfish, mentally unstable man I’ve ever known.
The above incidents occurred in October 2005. Kevin Paul Landers, Sr. behavior did not change with me leaving him. In 2006, when Melody was talking to me she shared information on what was happening behind the scene with Tom and Kevin. Please keep in mind that Melody Landers continues to lie even to the court system so I’m not sure what to believe but this is what she told me:
Melody said that it was Kevin’s plan to get custody of our oldest son from me. She told me that my family was going to have me evaluated for 72 hours for metal stability and that while I was in the hospital, Kevin, Sr. was going to take custody of Kevin, Jr. I would later have to fight the courts once again. Kevin knowing I did not have any money to enter the court system. Keep in mind, that as I wrote in my prior blog, my family sided with Kevin so they were all for me being hospitalized and then they would take custody of me if I was proven to be unstable. Ironic is not it? I was trying to save myself so I could save my kids and Kevin was bound and determined that I was going to suffer for the rest of my life with or without my babies. Whether Melody’s account is true or another lie, my gut was telling me that something was very wrong the entire time I was at my sisters. My leaving, I believe, saved me from more insanities and abuses. I was on a road to slowly breaking the chains of control and abuse but I still had a long way to go. The most convincing tale of dishonesty and underhandedness by Tom Ryan was that when I left, Tom called John Baker’s parents asking them not to harbor John or me because he had kicked me and John out of Tom’s home for selling drugs. You that know John know this next account to be “John”. When John called and questioned Tom about these accusations, Tom did not deny making them. He just asked John not to call anymore. As John told Tom, John looks forward to meeting Tom one day.
Please continue to follow me as I continue to write about what happen to me, my son Kevin and my daughters, and my baby boy Justin. These next blogs about the children will be haunting and very sad, but necessary to continue to understand how an abuser functions and why it’s important to get out of an abusive relationship especially if children are present.
"I will break the chains that bind me, happiness will find me. Leave the past behind me, Today my life begins"~Yao
REST...REGROUP...RETURN
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