To those who abuse, the sin is yours, the crime is yours, and the shame is yours. 
To those who protect the perpetrators, blaming the victims only masks the evil within, making you as guilty as those who abuse. Friends don’t let friends blame victims. 
Survivors need our support, not our scrutiny So let’s put the responsibility where it belongs. 
Remember, education is the key to ending revictimization. 
Break the silence, break the cycle. 

Melody Morrison Wilson Landers...lies, theft and marriage

Once we were settled in San Miguel de Allende, my fears of not having a safe home to exist in diminished quite a bit. I felt safe but I still desperately missed my children. Kevin continued playing his hateful games and using the children as pawns to try to control me and destroy my inner peace. Some days were better than others. Months had passed and John and I started to make friends and get ourselves acclimated in our new environment. Our fears of the constant threats from Kevin and his sister Kelly did not affect us like they had in the prior months. We started to realize that alot of lies and intimidation was their way of trying to put fear in our plan to try to recreate our lives away from their evil ways.
We would occasionally get anonymous phone calls where the person would just sit on the other end of the phone. I knew in my heart that it was Kevin. I usually would hang up on him, but a few times I would try to talk to him but he would always hang up. One day, John got a phone call from a so called FBI agent but Melody’s voice was unmistakable so John would ask Melody to stop calling and he would hang up.  It was very odd and disturbing to me that Kevin tried to alienate me and forced me out of our children’s lives, yet he could not let me go. The late night hang ups, mysterious callers, and hateful emails he would send, sent a clear message. He was still stalking me all the way in Mexico. Kevin & Melody would call our home continuously and tell me and John how miserable we (me & John) were…very crazy childish calls. Kevin continues to have a need to control me and I dare say in his weird, abusive way, he still loves me.

Although Kevin has always initiated contact with me, he chose to file a restraining order in an effort to have me cease contacting him. Kevin did not succeed in a restraining order but per El Paso County, Co the Judge issued a No-Contact Order which means we are not allowed contact with each other. I was pleased and relieved to concede to the order initiated by LTC. Kevin Paul Landers Sr. The only contact we needed should have been for our children’s sake. But, since Kevin refuses to have contact with me & 3 of our 4 children, then why wouldn’t I concede to his request?  I do not want any contact with Kevin or Melody. Yet, they still legally contact me through our children, friends and family (Refer to my blog entry Abusers Censorship request denied by El Paso County).

Stalking Defined: A pattern of repeated and unwanted attention, contact, harassment, or any other action directed at a specific person that would cause a reasonable person to feel fear.

October 2006 had been over 1 full year since my children had been forced to return to their father. I had not spoken to or seen my children in so long. I was trying to recreate my life and trying to let go of all the hate and insanities I had been dealing with concerning Kevin and Melody. One fall afternoon, life threw me an unexpected twist and the insight I experienced was unforgettable. I have learned since this incident that not all can be trusted even if their voice is soothing and their actions seem Christ-like.  Evil lurks in mysterious places especially when your spirit is wounded and depressed. This is the time when the devil knows your weak spots and will use people that are ungodly to do his dirty work. My trusting spirit, trusted once again, and the devastation that one woman tried to inflict was unforgivable. I was allowing a demon into my life and with my blinded faith that her intentions were full of kindness; I learned real fast that her intentions were not driven by compassion but by hate for me and her hate for my children. I opened my heart to Melody Wilson Landers because she seduced me with her manipulative words of peace and love for my children.  Melody was not an angel sent by God but a messenger sent with evil intentions. A liar; a serpent; a hater; a wolf in sheep’s clothing.

Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves. (Matthew 7:15)

Let me explain-
One day, late October of 2006, John handed the phone to me. I asked who it was. He said-It’s Melody. I just looked at him and said in a whisper-What does she want with me? John shrugged and said-“Maybe It’s about one of your kids.” My heart sank. I hoped that one of my babies was not in trouble. I slowly grabbed the phone, cleared my throat, and said-“Hello?”

After every other conversation being profanity, anger, childishness and hate, surprisingly Melody was very pleasant. It jolted me. I was very confused by her unexpected kindness. The first thing she did was to reassure me that my children were ok and still with their father. She told me she was calling because her and Kevin had broken up (they started dating in May 2005) and that she knew that I would want to hear about my kids. She did tell me however to never mention our conversation as Kevin did not know about her phone call. My mind was reeling. I was cautious with Melody at first but I was also elated. I truly thought that her kindness was a God send and I was so grateful to be able to have some type of connection to my children.  

Melody told me that my girls M and A were doing great. M was doing well in soccer had a boyfriend and A was a cheerleader. She told me that my son K was doing awesome playing his guitar and that he was still in a band and that J was making straight A’s in school. She told me that my children missed me very much and that Kevin, their father, was very mean and controlling to them and that is why she left Kevin. She said that Kevin had forbid the children from speaking my name, “your mother is dead”. She told me how Kevin would find items of mine that the kids had hidden as a reminder of me, “he finds them and destroys them in front of the kids”. Melody told how Kevin had gotten mad at her and during a physical fight Kyle was “bumped on accident” and fell down the stairway. Melody said that Kevin had a pornography surfing problem and was mad because Melody refused to “do his crazy sex stuff”.  Melody said that she and Kevin fought all the time and that he had been abusive to her so that is why she was calling me. I asked her if she was safe and where she was living. She told me she had an apartment on the other side of town in Fayetteville, NC and that her and Kyle were both safe from Kevin’s actions. She told me she felt bad for leaving my children with Kevin but that she had to protect her and Kyle and that she still had contact with my kids. Right then I should have known that something was wrong with Melody’s story. Let me explain. If Melody truly left Kevin because they fought all the time and he was abusive to her, Kevin would not have allowed Melody contact with the children. Just the way Kevin did with me. It’s his control to use the kids as pawns. But, I did not catch the lie back then as well as all the other lies told about how wonderful my kids were doing. Now back to the story.
Over a period of 4 months, Melody called us consistently almost every day.  She would share with me about men that she had been dating. One man she claimed was a man named Bobby. Melody spoke of how excited she was that he was rich and had proposed marriage to her. She was not sure she wanted to marry him because her family would not approve of him being black. Then there was another guy named Tommy. She sent us pictures of Tommy with Kyle at Christmas time and would tell me how much better the sex was with Tommy than with Bobby and both being better than Kevin. There were times when Melody would go off on these stories that I knew she was being vindictive towards Kevin but listened as I did enjoy receiving current pictures of my children along with hearing their voice when Melody would leave her phone off the hook in their presence aka “butt dials”.   Melody shared pictures of the kids with me and would continue to tell me how wonderful they were doing and although it saddened me that my kids were thriving without me, I was grateful that they were safe and happy. Later however, I found out that all of melody’s stories of ‘happy kids” were all lies. Melody told me how wonderfully close she was with her daughter Kayla. That Kayla would write to her everyday and always tell her how much she loved her and missed her. I envied Melody’s story of her bond with her daughter, until I found out the truth about Melody and her daughter. (Kayla has chosen to not speak to her Mom in over 6yrs now) Melody and I would be on the phone for hours some days as she would share with me all the hateful things Kevin would say to her and how he would degrade Kyle. I truly felt sorry for Melody as I knew how Kevin could be with his anger. She would leave messages for me and John and she would be crying begging us to call her back ASAP because Kevin was being hateful again. Some days she would be a wreck and then other days she would be extremely happy. I knew that Melody had some emotional problems and John and I both agreed that she may be manic Depressive but that didn’t bother me. She was my only connection to my kids so I continued contact with her even though Melody could be very draining with her behaviors. Then her behavior became more erratic and I started to get concerned with what my children had to deal with in addition to their father.  Later I will blog how truly unstable Melody’s behavior was and continues to be to this very day.

