Col Kevin P Landers diagnosis revealed

After returning my 8 and 10 year old children to their father in NC, I returned to GA with my 14 year old son.  I was exhausted. I could not believe the hate and actions I had endured at the lies of Kevin Landers, Sr. He acted self righteous; acted like a father who cared about his children when in fact all he cared about was the control he had over me by taking away my babies. I can honestly say that one of the many reasons why I admire John is because he never tried to manipulate his children against Kelly. Nathan was old enough (15 yrs) to choose who he wanted to be with just like my oldest son, K. However, John believed that the children should be with their mother even through a divorce. John had cause to use his children as a tool to manipulate his 5 children to hate their mother-but he never did nor has he to this day.  John is a man of grace and integrity. A man that respects children, women and mothers.  All who know him know this to be true. Some may look at John’s current situation and point fingers at him as the “dead-beat father.”  But, this is not true. His story involves the judge being dismissed from the bench; Class action lawsuit in GA; false police reports filed by the children’s mother; Etc. etc. etc. I will write about this in future blogs.

Kevin, on the other hand used our children as tools without considering their feelings. Kevin tried to claim that our children were better off with him because he could better financially, emotionally and religiously support them. But this was all a ploy that later was a proven lie. Kevin did financially support our children as long as they were WITHIN his household.  I would call to speak to my children and Kevin would refuse and then taunt me, curse me and say to hold while he got the kids for me. I could hear him talking to them and them asking “is that mommy?” and he would tell them “No” as I sat hopelessly on the other end of the phone. This would infuriate me and I would cry and beg to talk to my kids and Kevin would record me at this state after he taunted me and would play the recordings back to my children and family and claim that I was drunk and angry and unstable…a practice that continued through 2008. In 2008 when I stopped calling, Kevin would call and sit quietly until I answered. Once John started answering the calls Kevin ceased his “prank calls”.  While I was in GA with my oldest son and the 3 youngest children with their father in NC, I had no other place to go and the only people willing to help me and my son were in GA. I was working part time and trying to make ends meet, but between my financial and emotional state things were very tough. I could not afford to drive the 6 hours to NC to see Megan, Amanda and Justin nor could I afford a hotel to stay while I had visitation.  Kevin knew this and it was all in his plan to try to convince the court system that “I was” the deadbeat mother. I could not afford an attorney and when I looked into the option of a court appointed attorney it was clear that to qualify I would have to live within the county (a stipulation that might could have been adjusted once I had an attorney to argue I qualified for a court appoint) the system in NC was not fair “hire an attorney to show I couldn’t afford an attorney”?   Kevin had his military pay, military medical benefits, a home, and a “live in Nanny” who we all know was his live in girlfriend, Melody Wilson Landers (she had moved in with Kevin within 3 weeks of his return from Iraq?). So it was me and my oldest son Kevin just trying to make it in GA.  John was still traveling with his company and by this point Nathan was living with John per his mother’s hateful behavior towards Nathan. Needless to say, John was dealing with his own battles financially and emotionally.  We were starting to spend more time together and started seeing each other more and more as we could. Our “love interest” was beginning in the midst of this storm. For the first time since I met John in 1986, I “saw” him.  I could tell that K was very sad and angry and I could not blame him. Everything was falling apart and Kevin, Sr. was still playing games using the 3 younger children. K would try to call them and he was refused contact by his father. I knew that the children were living in an environment of severe control and manipulation. Kevin’s goal was to try to isolate them from me because he knew that this would rip my heart out. He did not care about the children or their feelings. He did not care that he was slowly breaking down their self-worth or trust in any adult. He did not care that he was emotionally harming the kids by telling them that “Mommy doesn’t love you anymore. I am the only one who loves you now.” My suspicions of Kevin’s behavior was confirmed when I started talking to his now wife Melody back in Oct. 2006. As I have stated before, Melody called me out of the blue. I hesitated to talk to her, but the need to have some information about my children was so strong so she shared many things with me about Kevin’s behavior towards the children. She told me that Kevin had thrown away any remnants of me as their mother. Thrown away the pictures, the letters, my clothes, my personal items, my life; All thrown away. Melody told me (a story later confirmed by Amanda in 2009 and then Megan in 2011) that one evening Kevin had lined the kids up on the sofa and was pacing back and forth yelling at them “YOU are not allowed to speak your mother’s name in this house. As far as you are concerned she is dead. She has chosen to live her life f@#King other men”. Kevin went to the schools and spread lies about me telling teachers that I was unstable and if I ever showed up to their schools to call the police because of my instabilities.  Just to let all of my readers know, there has never been a restraining order granted that forbade me to have contact with my children-EVER! Kevin continues to hold to this lie.

