“Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose."

 I was numb, terrified, but focused. Focused on getting away from a situation that I was drowning in. I knew that I would be no good to myself or my children if I became sick or unstable. I was determined to survive. My life was in my own hands now and I was bound and determined to live free from the physical abuse and manipulation.  My body could not survive the continued beatings by Kevin Landers, Sr. I knew that the choice I made was going to be a difficult path to walk but not any more difficult than being the abused, beaten down soul that I was during this time.

 Upon leaving New Jersey, I met up with John 17 months earlier than we had planned. It was not a visit of pleasure. It was a necessary choice that I had to make to survive the evil that was plummeting down on me. John and I had a lot of choices to make. “Were we going to stay together?” or “Were we going to remain apart until April 2007?” There were a lot of long conversations, tears, frustrations and choices to hash through. It was very emotionally and physically draining on me but because I was away from all the noise of all the ones that were trying to silence me and control me, I could hear very clearly in the silence. I could listen very closely and talk openly for the first time in my life without judgment or disgrace. It took all the energy I had to get out of bed every day and put one foot in front of the other and my innate, God given instinct kicked in and I listened intently. It told me to run. Run to a safe place. Run like I had never run before.

“Selflessness and bravery aren’t all that different. All your life you’ve been training to forget yourself, so when you’re in danger, it becomes your first instinct.” Veronica Roth

I started doing a lot of research online and talked to people about a place to live that would be safe, comforting, and inexpensive. I wanted to move as far away from Kevin and his posse of haters as I could. I needed to pull myself together and try to think logically about how I was going to recreate my life I knew that Kevin Landers was trying to push me to insane limits by using my family, my friends and especially our children. Kevin had concluded that taking the kids and using them as his little pawns would surely either drive me back in his arms or drive me to the brinks of insanity, but what he didn’t know is that he pushed me too far.

“He claimed his profession of love for me ESPECIALLY after he punched me in the face, threw me down the stairs, kicked me in the stomach, and spit on me while I lay crying. I allowed him possession over my body, my heart and my soul. He claimed passionate love and I established no boundaries.”~Catherine

 I gave him everything I had physically and emotionally. I am the mother of his 4 children. Children that he proved he does not know how to love by his continued neglect of them. I sacrificed my very soul to try to please his sexual fantasies…choices I will forever regret. I gave him my heart. A heart he broke with his infidelities, lies, and actions. I almost gave him my life by his continued beatings. Every month that I go to the doctor for an MRI to check my brain activity, and every day when I have to take my epilepsy medication I am reminded of the beatings that I took over and over and over again. For 18 years, I claimed no limits on my personal space. I was standing free and away from his hate and I was not going back to Lt. Col. Kevin Paul Landers, Sr.  no matter what he held hostage. I WAS NOT going to allow him to claim my existence again. I was standing tall and free and my world wasn’t clouded anymore. I could see the sunshine through the storm and the sun was shining brightly in San Miguel de Allende, Mexico.

John and I decided to check out San Miguel. We visited with his family in the USA and then we were on a plane to Mexico. It was quite overwhelming and we were both exhausted but ready to try to recover from all the hate that surrounded us in the states.

Once in Mexico, we caught a bus to San Miguel. It was about a 8 hour drive and it was beautiful. I knew a little bit of Spanish from high school, but had a hard time understanding most things. When we saw San Miguel de Allende in the valley from the surrounding mountains, I knew that this place would be a safe haven. The city sits in the mountains and all the vibrant colors that covered the building and homes were breathtaking. I was very excited to try to recover from a year of hell. We stayed in a hotel called San Sebastian. It was very lovely. There was a rooftop view so in the evening, John and I went up with our pizza, beer and blankets and starred in awe at how beautiful this little city was. I looked at John and said, “This is our safe place”

I just knew in my heart that we would be protected here away from all the hateful games and evil doers. A gut feeling that has proven me correct 8 years later.

"The ache for our home lives in all of us, the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned."~Maya Angelou

Once John and I got settled in our home, it was time to try to reconnect with my kids. I would try to call them from pay phones and borrowed phones but Kevin would refuse me conversation with them. He then changed all his phone numbers but they were easy for me to find because lest Kevin forget that we shared the same family and friends for 18 years. I guess you learn real fast who your true friends are. By Kevin’s lies and actions, he was violating the court orders but he knew that I was not going to fight him in court so he did whatever he wanted with no conscience on how it would affect our children. Kevin’s actions to try to make the children hate me only made the kids hate him more and to this day 3 out of his 4 children want nothing to do with him. Justin is still his hostage but not for much longer. Justin will break free just like the rest of us did. If there was one thing I taught my children in all of this insanity, it was to leave an abusive situation...and they have. My son KJ left first, then Megan, then Amanda. They all ran away from their father’s home and his abuses. My youngest will be 16 years old on September 28^th. His father has never chosen to keep a child in his home beyond the age 16 ½ years. He usually places them in a drug evaluation program or an “unruly” child’s home. Any place away from him and Melody Landers so that they will not have to take partial responsibility for the turmoil our children have endured. I have nothing to hide and I have aggressively sought out and embraced the 3 discarded Landers children and the oldest Wilson child that Melody continues to disown.  Justin’s 3 siblings and I, his mother, will be here for Justin when he is able to make contact. 