Melody called me late one morning and she told me that Kevin had been stalking her for some time. According to Melody, Kevin would follow her all over town and then he would just sit in her apartment parking lot. She explained that Kevin would call and leave hateful, degrading voicemails, and that he threatened to kill her. Melody proceeded to tell me that she had a date with her “black boyfriend” as Melody referred to Bobby. She said that Kevin had followed her and Bobby all over town during their date nights.  She said that she went back to her apartment with Bobby and that Kevin started pounding on the door and screaming obscenities like:

“I’m gonna fuck you.” “You are such a slut” “You’re a fucking whore” “I’m going to kill Kyle” 

I believed Kevin was capable of saying all these things as he would say them to me all the time. But then she told me that Kevin said, “I know that nigger is in there with you and I’m gonna break down this fucking door.” I honestly caught my breath. At that moment I questioned whether Melody was lying to me or not. As much as Kevin is a hateful man, neither John nor I had ever known of Kevin Landers to use racial slurs. NEVER.  I started to question Melody’s reliability. Melody then told me she had to call the police and that the police did come. She said that the police officers were buddies of hers and they were aware of Kevin’s prior restraining order (the one I filed) so they came and sat Kevin down and had a talk with him. Then according to Melody, her and Bobby agreed not to have Kevin arrested so the police escorted Kevin home and told Melody to file a restraining order. I was so drained from everything Melody had told me. I was not sure what to believe. Even though Kevin is an abusive man, her story was not adding up to total truths. I asked Melody if she was going to file the restraining order and according to a voice mail recoding I posted on my YouTube
(please view: Melody laughs about her restrain order against LTC Landers )Melody does state in the beginning that 4 police officers were “kicked back” in her apartment and at time frame 1:22 that she did file a restraining order. When you continue to listen to the end of the sound bite video, Kevin did have to go to court and she laughs about it. Having said this, my gut feeling is that Melody is a liar about most of this and the only one that can dispute her is LTC Kevin Paul Landers, Sr. or Bobby (if he even exists).

As Melody continued to call us, I became more hesitant with her. She did share pictures of the kids with me and their MySpace’s. Melody would often ask to speak with John and was obsessed with him referring to me by a pet name that she started using with Kevin and continues to do so to this day- just strange.  She also shared pictures of John’s children with him and legal documents.  Refer to my YouTube video(please view: Melody receives Kelly Baker-Barnes bracelet, gifts, money and legal documents  )These are just a few voice mails that I have posted as I have several more. I also have phone records dated back to 2005 that can dispute Melody’s claim that she never called us. I will produce them if necessary. However, if you know Melody, she has an unmistakable voice.

Christmas 2006 was a month away and Melody had told John and me that if we wanted to buy gifts for our children and send them to her, she would wrap them and send them from her home in Fayetteville, NC.  John and I were willing to risk this with Melody because the mail system in Mexico is extremely risky during the Holiday season. So we could send the gifts early and then Melody could distribute them in a timely manner.  Our children never received any of our gifts as we found out months later. As a matter of fact, John had purchased a silver bracelet for his children’s mother as a gift from the kid’s per his oldest son Nathan’s request. This bracelet had 5 silver rings (representing 5 children). Since my girls have joined me in Mexico, they have seen the bracelet at local merchants and commented “Melody had that bracelet” (wow, they didn’t even know the story). Please note that John has spoken with Nathan on a daily basis since we arrived in Mexico in 2006. During this Christmas time, John had shared with Nathan that Melody was speaking to John and that gifts were being sent. John paid money to have a miniature Carolina Panther helmet autographed by Julius Peppers and given to Nathan. John told Nathan all the items that were to arrive to the 4 children, his mom and Nathan. Interestingly enough, the week before Christmas, Melody said Kelly (Nathan’s mom) wanted Melody to get Nathan the same helmet that had been autographed. So, come Christmas time, Nathan received the helmet from his mom and no one received other gifts. Melody had stolen them. On some of the voice messages, Melody confirms receiving and mailing the gifts. She claims she did send the gifts but that Kelly refused the children their gifts…John does not believe Melody. Hopefully some child or organization received South American/Mexico soccer balls, caps, wallets and PESOS; shirts, dress, etc. Melody is the true Grinch. Melody through her lying and theft exposed her true self to Nathan. He is aware of who this evil woman is and avoids her to this day. So, once I started to realize that Melody had lied about some things, I had to only conclude that she lied about most things.

The man, who lies to the world, is the world’s slave from then on…There are no white lies, there is only the blackest of destruction, and a white lie is the blackest of all.”~Ayn Rand

I decided to stay in touch with Melody, but I did not trust a word she told me anymore. I used her to try to gain access to my children. Melody knew that John and I were going to a time share in Mazatlan (a Mexican beach on the coast) for our Christmas vacation. It was strange to John and I that Melody kept trying to convince us to get married on the beach. John and I played along with Melody and told her that were going to be married over Christmas. Unknown to Melody, John and I had no intentions on getting married.  Once again, John and I started to realize that Melody had evil motives all along and we became very cautious in our conversations with her.