Kevin continued his campaign against me in front of the children. Melody told me that at family gatherings, Jim, Becky and Kelly would degrade and berate me and John to all nine children. Let me stress that Brain and Suzie had no part in this. Kevin monitored every phone call the children made and internet chat to ensure that they were not trying to contact me. The children were not allowed to have contact with my family. The children were not allowed to have sleepovers or go to sleepovers for a long time because Kevin feared that one of the kids may try to call me. According to Melody, Kevin threatened the children that if he found out that one of them tried to contact me, there would be severe consequences. Now, here are children (ages 8yrs, 10yrs and 12yrs) that watched their father beat me in front of them. The kids were terrified of him and that is exactly what their father wanted. He thrived on controlling women and children by fear. Because no one truly respects Kevin, the only way he could gain control over me and the kids was by physical and emotional intimidation.  Kevin’s plan to alienate me from the children started to work in his favor. As the clocked ticked from weeks, into months, and then years, Kevin’s story started to become creditable-or so it seemed. Can you imagine the emotional toil this was taking on our kids? Kevin can say that the children suffered because of our divorce and my absence and he hides behind these excuses even today.  But, if you look at all of the dynamics of the hateful games he played to try to control me, the emotional damage he has caused our children by his actions are far worse. He states he was protecting the children. Let me ask my readers, was he protecting the children from me or was he protecting himself by silencing our children?  It is very clear. Kevin wanted to hold the children as close to him as he could by the use of fear. Fear that one day, when the children felt strong enough, they may expose his behavior and confirm my allegations.  Kevin’s game is to manipulate the children into hating me and then maybe they would not speak about the abuse. He still does not deny striking me, he just says that the abuse was not that bad and me leaving him was not because of the arguing but because I fell in love with John. Our 3 oldest children that I have been in contact with have confirmed their father’s abuse and believe that had I stayed with their father, he would have killed me.  I want to stress to all my readers I NEVER LEFT MY CHILDREN. When I separated from their father, 3 of the 4 children chose to be with me (the 4^th child soon chose to be with me as well). So, all 4 children knew they wanted to be with me because of their father’s anger and evil. They were stolen from me and held hostage by their father. I unfortunately did not have the money I needed to set them free. In other words, I could not buy my children’s freedom from the courts and Kevin was able to pay to keep the kids in a square box. That box has a label on it, “Fragile Souls Inside”

US Army LTC. Kevin Paul Landers, Sr. exhibited behavior during our separation and continues this behavior to this very moment. His behavior has not changed. He has not changed.  His behavior has a diagnosis.  It is called Parentectomy.  A counselor of many years shared with me several articles and stories that were so similar to mine. Most of the time, it is the mother who tries to alienate the children from their father, but in ALL of the cases where it is the father that pursues this hateful act, the father was ALWAYS abusive to the mother.  Please read this article for further information on his psychological torture of our four children.

LTC. Kevin Paul Landers Sr. diagnosis

Now let’s continue.  I have established that I am running out of options. I moved out of David Reeves basement and gave away all the furniture I owned to an origination that was gathering household items for Katrina victims. I was determined that David Reeves was not going to benefit from my furniture or household goods that I would have had to leave with him. I needed to move out ASAP and the organization was more than happy to come to the basement apartment and move every piece of furniture I had. Until I could find a place to live, I stayed with a very dear friend Steve Cummins.  John had left town and KJ and I were pretty much on our own. Out of the blue, I got an email from my twin sister Caron Ryan. (I will write in my next entry about my experience with my sister and her husband.) Caron offered for me and KJ to stay with her until I got on my feet. I was relieved.  Although it was kind of Steve to open his home to K and I, he had a family of his own to care for and I was ready to move forward. K and I caught an Amtrak train to New Jersey. Both of us were tired and remained quiet most of the trip. I felt sad for my son K. He had been through a lot and I hoped this move would be a good one for both of us. If any of you have ever suffered from insomnia, you understand the physical toile it takes. But mine was more than insomnia.  My body was tired yes, but my mind would not let me sleep. I was in a daze. A couple of times, K would ask me a question and I did not hear him. I just stared into space but saw nothing. My mind kept rewinding over and over again everything that had happened….all the words, the hate, the tears, the torture. I turned and just stared out the window through my reflection watching things whiz by…I looked horrible. I had dark circles under my eyes, my hair was greasy, my face was thin and my eyes looked hollow. I had not looked in a mirror at myself in days. I didn’t even recognize who I was anymore. I almost started to cry but held in my tears for the sake of my son.  So I just kept looking at myself and saw nothing but an eternal, deep, heart-wrenching sadness. I could not cry anymore. I could not smile. I could not be angry. I just moved my body when I had to and when I wasn’t moving, I was just stared at complete nothingness.

"We see everything through a glass, darkly. Sometimes we can peer through the glass and catch a glimpse of what is on the other side. If we were to polish the glass clean, we'd see much more. But then we would no longer see ourselves.”

Rest…Regroup..Return

Protect the children..at any cost..