So having said that let me continue. I never stopped trying to have contact with my children and each time I tried, it made it that much harder emotionally for me. I feared that I was losing my connection with them and I knew that their father was filling their head with lies about me. I knew Kevin’s antics and I feared the harm that he would inflict on the kids emotionally and physically. I knew Kevin was not and is not a good father without my presence and if any of you have any doubts about my claim, ask yourselves this, what happened to KJ, Megan, Amanda, and Kayla? Why are 4 children excluded from Kevin and Melody’s public claims of their family? [see this blog entry “4 children Unaccounted for” Children that Kevin Sr. neglects to love and covet  
Why is Justin forbidden to speak to ANY of his siblings or family member unless Kevin or Melody are present? Why is Justin once again ban from seeing his sister Amanda after visiting with her June 2012 in Texas? There are a lot of red flags that some are choosing to ignore.  These are logical question with illogical answers. Kevin and Melody can blame me. But after 8 years of not being present because Kevin made sure I was shut out of the children’s lives, how can Kevin and Melody NOT take responsibility for the insanities they created. With all my feverish efforts to try to be a part of my children’s lives, Kevin worked just as hard to ensure that he would make my life and their life a living hell. In another Blog entry I will go into more detail about each of the children and how I was able to find them and reconnect with them. Be prepared. The hell that this father put his children through is daunting and if anyone out there doubts my story, the kids will tell their stories in their own words as I frequently encourage them to do.

This entry is a short one, but it is a segue to my life here in Mexico and a different journey that I am on. I am on the path from victim to recovering survivor but the obstacles ensue as I try to gain a connection with my kids. The big orange road block is my abuser. Please stay with me on this journey as there are a lot of avalanches on this road to recovery. The hurt that my children suffer by the actions of their father, Lt. Col Kevin Paul Landers, Sr. US Army and the step-mother Melody Morrison Wilson Landers are undeniably horrific and sinful. The stories told by the mouths of my kids are very haunting but necessary for them to tell because they also need to heal. Now things are “back firing” for the man that fought and lied in a court of law to gain control over his children to try to punish me. I have not been punished but the wounds that are left on the kid’s hearts because of their fathers hate may never heal. Only time and love will soften the pain. Hopefully, my strength that I have built up over the years can be a strong enough bandage for all of us. With God’s grace and mercy, I am bound and determined to turn all this insanity around. I have written this before, and I won’t stop saying it, “I have responsibility in my marriage to Kevin and the downfall from it. I have never solely blamed Kevin and I never will.” We both had messed up lives but the children should not have suffered the way they did and their father should cease attempting to use them to harm me.
Perhaps one day Kevin will admit his faults. I believe that if he does, his children will be more likely to forgive and embrace their father. However, our kids were there in the midst of all the insanity. They saw everything, heard everything, and endured everything. My children’s father, Kevin Paul Landers Sr. needs to stop holding them hostage to his lies. It is time for him to face his demons before it is too late to ever be able to heal any wound he continues to inflict with his deceitful life. It is easy to blame Melody, but she had nothing to do with the downfall of our marriage. Kevin is responsible for the choices he has made regarding our children and Melody and her evil ways have been an added thorn to the children’s lives. Melody does, however, have responsibility for the abuses she inflicted on my children once she entered their lives and will be held accountable one day for the emotional and physical abuse she continually used against my kids and her own daughter

As I lay awake each night for God to direct me, I pray that my children would close out their fathers words and remember the mom I was and still am to them; The mom that loves without conditions; The mom that spent every moment I could on our “special night” together; The mom that still sings lullabies to them in my private moments, just like I use to do in their bed each night.

Before I close this entry, I want to end it with the lyrics to a lullaby that my mother sang to me each night and then I carried the tradition to my children. I want my children to read this and then close their eyes and remember…I love you…I LOVE ALL FOUR OF YOU.

Too- ra- loo- ra- loo- ral   

Too-ra-loo-ra-li

Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ra

Hush, now don’t you cry

Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral

Too-ra-loo-ra-li

Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral

This is an irish lullaby

REST..REGROUP…RETURN