After our trip to Mazatlan ended in early January 2007, Melody had left several voice mails congratulating us newlyweds.?!  I returned her calls. She told me that she and Kevin were back together and that he had proposed to her. She appeared to want me to congratulate her and to be happy for her…it was all very strange. She asked me what I thought and I struggled to find the words. Here is a woman that just told me weeks prior that Kevin was verbally and physically abusive to her. That Kevin degraded Kyle’s existence. That she had filed a restraining order against Kevin because of his stalking and now she was asking for my approval? WOW Melody? I knew then that these last few months were based on lies, and manipulations. That Melody was toying with me to try to hurt me deeper than I had already been hurt by using my children to gain access to my life. That Melody wanted John and I to get married so she could convince Kevin to marry her. Kevin still called me often and I think Melody knew he would never marry as long as I was single. It made sense that Melody would manipulate Kevin into proposing to her. Melody even later boasted how she knew I was lying about not being married to John because she had the “certificate”. It would appear Melody produced a false John/Catherine marriage document in an effort to “free Kevin from me”? What a sick basis for a marriage.  Melody was and still is a pathological liar that will continue to be one as long as she can get away with it. I was at a loss for words. I said to Melody, “I hope he doesn’t abuse you. Be very cautious with his intentions. Keep your eyes wide open”.  I still however, chose to stay in contact with Melody because she was the only connection I had to my babies.

One day, I decided to go against Melody’s request to not contact my children on MySpace. I did send a message to Megan, Amanda, and Melody’s daughter-Kayla. It was a message of how I was glad that the 3 of them were bonding.  I was not prepared for the backlash I got from Melody. She called me screaming and cursing telling me that I went against her and betrayed her by contacting my daughters and her 16 year old daughter Kayla.  Melody literally was in a psychotic state of mind on the phone and as much as I tried to calm her down, she would not. She ended our conversation with lewd remarks and obscenities which forced me to hang up on her.  Over this 4 month period, Melody never kept her promise of having my children speak to me.  Not only were my children being parented by a hateful father, they were now going to have to contend with a hateful, lying, manipulative wife of their father.  My determination to reach my children became even greater and I was not going to quit until I made a connection again.

Please stay with me as I eventually do make contact with my kids but not without a lot of obstacles, pains, and heart wrenching trials. Not only had I survived my abuser and was free from him but now I had to free my children from the clutches of their hateful guardians.  I also had to survive a wound that raised its ugly head from abuses inflicted by Kevin for many years. This wound has a name-Epilepsy.

“Without pain, there would be no suffering, without suffering we would never learn from our mistakes. To make it right, pain and suffering is the key to all windows, without it; there is no way of life.”~Angelina Jolie

Rest…Return…Regroup

Epilepsy and survival....

I had another check up with my wonderful doctors. My
epilepsy is contained and I have been seizure free for almost 2 years now. Many
have asked questions about my past and my diagnosis so I want to share with you
the history of my epilepsy.

After we moved back from England and left that world behind,
we were stationed at Fort Belvoir, VA. I
have talked about Fort Belvoir in many past entries. It was a great location. I
also talked about England and the time, I believe, my brain damage was accelerated
after I was thrown across the living room and my head slammed into the corner
of the stone fireplace in our home.

There were moments when I would be driving and I had to pull
over because I felt like I was going to faint. I determined to myself that I
was dehydrated or tired, but now I know that it was scar tissue growing on my
brain. I was healthy and always got a great report on my yearly checkups. My
blood pressure, heart, pap smears were all great and I was very athletic, but
there were times, that I felt “weird” .

Going through my divorce, I equated my dizziness or fainting
to the stress of battling my ex husband but now I know that it was his
signature on my brain-my epilepsy- raising its ugly head. But, I never went to
the doctors. Once I got away from my ex, and moved to Mexico, everything seemed
to be ok with my health. I was still dealing with emotional battles with the
divorce and custody, reoccurring nightmares of his beating me but I felt ok
physically.

Out of the blue, in Aug 2008 I got an email from my
ex-husband. He wanted to send my daughter Amanda to me in Mexico. Of course I
said yes. Amanda was here for 3 months in 2008 and then I went into a legal
battle with her father. He refused to send the proper paper work and I was
forced to contact the IG at Fort Carson. General Grahm was prevalent at this time
and the IG was Daniel Parker. But, Amanda’s time ran out here in Mexico legally,
and Kevin forced her back. To Kevin-it was a sick game at the expense of his
daughter. After Amanda left, her father and step-mother refused me to have
contact with Amanda. I had no idea where Amanda was and it was very frightening
to me. I eventually found Amanda in a treatment center. It was called Merridell
in Texas and I knew I would be on an uphill battle with Kevin. My fainting and
fatigue- I thought it was the stress over my children, but I learned that it
was so much more-it was Epilepsy.

After a year, I once again received an email from my ex. The
email is copy/pasted as follows:

FROM:

· Landers, Kevin P Sr LTC....

TO:

· tammany.girl@gmail.com

· tammany.girl@yahoo.com

Message
flagged

Tuesday, June 16, 2009 11:50 PM

Catherine,


I think at this time it is best if Amanda join you permenantly. I am willing to
go back to North Carolina and change the court order to give you primary
custody while I have secondary custody of Amanda only. The order would not
change the arrangement with Justin. You would gain primary

custody of Amanda with no support in that I am supporting Justin.


If agreed upon, the change in court document will obviously take some time so I
will be at the mercy of the Court system in order to make this change. This
will give you Amanda, which you wanted, and will appease Amanda. I cannot
guarantee if the courts will allow this to happen but I am willing to try. If
we start heading down the same road of ugliness that we have experienced in the
past, then I will look for alternative means. I am prepared to relinquish
primary custody of her.


Your thoughts?


Kevin



Kevin P. Landers Sr.

Commander

4th Engineer Battalion

Fort Carson, Colorado

So, of course, I complied. Let me explain. In my divorce
proceedings, I ONLY wanted my children. I never asked for alimony or money
period. I told my lawyer that I just wanted to get the divorce over with as
soon as possible. I was terrified and I
just wanted my kids to be with me. Kevin could have his time with them as the
court deemed fit. It did not work out that way. In the end…I lost my home, my possessions,
my children and everything I held close to my heart.