It was the night of December 26th, 2004 that made me realize that I had to do something about my marriage with Kevin.
Kevin and I had gotten into a fight in his downstairs office at our Hammersley Road Fayetteville NC home. He was in a foul mood and wanting to argue. Our kids were upstairs and I tried to keep the argument quiet. Kevin started screaming at me and pushed me hard. I almost fell, but held my ground as I approached him. I yelled, “Don’t touch me you asshole!” My 14 year old son- came running down the stairs and postured himself in his dad's office. He screamed at his father, “Don’t touch her! Leave her alone!” I turned and looked stunned in my son’s direction. He was typically shy and did not say much. He feared his father and cowered most of the time when Kevin Sr. entered the room. Kevin Sr. was mean to his son. K.J. is a quiet, soft spoken soul. He does not initiate confrontation and definitely thinks before he speaks. His father would view him as “weak.” Sometimes, when "K" father helped him with homework, he would bring "K". to tears with his degrading words. His father would tell me how he did not want K.J. to be "dorky" like he was at Hicksville, NY High School. I felt sorry for my son, but dare not interrupt his father. Kevin Sr. despised his son and believed boys should be hard, muscular, and intimidating. Everything that Kevin, Sr. never was. "K" was none of those things and his father hated it. So, when our son "K" came into the office with fists clenched, both Kevin Sr. and I were shocked. I could see the look on my son’s face. It was a face full of fear, sadness and anger. He was there to protect his mom and he knew by taking that stance, there was going to be consequences. Kevin Sr. turned slowly to his son and said with clenched teeth, “What did you just say to me?” His voice was slow and evil sounding. Spit was coming out of his mouth as he pushed every word out of his clenched teeth. "K" said “fuck you” and ran up the stairs to his bedroom. His father chased him up the stairs and I started screaming, “Leave him alone..Leave him alone…Don’t hurt him…don’t hurt him!” Our son was able to lock his bedroom door and Kevin pounded on the other side saying, “You think you’re tough? You think you’re tough? Open the door you son of a bitch! I’ll show you tough. NO ONE speaks to me like that in this house!” I kept pleading with Kevin Sr. “Please just calm down. Please don't hurt him!” Kevin Sr. did not hear me. His mission was to punish his son for defending his mom. This was not about my sons choice of words. It was about a boy who viewed his mom as a woman that did not deserve the hits, being thrown across rooms, thrown down stairs and the numerous punches his father had inflicted to the back of my head and body. For the first time in my marriage, I feared for the physical safety of one of my kids. If Kevin Sr. got through that door, he was going to hurt our son and I could not let that happen. I could hear our son crying and pleading with me to stop his dad. Suddenly I blocked out all noise. I heard nothing. All I saw was Kevin Sr. pounding on the door as I turned to my left and looked into Megan's bedroom. Both of the girl's were on a bed crying and everything started to move slowly. I became methodical in my thoughts even though everything around me was happening so fast. I saw a red wooden bat in the corner of the frils room and I thought, if Kevin gets through that door, I am going to grab the bat and then? Then, I would do what ever I needed to do to protect my children. I screamed as loud as I could, “If you touch any of them, I will kill you!” Kevin snapped back to look at me. I am not sure what he saw on my face, but he backed away from the door. He was out of breath and then he got a hold of himself. I could still hear the children whimpering in their rooms as Kevin casually walked passed me and as he did, he shoulder-shucked my body and I slammed into the wall. His "shuck" knocked the breath out of me. Kevin stood at the top of the stairs and screamed at me and our children, "All of you just leave me alone!!" I caught my breath and went to "K" bedroom door. I told him that his dad was gone and it was safe to open the door. I walked in "K" room, and "J", my 8 year old, crawled out from under his bed and K.J. just stared at me. I did not have words. I just stood there. The girls joined us in their brother’s room as we all just sat in silence in our own thoughts.
Just for a moment we all froze and tried to understand the WHY? I took a long time tucking the kids into bed that night. The children cried and I hugged, but not too many words. I then went to my own bed and locked the door. I knew Kevin would not come to bed. I laid there and for the first time that evening I cried. Images ran through my mind. I thought about how the evening could have ended up. The “what if’s” started to haunt my mind. What if Kevin did break down the door? What if he did hurt my children? What if I did grab the bat? What would have happened? It was total insanity and it had gone too far. I could take the verbal and physical blows but I could not allow the physical abuse to happen to my kids.

It was time to verbalize my thoughts for the first time and make changes. I reassured myself that Kevin would be deploying soon and I could start making a plan, but I was terrified. As I went to lie over on my side, a pain shot through my shoulder. The bruise from being shucked into the wall was starting to throb. Of course after 17 years of severe beatings, this bruise was “mild” in comparison to the others. I fell into a deep sleep but my dreams were haunting and my sleep was disturbed. It was time to take a stance but I had no direction. Would I head to the North, stay in the South, return east or venture West? I did not know. I just knew I wanted to go a direction of FRREDOM- FREE from his abuses to my body; FREE from his abuses to my mind; FREE from his abuses to my spirit; AND FREE from his abuses to my CHILDREN. The children were recognizing dad’s behavior as normal.

The next day, Kevin was gone. I don’t remember where he went or why, but he left. The kids and I tried to get back on track by organizing their new Christmas gifts. Please recall, I was still talking to John at this point. I shared nothing with him about my abuses up to this point. I had told
John that my marriage had challenges "like everyone else". But it was much more than just “like everyone else”. I was too embarrassed at this point to reveal ALL my abuse secrets with anyone. Especially not with the man that I respected. Not the man that Kevin had referred to as "someone I want to be like". Kevin shared with his sister Kelly how happy he was that she had ended up marrying a wonderful man. Kevin had often joked with me how he had no idea how anyone-much less John- could tolerate his sister's behavior. John was not and is not perfect. But he was admired by me and my husband. Admired for his role as husband; as father; as provider. Everyone respected John. Kevin's family often told Kelly, "Stop being like you are or 'he will leave you". Our family had already planned a trip to Georgia to exchange gifts with Kevin’s family. I
was hesitant, but our kids were looking forward to seeing their cousins and grandparents. So I kept my head up. We did celebrate Christmas with Kevin’s parents and spent a day with Kevin’s sister Kelly and her husband John. Kevin’s brother Brian and his wife Suzie joined us along with ALL 11 children from the family. It really was a good visit. I had my “winter wear” on early in the day but as the GA weather warmed, I found myself in a sleeveless top, blue jeans and shooting hoops with Brian, Kelly, John and Kevin’s dad. Typical of John, he inquired about a bruise that I had on my arm (deltoid for you who know). I just looked at him and in my mind I went back in time to that moment when Kevin shoulder-shucked me into the wall. I answered “Nothing! Just
nothing!” But, I could tell by the look on John’s face that he and others did not believe me. Then I walked away from the basketball game and checked on the kids. I became very distant from everyone. My body was present but my mind was reeling. I tried to laugh and have fun with everyone else, but I was pretending just like I had for all these years. I became the great pretender.

