The beginning....my love for Kevin....

“A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.

”I am ready to tell my story. I have to start with the past so I can help you better understand where I am, how I am, and where I want to be today. Please walk with me on my path. I met Kevin at the University of Arkansas. Thats right-RAZORBACKS! One of my good friends mother was head cook in the cafeteria where all of us ate. She introduced Kevin and I and from there we were just friends. There was a group of us which included my identical twin, Caron and her now husband-Tom. All of us would go out to eat together, or go to clubs to listen to the newest band in town. We had lots of fun. At some point, Kevin and I started to see each other more than just friends. He was funny, charming and down to earth and I liked that. After about 3 weeks of dating, Kevin told me he loved me. I was a little stunned by this. I dated in high school, but I never told a guy I loved him. I did have a few guys tell me they loved me and even had a marriage proposal but I was very protective of my feelings and did not give away my heart that easy. I did not tell Kevin I loved him back and I sensed he was frustrated by this. But, I did start to see him in a more loving way. There was a moment when my feelings turned to love for him. He had taken me to his parents friends home one weekend. They knew each other through church and Kevin did frequent their home, so he brought me with him one Sunday. There was a daycare center in the home with a few children with disabilities. Kevin had crawled on the floor next to a little boy that was paralyzed, but the little boy could smile. Kevin would talk to him and make him giggle and laugh. Watching Kevin with this little child touched me. That evening, I told him I loved him too. It was 3 months since he told me he loved me first. I decided to bring Kevin home with me to meet my family. It was a good weekend and all went very well. I did however ask my father how he felt about Kevin. My father told me he seemed nice but to be careful. My father's exact words were this-"Be careful kid-he has a temper." I did not see what my father saw until one evening back at the university. I had alot of friends that I graduated high school with that went to U of A and other colleges close by. We would all try to get together occasionally. Kevin wanted to go out one night but I told him I was going to hang out with my high school buddies. He seemed dissapointed but I spent time with my friends anyways. We all decided to go to our local pizza place and just hung out there. I did not get home late and Kevin was waiting in my dorm room. I asked him if he was ok because he appeared very upset. He said-"you didn't tell me some of your friends were guys." I reassured him that I never dated any of them. It was just a big group of us and there was nothing to it. Kevin did not seem satisfied with that and wanted to fight about it. I tried to calm his building anger over something that was nothing, but he was not calming down so I told him to leave my dorm room. As he left, he punched the concrete wall with his right hand. I really thought he broke his wrist. When I knew he was ok, I told him to still leave and he did. I remember I went into my room and sat on my bed. Then my father's words echoed in my mind-..."be careful kid....he has a temper." I wish today I would have not made excuses for Kevin. I wish today, I would have gone with my gut feeling....I wish today, I would have walked away from the man that later became a wolf in sheeps clothing. I wish today-I was not a survivor of domestic violence, but a women that should have walked away. But, I pushed all my gut feelings aside and focused on the man that I thought I knew. The man that I knew I loved. The man that I chose to be my first love, my life-long partner and husband and father of our 4 children. My father and mother gave us such a beautiful wedding. We got married on April 11th, 1987 in my hometown-Mountain Home Arkansas. Kevin and I were so excited to begin our journey together. After the wedding, we loaded up my yellow Maverick and headed up to Long Island, New York. What a thrill, what a fear of the unknown, what excitement to be on my own with a cute guy that said he loved me like no other, and plans for a huge future. However, Long Island New York brought me accusations from Kevin's past. Kevin's parents started to reveal a family that used and continues to use "God's love and forgiveness" as an excuse for odd behavior-hurtful behavior towards each other. I started to notice a lack of physical affection in their home. I came from a home of "huggers" so it was odd that this family never touched each other. I noticed that each person in that home had their own wall around them- like they were each trying to hide something. There was arguing as every family argues-but the yelling only came from Jim as Becky would cower and rush around to try to distract Jim's anger. I heard Jim and Becky's children talk disrespectful and mean towards their mother-learned behavior from Jim. Becky would rush around trying to please everyone and I remember feeling sorry for her so I would try help her do her demanded tasks by her family. I was frustrated with Kevin and his father for treating Becky so mean. My mom and I had lots of arguments but I never treated her the way Becky was treated inside the walls of the Landers home. I noticed that Jim never really addressed his son Kevin in a loving way as Jim was always busy with work and church. Bethpage Church of Christ is where I started to learn alot more about how Jim would use his "passion for God's word" as an excuse for his hateful, unpredictable behavior. Behavior that was everything but "Christ-like." In the end, I became Becky-the woman I felt sorry for so many times, and Kevin became Jim....with the added perversion of more severe abuses.

Details on my revelations later. And so my journey continues......I have more to share and more to show. This journey will give a better understanding as to why I am here...why I have epilepsy...why I continue to move forward and why everyday is a healing day for me and my children. Rest for now...regroup......return soon......