Once Amanda came back to me in August 2009, I was still in a
battle. The stress and abuse inflicted on my body was taking a toll and it came
to a head. On a sunny day, November 16, 2009 John and I were catching a bus to
town. I sat in the seat of the bus and my left leg started jumping uncontrollably.
I looked at John and said-“Get me off this bus.” He carried me out and I seemed
to be ok, but as John was flagging down a taxi, I went into a seizure. I do not
remember anything except that I woke up with tubes coming out of every part of
me. I was in the hospital and John was at my side. The doctors came in and said
that they needed to do a CAT-SCAN because my seizure was a grand-mal.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/grand-mal-seizure/DS00222

After the results of the CAT-SCAN, my doctors came into my
room and had concerned looks on their faces. I just looked at them and then
they asked John to leave the room. I was confused. My neurologists and family
practitioner looked at me and asked me to answer them with honesty. What they
had determined from the CAT-SCAN was that I have scar tissue from about 10-12
years ago (1998-2002) because of repeated head trauma over time and my brain is
trying to get rid of it….ie….that is why I experience Grand Mal seizures. They
did not know how long John and I were together, so they assumed that it was
John and that is why they asked him to leave the room. They were very upset and
wanted to know who had done this to me. So, for the first time I told strangers
my story of abuse by Kevin. It was a very hard moment for me as I do not want
to share ANY emotion in public…especially with almost strangers, but I trusted
my doctors. They wanted to protect me and as of today, I have been seizure free
for 2 years now. There is no cure for epilepsy but I can control my epilepsy
with daily medication. My diet is very strict. My doctors have put me on a Ketogenic diet and I am ok with this. I have
to be careful with stimulants like caffeine and alcohol and stress as these are
definite triggers. So, a few years ago, I started working out with yoga and
other peaceful routines. Don’t get me wrong-I LOVE the weight lifting and
cardio stuff, but my mind and body need more of a relaxing state.

So, my
journey will always continue. My doctors know my life and I trust them. They
have saved my life and I forever will be grateful to them.

“Sometimes I wake in the middle of the night and I fear that
my brain will collapse, but my fear is only temporary. I have people that love
me…need me…want me…I have a responsibility to be a mother, a wife, a friend and
a mentor. God does not give us more than we can handle and I feel like it is my
responsibility to help others.” Catherine Landers

I became a foreign soul on foreign soil.....

In between trying to balance the kids and keeping Kevin happy, I felt I was slipping slowly into a state of depression. I had never really been “depressed” before. I would try in the past to fill up my time with busy work so that I would not have to listen to the crickets in my brain that chirped the loudest in the middle of the night. I would run on about 3-4 hours a sleep and when I was awake, I tried very hard to stay focused on my tasks. As other officers settled into their homes with their families, there was a support group being formed . Typically on the weekends, we would all gather at a park in our neighborhood and have a cookout. Each family brought their own food to grill and drinks and snacks and then all would share. The kids had fun playing with each other and the adults got a break from the kids and sat back talking over drinks and food. At first, I looked forward to those times with the other families. My children were able to play with all their friends and it was a good time to detach from the insanities that were happening on the inside of my home. Yes, I did put on the facade of being happy and portraying Kevin and I as the happy couple, but little did I know that people were already talking behind our backs about concerns they were having. Kevin started to display his anger more publicly with his comrades. Some made the excuse that it was the pressure of the school, but when Kevin started to bring his anger to our family get togethers, people were genuinely stating to see openly, the “Kevin” that I faced each day.

On one particular occasion, we were at a family gathering. It was the same routine of grilling out and the military families relaxing for the weekend. The evening started off fine. Kevin called me to tell me that he and some of the other officers were going to be running late so to just take the kids and go without him. The family gatherings were in our neighborhood, so there was no driving or worry if the kids had to go to bed or potty. I went and like me, other wives were waiting for their husbands to come home. It was around 9pm and we were all having a good time. Kevin arrived and cordially said hello to everyone and then walked up to me and said “we are leaving now.” I could tell he was in a really bad mood and more than likely he got a bad grade on an exam he had that day. I thought to myself that I was not going to let him bring it out on me again. I said, “Kevin, the kids are having fun and so am I and I don’t want to go home.” He got closer to me and said, “You are going to gather up the kids and you are going home with me.” I looked at him straight in the eyes, and said, “NO!” At that moment, he knew I was standing firm and he was going to have to drag me home or leave without me. I held my breath and at that moment knew that everyone was watching us-including the kids. Kevin zoned into the others watching as well and he squared his shoulders and said goodnight to everyone and walked away. I was so relieved that he did not cause a scene. I watched him turn the corner and although I had aniexity about going home later, for that moment, I was ok and so were the kids…but it was only for a moment. As a matter of fact, it was minutes before I saw the silhouette of Kevin turning the corner. I could not see his face, but I could read his body language and he was furious. I remember I was holding Justin as he was starting to fall asleep in my arms. I stepped back and held my breath. He started telling the kids to get their bikes and jackets because he was taking them home. His exact words stung and for the first time-Kevin made a total ass out of himself in front of others. It turned out to be a blessing later but at that moment-I was mortified for him, me and our kids. He said, “You kids are coming home with me because it is late and your mother does not care about you.” ‘All she cares about is herself and getting drunk with her friends.” Kevin and I had never been big party-people. We rarely had alcohol in the house and England did center their gatherings on food and booze. I did drink more in England-we all did, so those words did not hurt me as much as Kevin saying I was a bad mother. So, Kevin starting grabbing 'A" and "M" by the hands. The kids starting crying knowing where Kevin’s anger usually led-it led to “Daddy” abusing “Mommy.”. I just stood there. I did not know what to do. Kevin jr. said, “But mommy said we can stay, but Mommy said we can stay.” Even at Kevin jr’s young age, it was his way to try to protect his mommy. Kevin sr. response was, “Don’t listen to her. She is just a drunk that does not care about you.” Hence, from that point on, that is what Kevin always called me. “A drunk and a neglectful mother that does not care about her kids.” He used these words because he knew they hurt me very deeply and that is what he wanted and still wants.
So, back to this moment. I froze in place as Kevin approached me and tried to grab Justin. I looked at him and said, “He is asleep and I will bring him home.” Kevin just grabbed "J" anyways and he woke up crying. Kevin started to walk away with the kids crying in tow. I could hear everyone breathing around me but I kept watching Kevin walk away. Then he turned and looked at me and said “well, are you coming?” It was like he just expected me to follow him because he had the children. He took the kids away from me and he thought I would follow his command of going home with him. The same tactic he tried to use in our divorce, but I will blog about that later.