All this time had passed and I knew it was over for Kevin and I. Heck-it had been over for years. He and I both knew that we did not like each other anymore. I tried…Lord knows I tried really hard to make him happy. But I learned that no one can be happy unless they choose to love
their self; Unless they grow to not hate themselves. It was not my fault anymore. But the pain of
our failing marriage was deep and my plan to not show my tears on the outside was failing. I felt so alone even though I was in a room full of Kevin’s family. I was still lonely in my own hell and I was terrified to break free. I knew Kevin would make it very difficult for me. I believed him when he told me, "If you ever leave me, I will make your life a living hell." I would be alone. I was already alone. I had been ALONE for years.

Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible
poverty. - Mother Teresa

Kevin was good on his word to make my freedom from him a battle that tortured more than just me. It tortured our children and we all have scars from this plight. I NEVER thought my divorce from Kevin would be a torturous battle between two people that did not like each other anymore. I learned later that in his mind, I was his property and I was not allowed to leave unless he said I could. So, I will go into more detail on what happened when Kevin did deploy. I had no idea that his beatings were literally killing my brain. As unpopular as it was, I saved my own life by leaving a man that refused to change. I must share my story in order to give others HOPE. A life
with no hope is dead. This HOPE is why I am writing this blog right now.

“You must constantly ask yourself these questions: Who am I around? What are they doing to me? What have they got me reading? What have they got me saying? Where do they have me going? What do they have me thinking? And most important, what do they have me becoming?
Then ask yourself the big question: Is that okay? Your life does not get better by chance, it gets better by change.” Jim Rohn

rest...regroup...return

planned exodus....

After our 4 ½ year station at Fort Belvoir Virginia, Kevin had to go to Staff College in Fort Leavenworth, Kansas. It was only a 12 month assignment at Leavenworth, and the children and I were very sad to leave our safe haven at Belvoir. Saying goodbye to all of our friends was very difficult knowing that things would change once Kevin was going to be home more often. But, we became resilient to change and we were on the move again.
Living in Kansas was no different than any other place. It was the same behavior with Kevin. The pushes, punches, shoulder chucks and degrading words were constant but overall, in our sick world, it was calmer than the past. Kevin was once again busy with Staff College and I immersed myself into the kid’s schools and college.
I took on helping children read and write, and was asked to "quietly" be a substitute teacher in the school system. I volunteered as a P.E. teacher and loved every moment of it.
However, I would lie in bed and do constant evaluations of myself and my life and I came to this conclusion. I realized that I tried to hold on to any fragment of a positive thing in my life - My children, my goals, my friends, and my family. I would convince myself that with all those things, I was going to be ok no matter what Kevin did to me. I lied to myself all the time. Being degraded and abused destroys the confidence of a human being. Even a self determined mother of 4 trying to be strong. I held onto to this “determination mindset” because I wanted to convince myself that one day everything was going to be ok. It was my weakness to hold onto to a “mindset” that was a lie. Kevin methodically used that weakness against me and today I see the game, but I did not realize “his” rules until I was “forced” to leave my life…our life, our divorce, and the children became the pawns of their father.
“I overcame the abuses of my husband. With time, my wounds have scabbed and left scars.
But, for him use our 8 and 14 year olds sons; our 10 and 12 year old daughters to speak lies and deception because “if you say this, mommy will come home” are wounds that my children express to this day and pain they will endure forever.
Kevin, the father, used fear and manipulation against his own children. They witnessed lies and deception achieving what “Daddy wanted.” To this day they continue to struggle with this means to the end” Catherine Landers
When we moved from Kansas in route to Fort Bragg, NC Kevin decided he would retire after this assignment and we would move to Tennessee, buy land, and build a huge cabin home there in the middle of our Landscape Nursery “Cullen Nursery”. His plan was to use his retirement and medical benefits to “run the business” and I would have my teaching degree to help “float” the household during the “start-up years”.
I agreed with him with a verbal lie, knowing that I was going to leave him once I obtained my teaching degree. I would nod at him…but my mind and body could not wait to leave him. I knew that he would have a real struggle making it in the Landscaping business without my emotional “stand by your man” support. His possible failure delighted me. I was sick of supporting him then lying to cover his ungodly perverted behavior. He had degraded me, hurt me, bullied me, beaten me, sexually assaulted me and left me to this day with medical brain damage. I wanted and want him to fail. I was faithful to him and loved him and wanted him to be a great man once upon a time. I longed for him to be a good husband and father. When no one else stood by him-I did. When his family thought it was crazy for a Christian Church of Christ boy from Hicksville NY to join the military - I stood by him. I followed him with our 4 children in tow all around the world. I stood by him when he would give speeches at each promotion and his parents standing there. He would give his formal speech to thank his comrades, but as soon as he looked at me, he started to cry. He could not even say the words-“My Wife”. Was he feeling guilty or was it his defense mechanism? I still wonder. But either way- I wanted him to believe that I was STILL the supporting wife. But I could not stand him anymore and I was going to use him to get what I needed for me and the kids freedom. I was going to break a cycle that I helped enable because I knew that Kevin Landers would NEVER take ownership of his actions. HE HAS NOT CHANGED TO THIS VERY DAY.
He had learned very well from his parents the art of deception and lying to make a picture look better on the outside. Others would joke how his childhood family was the “Brady Bunch”. But behind the scenes as a spouse you are told stories of a non-affectionate father who treated the “church” with more regard and kindness than had been shown to his own mother. How his father was a hot headed spouse that degraded Kevin’s mother. How his mother always insulted others less fortunate. How his sister was one of the most selfish inconsiderate women he knew. In all fairness, I would like it known that Kevin has a younger brother that appears to have escaped the generational insanity. Brian appears to be a good husband; is a good father and I think he and his wife are great people.
The lies told before, during and after the divorce are horrific. With the exception of Brian, the Landers family continues to lie to protect their “Brady” image. Their accounts of events can be proven to be lies-but I will go into the deception by ALL of them later. As for me, I learned to stand by your man no matter what the abuse is because one day it may get better. My family lives by the “Don’t live in the past” quote and everyday in my marriage to Kevin, I tried real hard to not live in the past. But I would ask myself, “why is my hair falling out”; “why does my jaw hurt”; “why is my body sore”; “how am I going to explain my children clinging to me because the day prior their daddy drags mommy by the feet up-and-down the stairs until mommy passes out”. I never thought that I would have to convince my family of my abuses. However, I learned the harsh lesson of “love ALL unconditionally” even if the condition will most likely lead to your death. I did not know that my mother, father and siblings meant that they would believe Kevin over me with their “unconditional love.” He played them very well. I never thought that my loyalty to “my husband’ could be used against me when I decided to leave him. I will address my family’s abandonment of me in more detail later.
As where it stands in this entry of my blog-we are headed to Fayetteville, NC. Things went into a big spiral once I came to the realization that my family would not stand by me. My master plan to walk away from this horrible man turned against me and he had my mother, my father and my siblings as his closest allies. The lies needed an audience, and my family gave him a full house to perform to. I wanted out of the marriage but I was holding strong. What expedited my move? One evening after Christmas in December, before Kevin’s January 10, 2005 deployment, Kevin tried to attack our 14 year old son. That moment was the turning point in every methodical plan that I had developed in order to walk away and be free. Stay with me on this and you will understand every question that your mind asks you about my kids, about my divorce, about my relationship with John Baker and why I am where I am today.
“Long term domestic violence: Being abused in this manner is like being kidnapped and tortured for ransom but you will never have enough to pay off the kidnapper.” Rebecca J. Burns …The Last Staw
http://thelaststraw.wordpress.com/
REST…REGROUP…RETURN

