In between trying to balance the kids and keeping Kevin happy, I felt I was slipping slowly into a state of depression. I had never really been “depressed” before. I would try in the past to fill up my time with busy work so that I would not have to listen to the crickets in my brain that chirped the loudest in the middle of the night. I would run on about 3-4 hours a sleep and when I was awake, I tried very hard to stay focused on my tasks. As other officers settled into their homes with their families, there was a support group being formed . Typically on the weekends, we would all gather at a park in our neighborhood and have a cookout. Each family brought their own food to grill and drinks and snacks and then all would share. The kids had fun playing with each other and the adults got a break from the kids and sat back talking over drinks and food. At first, I looked forward to those times with the other families. My children were able to play with all their friends and it was a good time to detach from the insanities that were happening on the inside of my home. Yes, I did put on the facade of being happy and portraying Kevin and I as the happy couple, but little did I know that people were already talking behind our backs about concerns they were having. Kevin started to display his anger more publicly with his comrades. Some made the excuse that it was the pressure of the school, but when Kevin started to bring his anger to our family get togethers, people were genuinely stating to see openly, the “Kevin” that I faced each day.
On one particular occasion, we were at a family gathering. It was the same routine of grilling out and the military families relaxing for the weekend. The evening started off fine. Kevin called me to tell me that he and some of the other officers were going to be running late so to just take the kids and go without him. The family gatherings were in our neighborhood, so there was no driving or worry if the kids had to go to bed or potty. I went and like me, other wives were waiting for their husbands to come home. It was around 9pm and we were all having a good time. Kevin arrived and cordially said hello to everyone and then walked up to me and said “we are leaving now.” I could tell he was in a really bad mood and more than likely he got a bad grade on an exam he had that day. I thought to myself that I was not going to let him bring it out on me again. I said, “Kevin, the kids are having fun and so am I and I don’t want to go home.” He got closer to me and said, “You are going to gather up the kids and you are going home with me.” I looked at him straight in the eyes, and said, “NO!” At that moment, he knew I was standing firm and he was going to have to drag me home or leave without me. I held my breath and at that moment knew that everyone was watching us-including the kids. Kevin zoned into the others watching as well and he squared his shoulders and said goodnight to everyone and walked away. I was so relieved that he did not cause a scene. I watched him turn the corner and although I had aniexity about going home later, for that moment, I was ok and so were the kids…but it was only for a moment. As a matter of fact, it was minutes before I saw the silhouette of Kevin turning the corner. I could not see his face, but I could read his body language and he was furious. I remember I was holding Justin as he was starting to fall asleep in my arms. I stepped back and held my breath. He started telling the kids to get their bikes and jackets because he was taking them home. His exact words stung and for the first time-Kevin made a total ass out of himself in front of others. It turned out to be a blessing later but at that moment-I was mortified for him, me and our kids. He said, “You kids are coming home with me because it is late and your mother does not care about you.” ‘All she cares about is herself and getting drunk with her friends.” Kevin and I had never been big party-people. We rarely had alcohol in the house and England did center their gatherings on food and booze. I did drink more in England-we all did, so those words did not hurt me as much as Kevin saying I was a bad mother. So, Kevin starting grabbing 'A" and "M" by the hands. The kids starting crying knowing where Kevin’s anger usually led-it led to “Daddy” abusing “Mommy.”. I just stood there. I did not know what to do. Kevin jr. said, “But mommy said we can stay, but Mommy said we can stay.” Even at Kevin jr’s young age, it was his way to try to protect his mommy. Kevin sr. response was, “Don’t listen to her. She is just a drunk that does not care about you.” Hence, from that point on, that is what Kevin always called me. “A drunk and a neglectful mother that does not care about her kids.” He used these words because he knew they hurt me very deeply and that is what he wanted and still wants.
So, back to this moment. I froze in place as Kevin approached me and tried to grab Justin. I looked at him and said, “He is asleep and I will bring him home.” Kevin just grabbed "J" anyways and he woke up crying. Kevin started to walk away with the kids crying in tow. I could hear everyone breathing around me but I kept watching Kevin walk away. Then he turned and looked at me and said “well, are you coming?” It was like he just expected me to follow him because he had the children. He took the kids away from me and he thought I would follow his command of going home with him. The same tactic he tried to use in our divorce, but I will blog about that later.