I could not see Kevin’s face because of the street light behind him, but I could hear the kids whimpering, and Justin starting to cry and I was confused. He jolted me out of my silence and said, “Well, what the hell are you going to do?” I said, ‘I am staying right here.” His body language said it all. The stomp of his feet, the way he walked swiftly telling the older children to keep up and then I could see him look back in my direction one more time and I knew that if I went home right at that moment, I may not be sitting here typing on this computer. His rage for me was deep and I did fear walking into the darkness of our home while he waited for me. I slowly turned and looked at everyone. I was embarrassed, I was afraid, I was confused, and I did not know what to do except cry. I just turned and started walking towards the playground to try to get away from the crowd. I did not want them to see me cry. My friend Sue intercepted me and we went to her home. She tried to ask me about what just happened, but I asked her to not ask me. I just wanted to sit and gather my thoughts for a moment. She respected my request and we sat in silence. Because of Kevin’s behavior, the party was over and families had gone to their homes for the evening. I felt bad that Kevin’s behavior ruined the evening for everyone but I still could not believe that he showed his true colors towards me in public. For the first time, people saw what I would have to explain to people who did not see. I was not sure if Kevin’ public display was a good thing or a bad thing but I did know this one thing. He was going to blame me and make sure that I pay for his temper tantrum.

There was a knock on Sue’s door and I knew it was Kevin. Sue told Kevin that he needed to go back home and take care of the kids but Kevin kept saying-I want to talk to Cathie. He would not leave, so I went to the door. Kevin said with gritted teeth, “Come home now!” In my mind, I kept thinking, why is he so animate about me going home. The more he tried to bully me home, the more I feared going home. I just told him that I would be home later and to just go to bed. Kevin grabbed my arm faster than I could pull away and his grip tightened. He was twisting my skin and my skin turned red and was on fire. I thought that because Sue was watching that I could get him calm so I said, “Kevin, you are hurting me…just go home.” He tried to wrestle me out the door and then Sue’s husband Pier walked through the back door and grabbed my other arm and told Kevin to let me go. Kevin released me. Kevin backed away and said to me, “BITCH” “Don’t ever come back home then.” Pier closed the door. I slowly walked over to the couch and sat down. I just looked at my hands and for that moment I felt alone. VERY alone. I had no one. No family to go to, no children to hold on to, no money, and no home….I was alone in a foreign country and I was alone in a foreign marriage and I was alone inside a foreign Cathie. A foreign Cathie…..my body and mind were not connected anymore. I was living in two separate pieces on a map and all the paths looked the same. I was lost in a foreign country but it was not England…it was my soul. I was lost not on foreign soil but inside a foreign soul.

I hardly knew Pier and Sue nor did I want to share all of my life and secrets I was holding close to me. I asked them if they would walk me home. They did and as I went to open the front door-it was locked. I knew the children were asleep and I knew Kevin was awake because I saw him moving around. I knocked quietly and Kevin did not answer. I knocked again-no answer. I started to feel the emotion boil up inside me. The hurt and message he was sending to me was clear. It was not my home. It was his home as he commanded it. I hesitated on ringing the bell as to not wake the kids, so I knocked again and Kevin spoke. Through a window-“get the fuck away you stupid, skanky bitch.” I looked and Pier and Pier knocked and called Kevin’s name. I am not sure if Kevin knew Pier and Sue were with me but Kevin did open the front door. Pier asked if I was going to be ok and I almost choked on my words. I said, “Yes” and I proceeded to enter the house. Pier told Kevin to go to bed and maybe things will be better tomorrow. Kevin agreed and the door closed. I stood in a corner by the door and Kevin started to walk upstairs and then he turned and looked at me like he wanted me to follow. I did not look at him but I did say”I think I am going to sleep on the couch.” As Kevin walked up the stairs he mumbled “stupid bitch” I just put my arms around my waist. I was frozen in time and place. Almost like I was dreaming because everything had happened so fast. So much emotion and anger and then in a instance-gone. Kevin was a light switch-on and off..off then on. My mind could not work like that. I will still trying to catch my breath from the recent incident and asking myself…..what is real and what is not? I grabbed a blanket and lied on the couch and just stared in the dark. I heard Piers words…”go to sleep and everything will be better tomorrow.” Tomorrow…today…yesterday?? Which one would be better? I will still trying to overcome the yesterdays and now the today’s and I had to consider tomorrow? I grew up with a slogan that later I stated to resent, “don’t live in the past.” Don’t live in the past?? I could not even make sense of my daily routines with Kevin’s erratic behavior and I was still trying to figure out how to make our life better from the past words, abuses and hate. Going to sleep was going to make everything better? The one thing I feared with Kevin Landers was the tomorrows because I never knew who or what he was going to be. For the first time in my mind lying there in the dark, I hoped my sleep would be so deep that I would not have to face Kevin in our tomorrows. I was starting to fear my feelings towards myself. I was tired…..just so soulfully tired and I did not want to wake up. I never have quit at anything in my life unless I chose to and at that moment, in that cold dark living room in a home that did not feel like mine, I was quitting Catherine.Rest….Regroup..Return

"All this time, I can't believe I couldn't see
Kept in the dark but you were there in front of me
I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems
Got to open my eyes to everything

Without thought, without voice, without a soul
Don't let me die here
There must be something more
Bring me to life"~
Evanescence

Any tool is a weapon if you hold it right.” Ani Difranco

We arrived in England approximately Aug. of 1998. We were all tired as the plane flight was eight hours. The kids (ages 8, 6, 4) did great. Even my 2 year old Justin did not complain.

Our sponsors picked us up at the airport and brought us back to their home for some food and drinks. We then went to a temporary apartment until they could fix up our home for us. The Lt. officer housing was too small for our big family, so they were going to move us to Lt. Col. housing (see link at bottom of my blog. this takes you to a picture of our "white" house. Note our bulky van to the left of house. It is on red page 48). We all slept for about 12 hours when we arrived. Then it was time to get ready for the movers and Kevin had to sign in to his unit.