Temporary peace at Fort Belvior, Va.......

After all the insanities I endured with Kevin up to this point, I knew in my heart that our marriage was over. Outwardly, I played the "good, respectable officers wife" so no one knew the torment my heart had endured over Kevin. Inside, our marriage was a false entity and my soul started to become lost over a man that really did not love me. He wanted to claim me as his prize but one cannot put a living soul in a box without that soul wanting to eventually break free.

Nothing else was mentioned for a several months about what happened with swingers and we got the news that there was a house available for us on post. I was relived to get out of the city of Woodbridge and move to Fort Belvoir. I was always conscience that I may run into that couple at a store so moving was a relief to me. Once we moved on post, Kevin changed jobs and he told me he would have to travel ALOT and I was relived with that as well. The neighborhood we lived at, Roswell Village was filled with wonderful families and the children once again adjusted to their new home.
I voiced to Kevin that since he would be traveling quite often that I would like to finish my college education on post at Troy University. I had given up my education pursuits when Kevin and I got married, and then we started a family and I was grateful to have the job as a stay-at-home mom, but I longed for my degree in elementary education. I told Kevin it would give me something to do while the children were in school and then we could use my teaching job as an added income when he retired. I lied to Kevin. I really wanted to get my degree so I would have the means to take care of myself and my kids WHEN I decided to leave him one day. I knew that if I included him and made him feel that he was “allowing” me to pursue something for “HIS” future, then he would not mind my pursuit in my education. In all of our insanities in our marriage, I was learning real fast how Kevin’s mind worked, and I was now in control of me without him having a clue what was going on in my mind. I was going to leave him. I just needed to be smart about it. He had used me and abused me for too long, He did teach me one thing in our marriage-I was using him to get what I wanted. I was silently in a methodical control of my actions and thoughts and became the master of Kevin not being able to read my face.
So, I started my college education and I was on an emotional high. Kevin traveled all around the world and honestly I could care less what he did on his travels or what he lied about. If you ask any of my children where their favorite place to live was? It was at Fort Belvoir, Va. Isn’t it ironic that their father was never home? My confidence and self-esteem sky-rocketed again and I knew that I was going to break free of this man one day. I was going to stand on my own rules, my own morals, and I would eventually heal my soul. Little did I know until a few years later when I lost everything dear to me, the only healing of my soul is through my faith in God and up to this point in my life, God was a second thought. My how humble I have become to think I could control my emotions and the depths of my soul without clinging to a higher power.

"I have held many things in my hands, and I have lost them all; but whatever I have placed in God's hands that I still possess." Martin Luther

I will share with you in more depth where I am today and why I am today, but for now, lets go back to Fort Belvoir.