I could not see Kevin’s face because of the street light behind him, but I could hear the kids whimpering, and Justin starting to cry and I was confused. He jolted me out of my silence and said, “Well, what the hell are you going to do?” I said, ‘I am staying right here.” His body language said it all. The stomp of his feet, the way he walked swiftly telling the older children to keep up and then I could see him look back in my direction one more time and I knew that if I went home right at that moment, I may not be sitting here typing on this computer. His rage for me was deep and I did fear walking into the darkness of our home while he waited for me. I slowly turned and looked at everyone. I was embarrassed, I was afraid, I was confused, and I did not know what to do except cry. I just turned and started walking towards the playground to try to get away from the crowd. I did not want them to see me cry. My friend Sue intercepted me and we went to her home. She tried to ask me about what just happened, but I asked her to not ask me. I just wanted to sit and gather my thoughts for a moment. She respected my request and we sat in silence. Because of Kevin’s behavior, the party was over and families had gone to their homes for the evening. I felt bad that Kevin’s behavior ruined the evening for everyone but I still could not believe that he showed his true colors towards me in public. For the first time, people saw what I would have to explain to people who did not see. I was not sure if Kevin’ public display was a good thing or a bad thing but I did know this one thing. He was going to blame me and make sure that I pay for his temper tantrum.
There was a knock on Sue’s door and I knew it was Kevin. Sue told Kevin that he needed to go back home and take care of the kids but Kevin kept saying-I want to talk to Cathie. He would not leave, so I went to the door. Kevin said with gritted teeth, “Come home now!” In my mind, I kept thinking, why is he so animate about me going home. The more he tried to bully me home, the more I feared going home. I just told him that I would be home later and to just go to bed. Kevin grabbed my arm faster than I could pull away and his grip tightened. He was twisting my skin and my skin turned red and was on fire. I thought that because Sue was watching that I could get him calm so I said, “Kevin, you are hurting me…just go home.” He tried to wrestle me out the door and then Sue’s husband Pier walked through the back door and grabbed my other arm and told Kevin to let me go. Kevin released me. Kevin backed away and said to me, “BITCH” “Don’t ever come back home then.” Pier closed the door. I slowly walked over to the couch and sat down. I just looked at my hands and for that moment I felt alone. VERY alone. I had no one. No family to go to, no children to hold on to, no money, and no home….I was alone in a foreign country and I was alone in a foreign marriage and I was alone inside a foreign Cathie. A foreign Cathie…..my body and mind were not connected anymore. I was living in two separate pieces on a map and all the paths looked the same. I was lost in a foreign country but it was not England…it was my soul. I was lost not on foreign soil but inside a foreign soul.
I hardly knew Pier and Sue nor did I want to share all of my life and secrets I was holding close to me. I asked them if they would walk me home. They did and as I went to open the front door-it was locked. I knew the children were asleep and I knew Kevin was awake because I saw him moving around. I knocked quietly and Kevin did not answer. I knocked again-no answer. I started to feel the emotion boil up inside me. The hurt and message he was sending to me was clear. It was not my home. It was his home as he commanded it. I hesitated on ringing the bell as to not wake the kids, so I knocked again and Kevin spoke. Through a window-“get the fuck away you stupid, skanky bitch.” I looked and Pier and Pier knocked and called Kevin’s name. I am not sure if Kevin knew Pier and Sue were with me but Kevin did open the front door. Pier asked if I was going to be ok and I almost choked on my words. I said, “Yes” and I proceeded to enter the house. Pier told Kevin to go to bed and maybe things will be better tomorrow. Kevin agreed and the door closed. I stood in a corner by the door and Kevin started to walk upstairs and then he turned and looked at me like he wanted me to follow. I did not look at him but I did say”I think I am going to sleep on the couch.” As Kevin walked up the stairs he mumbled “stupid bitch” I just put my arms around my waist. I was frozen in time and place. Almost like I was dreaming because everything had happened so fast. So much emotion and anger and then in a instance-gone. Kevin was a light switch-on and off..off then on. My mind could not work like that. I will still trying to catch my breath from the recent incident and asking myself…..what is real and what is not? I grabbed a blanket and lied on the couch and just stared in the dark. I heard Piers words…”go to sleep and everything will be better tomorrow.” Tomorrow…today…yesterday?? Which one would be better? I will still trying to overcome the yesterdays and now the today’s and I had to consider tomorrow? I grew up with a slogan that later I stated to resent, “don’t live in the past.” Don’t live in the past?? I could not even make sense of my daily routines with Kevin’s erratic behavior and I was still trying to figure out how to make our life better from the past words, abuses and hate. Going to sleep was going to make everything better? The one thing I feared with Kevin Landers was the tomorrows because I never knew who or what he was going to be. For the first time in my mind lying there in the dark, I hoped my sleep would be so deep that I would not have to face Kevin in our tomorrows. I was starting to fear my feelings towards myself. I was tired…..just so soulfully tired and I did not want to wake up. I never have quit at anything in my life unless I chose to and at that moment, in that cold dark living room in a home that did not feel like mine, I was quitting Catherine.Rest….Regroup..Return
"All this time, I can't believe I couldn't see
Kept in the dark but you were there in front of me
I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems
Got to open my eyes to everything
Without thought, without voice, without a soul
Don't let me die here
There must be something more
Bring me to life"~
Evanescence
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