It was a challenge to unload our home, get the kids ready for school, learn the surrounding area and drive...Oh my-The driving. It was very stressful. We had a full size Dodge Caravan and the streets of England were not built for a vehicle that size. Also, I had to learn how to drive on the other side of the road...YIKES! But, I managed and made the best of it. The children adapted well in their schools. "K" and "M" went to Curridge Primary School and "J" and "A" went to Crabtree Pre-School. I was very impressed with the schools and I volunteered twice a week at "K" and "M" school. Then, twice a week at the pre-school. I truly enjoyed my work with the children.
Kevin was very busy with his master’s program. It was through the Royal School of Military Survey, based alongside the Regiment at Hermitage in Berkshire. Officers attend the Army Survey Course and, if successful, are awarded a Master of Science degree in Defense Geographic Information (Topography). The demand on these soldiers was intense and I started to fear Kevin’s attitude as it did affect his behavior towards me at home. I stayed pretty busy with the children and family support get-togethers. But in the evenings, Kevin would have high strung moments. He started to stress over this school and if he was stressed then I knew that his outbursts would be erratic and violent.
His completing this school was detrimental to his career. Without a Masters degree, Kevin would not be promoted to Captain. Once again, I pondered why he gave up his masters in the states and why did he have to leave so abruptly only needing 6 more credit hours to obtain a Masters in Business? Deep down inside my soul, I knew he was hiding something. I would find out years later what his secret is.

Perhaps with the intensity of Kevin’s school or being forced to accept England; whatever the reason, Kevin only engaged with me for sex or beatings. Our marriage was stale. We both went through our daily routines and when we saw each other, it was mostly just a stare in each other’s direction. It got to the point that the two of us would only exchange a few words over a several day period. I became fine with that as once again, I would rather have him ignore me than beat me. The children thrived in England. I was so happy with their education and their friends. "K" and "M" do not remember talking with British accents and now I wish I would have tape recorded them. My focus was the kids, and to me, they seem to be happy and relaxed. Once again, children sense things stronger, see things, hear things, observe and looking back, the kids knew that their father and I were not even friends anymore and it frightened them. Sometimes, children "appear" to be the most happy when they know mom and dad hate each other. The children got a Masters degree in PRETENDING and I was the perfect teacher on this subject. All of us got use to Daddy shoulder shucking mom into the wall as he passed, and the shoves, the dirty looks, and yelling. It became a mainstay and perversely, it became normal “Daddy behavior” for our children. I allowed it to become normal and today I see how horribly harmful that was to the Landers children who PRETENDED to be happy little kids.
Up to this point, one of the more severe mentally abusive acts by Kevin in England was the evening Kevin held a drill to my face in our kitchen. My day had been a crazy one as I had to drive 40 minutes to nearest American military installation (Croughton Air Force Base) to shop and then pick up the children from friends. I had just unloaded the groceries so the counters were full of grocery bags. I had not cleaned the dishes from the night before so the kitchen was a mess. Kevin had come home early and I could tell he was in a very bad mood. I chose not to ask why. I just started unloading the groceries. Kevin changed out of his military uniform and started slamming around the kitchen. Now looking back I find it interesting that Kevin had been abusing me for 8 years at that point, however up to this time, he would always change out of the respected uniform and put on civilian clothing prior to abusing me. During this England assignment, Kevin resented having to forfeit his business Masters and, in a way, England is where Kevin first started showing less respect for his role as an officer. Back to Kevin’s tantrum. After changing clothes and storming through the house, I ignored him. He was strange about me ignoring his childish tantrums. Sometimes Kevin did not want me to talk at all because he always said I talked too much and repeated myself. Other times, when he was not in the mood to degrade and beat me, he would have me tell him about my day and my plans for the next day. So, my ignoring Kevin on this evening, I thought was a good move. A safe move. But I was wrong, again. Kevin had come in from getting his drill out of his tool box. He proceeded to attempt to drill a hole in the wall to hang a picture and his drill bit broke. I knew when that happened I was in danger. I asked him if I could help with anything and he said "just stay out of it." So, I did. Once again, ignoring his temper tantrums. He would stomp past me, slam cabinets, cuss and kept trying to drill a hole in the wall. Once again, another drill bit broke. I was getting nervous, but in a way it was kind of entertaining that he was acting like a two year old who was not getting his way. So, I smiled and said nervously "Kevin, forget the hole and just relax. The picture will be there tomorrow." He was in my face before I knew it. He almost knocked me over when he grabbed me. He had his one arm wrapped around my entire body and was holding painfully hard. I dare not move and was holding my breath. His lips were right up against my ear and he said "You think this is funny?" I did not say a word. I could see he was still holding the drill in his other hand. Once again he said, "So, DO YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY??" I spoke and I should have not. I said "Kevin, you need to just relax and calm down. It is going to be ok." Kevin repeated what I said with clenched teeth as spit was spewing out of his mouth. "CALM DOWN! CALM DOWN! You stupid lazy bitch." "You have no idea what I go through in this school every day." "You are just a lazy, stupid, country girl and I can't stand the sight of you." Then he turned the drill on. I could feel the heat from it. I stiffened up and said in a real low, firm voice "Take your fucking hands off me asshole" I know I should have not said this. I knew he had the drill and I knew I was walking a very dangerous line. But, at this moment, I did not care. I was mad. I was mad that he always blamed me for his bad moods. To this day he continues to blame me and others for any of his demise. At that moment I knew he was going to hurt me regardless, so I said what was on my mind.
His grip tightened around me, almost like he wanted to remind me that he physically at 190# could once again over power me – all of 5’2 at 115#. He felt strong and tough being able to bully me. I knew I could not break his grip. He held the drill to my face. The drill was not running, when he whispered in my ear with a growl, "I could just take this drill and put a hole in that pretty face of yours." And then he turned the drill on. I could feel the heat and smell the motor. I remember having to change later because of the way I drenched my clothes. I KNEW HE WAS CAPABLE OF HARMING ME. He said, "Tell me you want me to drill your face, because I can if I want to." I just closed my eyes trying not to move and also not wanting to give him the satisfaction of seeing how terrified I was. Then he turned on the drill. Tears rolled down my face as he kept making the drill run fast, then slow, fast then slow. After taunting me several times, he released me and was breathing hard, as though he was excited and had a “rush” for showing me who was boss. I just wrapped my arms around my body as he walked away laughing. I could see his finger prints on my arm and I just stared at him almost waiting for him to turn around and give me an explanation; an apology…maybe he would express a “I’m sorry and I love you”. How crazy this relationship had become. How dangerous. How sad.
As I sat stunned on the floor, he returned into the house and kept glaring at me. Then he walked past me and said, for the first of many times to come “SKANK” … "Skank, I think I will take your advice and just relax. What’s for dinner?" At this point, I am thinking that he is insane. Does he not feel any remorse for holding a drill to my face and threatening to put a hole in my face! As quickly as he became insanely angry, he reverted back to calmness - all within a matter of seconds. I wanted to scream at him. I wanted to throw things at him. I WANTED TO GRAB THAT DRILL ON THE COUNTER AND SHOVE IT UP HIS ASS. I was livid. I wanted to leave. I wanted him to leave. I was still trying to absorb what had just happened in our kitchen. I was trying to comprehend how a grown man can be so hateful and treat a living being with so much hate and vulgarity. So much cruelty and meanness. So much “self-hatred” being directed at his wife. He repeated himself sarcastically as though he was irritated as to why I had not answered him; As though nothing had happened, "Cath, HELLOOOOO...Hey. Skank Whore - what is for dinner?" I snapped out of my thoughts and did the one of many things I look back on and still resent. I resent MY choice to NOT flee-I answered his question. "Pasta. We are having pasta Kevin." He said, "Okay, Skank. I am going to take your advice and relax...call me when my dinner is ready."
And then he smiled. He looked at me and smiled almost seductively. I knew what that meant for later. He would be wanting sex. Almost like having sex with me showed him that I had forgotten and forgiven his disgusting cowardly behavior. I felt sick. Once again, Kevin left the kitchen. I looked at the drill on the counter. As I picked up this still warm drill, I accidentally pressed the “ON” button. The drill screamed and shook in my hand. It startled me. I unplugged it and I started to cry quietly as I slowly returned to being seated on the floor with the unplugged drill in my hand. An unplugged drill. I looked at the drill closely. When Kevin was mad at the world he blamed me. Just like the drill when it is plugged in, it screams and shakes when you press “the button”. Then it stops when you release the button. I realized at that moment, Kevin was in control of his emotions. He was not crazy. He chose how to act, talk, react, abuse, not abuse. Kevin was in control of his “ON” and “OFF” button. Something would go wrong in "Kevin world" and I was the wall that he wanted to drill into. I did have a wall around me and he knew it. I would not leave him. And he knew it. I would “cover” for him. And he knew it. I would not call the police. And…He Knew It. He wanted to drill a hole in me with his words and his actions and his fists because he was pissed off at the world for whatever reason.
I slowly got up and put the drill back on the counter. I went to a dear friends home that was watching my children with her children while I shopped for our families at the commissary. Next trip would be hers to shop and my duty to watch the children. All I kept thinking was how thankful I was that the children were not home when their father held the drill to mommy’s face. An image that could have haunted my children for the rest of their lives. This moment was going to pass and the kids did not need to know about this insane incident. I wanted my children to love and respect their father. However, I could not protect them from the images that they were about to experience first hand. Images that are still imbedded in their memory. To this day, as I write this blog, there are incidents of abuse that I have suppressed. Some of these recalled incidents have been brought to my recollection recently by my oldest 3 children expressing what they recall of the insanity. They recall things their father did to me after he would choke me to unconsciousness. I would learn through my babies that as I lay motionless, their father would beat and violate me in their presence. The drill was just the beginning. Kevin and I were heading for damages that could never be repaired by any tool.