With Kevin traveling, I knew I did not have to have to walk on egg shells and neither did the children. Life was so great and I was the busiest I had ever been and I kept feeding my mind and self-esteem. I was still taking college classes, still training people in the gym, and still volunteering at the schools and community. My Cup Runneth Over(Psalm23:5) and I had created the best environment I could for me and the children. I was not living in the shadow of Kevin anymore. I was recreating myself (sounds familiar?) and my world was happy but happiness does not last long in an abusive relationship. Especially when the abuser starts to feel like he is losing control of his environment.

Kevin would come home occasionally and for a couple of days, the “happy” environment latest briefly, but then the mood changed because Kevin started with his pouting, stomping, eye rolls which eventually turned into, yelling at me, the kids and then the physical pushing, hitting, slapping. Kevin would insult my study habits and would tell me that he was not going to pay for me to fail. He would try to sabotage my efforts to study, work, and volunteer. He would insult my housekeeping, my looks, my being- but inside I kept telling myself to hold strong because I REFUSED to allow him to crush the happy world I had created on my outsides and my insides. Kevin started to sense my independence because he would tell me that if I ever left him that he would make sure my life was a living hell. He would tell me that if it was not for him, I would not be getting an education and I should be thankful for him “allowing” me to go to school. He would tell me that if I even thought about leaving him that he would take away the 4 things I loved the most-my kids-and ensured that I would get no money from him at all. That I would be living on the streets and could become a hooker to survive. Little did I know how much he truly meant those words as I secretly held onto my dream to be free of him one day. I actually laughed at him in my mind every time he threatened me, but I started to become afraid that he was beginning to read my thoughts of freedom from him.

I read a quote once that said-“The secret of happiness is freedom. The secret of freedom is courage” I never knew how much courage I was going to have dig from inside of me to not let Kevin follow through with his threats. Because to me they were just threats. He is a bully and I was use to his words and actions of evil in our marriage. I was truly not prepared for the evil I would have to endure in our divorce. I am anxious to tell all of you details of what really happened after we moved to Fayetteville, NC. It became a horrible, mean, evil circus and I was the clown with the big, blue tear painted on my cheek.




"Don't you love farce?
My fault, I fear
I thought that you want what I want
Sorry, my dear
But where are the clowns?
Quick, send in the clowns
Don't bother
They're here."


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5os4NFeKFFs






REST...REGROUP...RETURN

I became a foreign soul on foreign soil.....

In between trying to balance the kids and keeping Kevin happy, I felt I was slipping slowly into a state of depression. I had never really been “depressed” before. I would try in the past to fill up my time with busy work so that I would not have to listen to the crickets in my brain that chirped the loudest in the middle of the night. I would run on about 3-4 hours a sleep and when I was awake, I tried very hard to stay focused on my tasks. As other officers settled into their homes with their families, there was a support group being formed . Typically on the weekends, we would all gather at a park in our neighborhood and have a cookout. Each family brought their own food to grill and drinks and snacks and then all would share. The kids had fun playing with each other and the adults got a break from the kids and sat back talking over drinks and food. At first, I looked forward to those times with the other families. My children were able to play with all their friends and it was a good time to detach from the insanities that were happening on the inside of my home. Yes, I did put on the facade of being happy and portraying Kevin and I as the happy couple, but little did I know that people were already talking behind our backs about concerns they were having. Kevin started to display his anger more publicly with his comrades. Some made the excuse that it was the pressure of the school, but when Kevin started to bring his anger to our family get togethers, people were genuinely stating to see openly, the “Kevin” that I faced each day.

On one particular occasion, we were at a family gathering. It was the same routine of grilling out and the military families relaxing for the weekend. The evening started off fine. Kevin called me to tell me that he and some of the other officers were going to be running late so to just take the kids and go without him. The family gatherings were in our neighborhood, so there was no driving or worry if the kids had to go to bed or potty. I went and like me, other wives were waiting for their husbands to come home. It was around 9pm and we were all having a good time. Kevin arrived and cordially said hello to everyone and then walked up to me and said “we are leaving now.” I could tell he was in a really bad mood and more than likely he got a bad grade on an exam he had that day. I thought to myself that I was not going to let him bring it out on me again. I said, “Kevin, the kids are having fun and so am I and I don’t want to go home.” He got closer to me and said, “You are going to gather up the kids and you are going home with me.” I looked at him straight in the eyes, and said, “NO!” At that moment, he knew I was standing firm and he was going to have to drag me home or leave without me. I held my breath and at that moment knew that everyone was watching us-including the kids. Kevin zoned into the others watching as well and he squared his shoulders and said goodnight to everyone and walked away. I was so relieved that he did not cause a scene. I watched him turn the corner and although I had aniexity about going home later, for that moment, I was ok and so were the kids…but it was only for a moment. As a matter of fact, it was minutes before I saw the silhouette of Kevin turning the corner. I could not see his face, but I could read his body language and he was furious. I remember I was holding Justin as he was starting to fall asleep in my arms. I stepped back and held my breath. He started telling the kids to get their bikes and jackets because he was taking them home. His exact words stung and for the first time-Kevin made a total ass out of himself in front of others. It turned out to be a blessing later but at that moment-I was mortified for him, me and our kids. He said, “You kids are coming home with me because it is late and your mother does not care about you.” ‘All she cares about is herself and getting drunk with her friends.” Kevin and I had never been big party-people. We rarely had alcohol in the house and England did center their gatherings on food and booze. I did drink more in England-we all did, so those words did not hurt me as much as Kevin saying I was a bad mother. So, Kevin starting grabbing 'A" and "M" by the hands. The kids starting crying knowing where Kevin’s anger usually led-it led to “Daddy” abusing “Mommy.”. I just stood there. I did not know what to do. Kevin jr. said, “But mommy said we can stay, but Mommy said we can stay.” Even at Kevin jr’s young age, it was his way to try to protect his mommy. Kevin sr. response was, “Don’t listen to her. She is just a drunk that does not care about you.” Hence, from that point on, that is what Kevin always called me. “A drunk and a neglectful mother that does not care about her kids.” He used these words because he knew they hurt me very deeply and that is what he wanted and still wants.
So, back to this moment. I froze in place as Kevin approached me and tried to grab Justin. I looked at him and said, “He is asleep and I will bring him home.” Kevin just grabbed "J" anyways and he woke up crying. Kevin started to walk away with the kids crying in tow. I could hear everyone breathing around me but I kept watching Kevin walk away. Then he turned and looked at me and said “well, are you coming?” It was like he just expected me to follow him because he had the children. He took the kids away from me and he thought I would follow his command of going home with him. The same tactic he tried to use in our divorce, but I will blog about that later.

I could not see Kevin’s face because of the street light behind him, but I could hear the kids whimpering, and Justin starting to cry and I was confused. He jolted me out of my silence and said, “Well, what the hell are you going to do?” I said, ‘I am staying right here.” His body language said it all. The stomp of his feet, the way he walked swiftly telling the older children to keep up and then I could see him look back in my direction one more time and I knew that if I went home right at that moment, I may not be sitting here typing on this computer. His rage for me was deep and I did fear walking into the darkness of our home while he waited for me. I slowly turned and looked at everyone. I was embarrassed, I was afraid, I was confused, and I did not know what to do except cry. I just turned and started walking towards the playground to try to get away from the crowd. I did not want them to see me cry. My friend Sue intercepted me and we went to her home. She tried to ask me about what just happened, but I asked her to not ask me. I just wanted to sit and gather my thoughts for a moment. She respected my request and we sat in silence. Because of Kevin’s behavior, the party was over and families had gone to their homes for the evening. I felt bad that Kevin’s behavior ruined the evening for everyone but I still could not believe that he showed his true colors towards me in public. For the first time, people saw what I would have to explain to people who did not see. I was not sure if Kevin’ public display was a good thing or a bad thing but I did know this one thing. He was going to blame me and make sure that I pay for his temper tantrum.

There was a knock on Sue’s door and I knew it was Kevin. Sue told Kevin that he needed to go back home and take care of the kids but Kevin kept saying-I want to talk to Cathie. He would not leave, so I went to the door. Kevin said with gritted teeth, “Come home now!” In my mind, I kept thinking, why is he so animate about me going home. The more he tried to bully me home, the more I feared going home. I just told him that I would be home later and to just go to bed. Kevin grabbed my arm faster than I could pull away and his grip tightened. He was twisting my skin and my skin turned red and was on fire. I thought that because Sue was watching that I could get him calm so I said, “Kevin, you are hurting me…just go home.” He tried to wrestle me out the door and then Sue’s husband Pier walked through the back door and grabbed my other arm and told Kevin to let me go. Kevin released me. Kevin backed away and said to me, “BITCH” “Don’t ever come back home then.” Pier closed the door. I slowly walked over to the couch and sat down. I just looked at my hands and for that moment I felt alone. VERY alone. I had no one. No family to go to, no children to hold on to, no money, and no home….I was alone in a foreign country and I was alone in a foreign marriage and I was alone inside a foreign Cathie. A foreign Cathie…..my body and mind were not connected anymore. I was living in two separate pieces on a map and all the paths looked the same. I was lost in a foreign country but it was not England…it was my soul. I was lost not on foreign soil but inside a foreign soul.

I hardly knew Pier and Sue nor did I want to share all of my life and secrets I was holding close to me. I asked them if they would walk me home. They did and as I went to open the front door-it was locked. I knew the children were asleep and I knew Kevin was awake because I saw him moving around. I knocked quietly and Kevin did not answer. I knocked again-no answer. I started to feel the emotion boil up inside me. The hurt and message he was sending to me was clear. It was not my home. It was his home as he commanded it. I hesitated on ringing the bell as to not wake the kids, so I knocked again and Kevin spoke. Through a window-“get the fuck away you stupid, skanky bitch.” I looked and Pier and Pier knocked and called Kevin’s name. I am not sure if Kevin knew Pier and Sue were with me but Kevin did open the front door. Pier asked if I was going to be ok and I almost choked on my words. I said, “Yes” and I proceeded to enter the house. Pier told Kevin to go to bed and maybe things will be better tomorrow. Kevin agreed and the door closed. I stood in a corner by the door and Kevin started to walk upstairs and then he turned and looked at me like he wanted me to follow. I did not look at him but I did say”I think I am going to sleep on the couch.” As Kevin walked up the stairs he mumbled “stupid bitch” I just put my arms around my waist. I was frozen in time and place. Almost like I was dreaming because everything had happened so fast. So much emotion and anger and then in a instance-gone. Kevin was a light switch-on and off..off then on. My mind could not work like that. I will still trying to catch my breath from the recent incident and asking myself…..what is real and what is not? I grabbed a blanket and lied on the couch and just stared in the dark. I heard Piers words…”go to sleep and everything will be better tomorrow.” Tomorrow…today…yesterday?? Which one would be better? I will still trying to overcome the yesterdays and now the today’s and I had to consider tomorrow? I grew up with a slogan that later I stated to resent, “don’t live in the past.” Don’t live in the past?? I could not even make sense of my daily routines with Kevin’s erratic behavior and I was still trying to figure out how to make our life better from the past words, abuses and hate. Going to sleep was going to make everything better? The one thing I feared with Kevin Landers was the tomorrows because I never knew who or what he was going to be. For the first time in my mind lying there in the dark, I hoped my sleep would be so deep that I would not have to face Kevin in our tomorrows. I was starting to fear my feelings towards myself. I was tired…..just so soulfully tired and I did not want to wake up. I never have quit at anything in my life unless I chose to and at that moment, in that cold dark living room in a home that did not feel like mine, I was quitting Catherine.Rest….Regroup..Return