REST....REGROUP...RETURN...
Fear is, I believe, a most effective tool in destroying the soul of an individual - and the soul of a people” Anwar El Sadathttp://www.methodpublishing.co.uk/publications/scogs/hermitage/pages/download/lores.pdf

The abuse travels overseas........

The problem in defense is how far you can go without destroying from within what you are trying to defend from without. ~Dwight D. EisenhowerKevin had about 6 more credit hours in his Master's in Business Administration. I remember specifically that he came home from work on a Monday evening. At this point in our marriage, once again, we lived separate lives. He stayed busy with school and work, and I stayed busy with the children and volunteer work. He sat down on the couch and told me he had something he wanted to talk to me about. I was a little apprehensive because he rarely initiated a calm conversation unless he wanted something from me. So, I seated across from him and sat quiet. He seemed irritated and flustered but I knew it was not towards me. He struggled with his words and said he had a talk with his command, and there was a meeting, and he was not sure what to do...and I was confused. I said-"Kevin, just tell me what is going on." So, he looked me straight in the eyes and said that he had 24 hours to make a decision on whether he would accept an offer to deploy to England to start another Masters in Topographic Engineering. I had no idea what that was but my bigger confusion was why now??? So, I asked him a logical question-"Why would you walk away from your Business Masters with only 6 credit hours?" He got angry, which also confused me, and looked me in the eyes and firmly stated, "I am leaving with or without you and the kids, but I am moving to England, so make a decision." I just stared at him, with a loss of breath. I did not know what to say. My mind was racing. There was something wrong with all of this. I could not put my finger on it, but something was VERY wrong for Kevin's command to want him to take the assignment so quickly. I dare not ask any questions. But, I knew I had to make a decision. I could stay behind with the kids until he achieved his Masters in England, or I go with him. I was terrified to go and I was terrified to stay. I told him that I needed to think about it. With less than 24 hours now, time was running out and I was in a panic. I started staying busy around our home, trying to think logically. I weighed the pros and cons and realized that this could be my "easy way" out away from him. But I also knew that he would not let me go easily. Either way, Kevin was going. He said he had to choose, however, during a security clearance years later, I would learn the truth as to why Kevin was TOLD to move to England and change his career path.

So, Here I was once again in a circle trying to find a straight line to follow and there was none. I kept running in circles in my mind and decided I was going to stay behind with the kids. I convinced myself that it was because of the schools, and friends, and community but, you cannot lie to yourself. The main reason was that I did not want to live the life of an "abused, kept woman" anymore. I almost felt giddy that for the first time, I was going to be free.

Kevin continued to ask me throughout the evening, "Have you decided yet?" I could not bring myself to tell him my choice almost like I was waiting for just the right time knowing there was no right time. He was going to be mad and I was willing to take the beating only to be free of him for 1 year. At about 12:30 that Monday night, I told Kevin I was staying behind bracing for the anger to proceed, but it did not. Kevin started crying. He sat down and started crying really hard. I just looked at him shocked. In my compassionate spirit, I felt sorry for him. He just kept saying, "Please come with me...I don't want to go alone.' "I know I said I resented you and the kids, but I don't." "Just please come with me." He reached out to me and I looked down at his hand. I did not grab it. My mind was saying to not go, do not fall for this, do not be weak. So I told him, in a frantic voice, that it would be hard for the kids to adjust to a new school and home overseas. I told him that I would be fine and wait for him, that we will be ok. But, he would not listen. He kept crying and asked me to grab his hand. What a small gesture to grab someone’s hand. But, I knew that if I did, he would pull me towards him to break the distance between us. I knew that if he could get me close to him physically, that I would weaken emotionally and he knew that too. Kevin knew me VERY well and he used his knowledge of my strengths and weaknesses against me. I am stubborn, focused and loud, but I am also loyal, loving and compassionate. He knew that if I grabbed his hand that it would solidify my loyalty to him and I knew it to. One second, 2 seconds, 3 seconds, I just stared at his hand and closed my eyes as the tears started to fall down my face. In my mind, I knew what I was going to do and I resented ME for grabbing on once again to the man who would continue to make my life and the lives of the kids, a living hell. I reached out towards him and looked at him and said-"Kevin, you have got to stop beating me. Your hate for me is getting worse and the beatings are to. I am afraid you are going to kill me, so promise me you will stop." He kept saying over and over-"I promise never again. This is going to be a new start for all of us. I promise and I love you." Our fingers locked, and we were headed to England 3 weeks later.Rest...Regroup...Return...
This is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning.Winston Churchill

The beginning....my love for Kevin....

“A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.

”I am ready to tell my story. I have to start with the past so I can help you better understand where I am, how I am, and where I want to be today. Please walk with me on my path. I met Kevin at the University of Arkansas. Thats right-RAZORBACKS! One of my good friends mother was head cook in the cafeteria where all of us ate. She introduced Kevin and I and from there we were just friends. There was a group of us which included my identical twin, Caron and her now husband-Tom. All of us would go out to eat together, or go to clubs to listen to the newest band in town. We had lots of fun. At some point, Kevin and I started to see each other more than just friends. He was funny, charming and down to earth and I liked that. After about 3 weeks of dating, Kevin told me he loved me. I was a little stunned by this. I dated in high school, but I never told a guy I loved him. I did have a few guys tell me they loved me and even had a marriage proposal but I was very protective of my feelings and did not give away my heart that easy. I did not tell Kevin I loved him back and I sensed he was frustrated by this. But, I did start to see him in a more loving way. There was a moment when my feelings turned to love for him. He had taken me to his parents friends home one weekend. They knew each other through church and Kevin did frequent their home, so he brought me with him one Sunday. There was a daycare center in the home with a few children with disabilities. Kevin had crawled on the floor next to a little boy that was paralyzed, but the little boy could smile. Kevin would talk to him and make him giggle and laugh. Watching Kevin with this little child touched me. That evening, I told him I loved him too. It was 3 months since he told me he loved me first. I decided to bring Kevin home with me to meet my family. It was a good weekend and all went very well. I did however ask my father how he felt about Kevin. My father told me he seemed nice but to be careful. My father's exact words were this-"Be careful kid-he has a temper." I did not see what my father saw until one evening back at the university. I had alot of friends that I graduated high school with that went to U of A and other colleges close by. We would all try to get together occasionally. Kevin wanted to go out one night but I told him I was going to hang out with my high school buddies. He seemed dissapointed but I spent time with my friends anyways. We all decided to go to our local pizza place and just hung out there. I did not get home late and Kevin was waiting in my dorm room. I asked him if he was ok because he appeared very upset. He said-"you didn't tell me some of your friends were guys." I reassured him that I never dated any of them. It was just a big group of us and there was nothing to it. Kevin did not seem satisfied with that and wanted to fight about it. I tried to calm his building anger over something that was nothing, but he was not calming down so I told him to leave my dorm room. As he left, he punched the concrete wall with his right hand. I really thought he broke his wrist. When I knew he was ok, I told him to still leave and he did. I remember I went into my room and sat on my bed. Then my father's words echoed in my mind-..."be careful kid....he has a temper." I wish today I would have not made excuses for Kevin. I wish today, I would have gone with my gut feeling....I wish today, I would have walked away from the man that later became a wolf in sheeps clothing. I wish today-I was not a survivor of domestic violence, but a women that should have walked away. But, I pushed all my gut feelings aside and focused on the man that I thought I knew. The man that I knew I loved. The man that I chose to be my first love, my life-long partner and husband and father of our 4 children. My father and mother gave us such a beautiful wedding. We got married on April 11th, 1987 in my hometown-Mountain Home Arkansas. Kevin and I were so excited to begin our journey together. After the wedding, we loaded up my yellow Maverick and headed up to Long Island, New York. What a thrill, what a fear of the unknown, what excitement to be on my own with a cute guy that said he loved me like no other, and plans for a huge future. However, Long Island New York brought me accusations from Kevin's past. Kevin's parents started to reveal a family that used and continues to use "God's love and forgiveness" as an excuse for odd behavior-hurtful behavior towards each other. I started to notice a lack of physical affection in their home. I came from a home of "huggers" so it was odd that this family never touched each other. I noticed that each person in that home had their own wall around them- like they were each trying to hide something. There was arguing as every family argues-but the yelling only came from Jim as Becky would cower and rush around to try to distract Jim's anger. I heard Jim and Becky's children talk disrespectful and mean towards their mother-learned behavior from Jim. Becky would rush around trying to please everyone and I remember feeling sorry for her so I would try help her do her demanded tasks by her family. I was frustrated with Kevin and his father for treating Becky so mean. My mom and I had lots of arguments but I never treated her the way Becky was treated inside the walls of the Landers home. I noticed that Jim never really addressed his son Kevin in a loving way as Jim was always busy with work and church. Bethpage Church of Christ is where I started to learn alot more about how Jim would use his "passion for God's word" as an excuse for his hateful, unpredictable behavior. Behavior that was everything but "Christ-like." In the end, I became Becky-the woman I felt sorry for so many times, and Kevin became Jim....with the added perversion of more severe abuses.

Details on my revelations later. And so my journey continues......I have more to share and more to show. This journey will give a better understanding as to why I am here...why I have epilepsy...why I continue to move forward and why everyday is a healing day for me and my children. Rest for now...regroup......return soon......