"All this time, I can't believe I couldn't see
Kept in the dark but you were there in front of me
I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems
Got to open my eyes to everything

Without thought, without voice, without a soul
Don't let me die here
There must be something more
Bring me to life"~
Evanescence

Destruction begins......

“The sudden disappointment of a hope leaves a scar which the ultimate fulfillment of that hope never entirely removes.”
So, here the path moves forward down a road of destruction. Kevin was attending Farmingdale community college in NY. I was working at Goldman Brothers. I did like working with the men and women at Goldman Brothers. Vinney, Stan, Howard, and Christine were my favorite people. They kind of put their arms around me and helped me work in an atmosphere with the "New York" mentality of abrasiveness. Being that I came from a small town where everyone asked about your family and Mama and Papa, I was not used to the harshness of a big town mentality. I worked at Goldman Bros. for about 4 months and then Kevin needed a landscape partner. I told him that I could handle the job. He kind of laughed at me and said-"no way...the work is too hard for a woman to handle....Being that I am a farm girl from Mountain Home, Arkansas-" I looked at him and said-"I can drive and repair a tractor, haul hay, chop weeds with a reaper, and push a lawn mower over acres of rock land." So, he looked at me and said-"you have the job." It was so great back then. We seem to work well together, but there were moments of outbursts of anger, and temper tantrums by him. I was not afraid back then, but I remember knowing that he had some lack of control with his anger.

Kevin decided that he wanted to further his career in Landscape Architect, so he got accepted to the University of Georgia. I was supportive of him wanting to strive for something he loved, so we moved to Athens, Ga. It was kind of scary but exciting as well. We rented a house but we had a hard time with Kevin's tuition. Jim and Becky did offer to help pay for his education, but Kevin was firm on his stance that he did not want them to pay for his education at all. He told me that he did not want them to pay for anything because they would hold it over his head. I asked him why he felt this way and this is what he said. He told me that he did not trust his mom because she was a gossip especially after church, He told me times where they would go to church and pretend to be good Christians, but on the way home, his mom would talk about how other people dressed, or gossip about everyone. I remember Kevin told me that he did not trust her with anything. He also told me that he did not want his father to help us because Jim would praise himself to everyone else and take credit for Kevin's education. So, Kevin got loans and we both worked allot. Money was tight but we seemed to be happy.

Kevin always had a fascination with the military. He would admire the ROTC guys that he would see on campus and one day he said he wanted to join. I knew it was important to him and I truly loved him, so I did not hesitate to support his pursuit to be an officer in the army. As money got tighter, we moved onto campus into family housing. It was not planned, but I got pregnant with my first son. It was scary and exciting at the same time. Kevin was still going to school and working part time and I was a manager at a hand-painted basket shop and would paint baskets for extra money. I felt like we were happy......Kevin was almost done with school, we were going to have a baby, and we had our whole future ahead of us until the night he hit me for the first time. Let me start with this-I loved Kevin Landers with all my heart. I wanted to eventually finish my education and be "somebody" but I wanted to stand by my man...support him, love him, and be proud of our lives together. I was happy to be a mom, and move forward into any challenges we would have together. But then there was the first hit-

I was standing in our small kitchen in family, campus housing. I was about 6 months pregnant and I was cooking dinner. I remember he was in a really bad mood about a grade he got. I cannot remember the words said but I do remember that I looked at him and told him to calm down and stop yelling....to get control of himself...the next thing I remember I was on the floor and sting on my face. A shocking feeling that went through me. I had to register what just happened as I touched my burning cheek. I asked him-"did you just hit me?" He looked flustered and said-"I am just under allot of stress with the baby coming and all and I am so sorry" I remember that I just look at him.......and I said...”my own father has never slapped me in the face....." I was stunned, humiliated, hurt, and confused....and then I was pregnant. In a weird way, I kept thinking that I was more hurt that he hit me when I was pregnant. As if it would have been ok if I was not carrying our baby. I went to the bedroom, but no tears came...just a stunned feeling......and then he came to me with a script that would continue over the next 17 years. It was repeated as follows-"I am sorry, I am just in a bad mood and I saw orange and don't remember hitting you and that if I would just stop yelling at me that I would not be so mad." He said that he did not mean to hit me and it would never happen again. Seeing the tears in his eyes, in my sickness, I felt sorry for him. So at that moment, I allowed the abuse to continue....

There was a good period of time before the next hit came. We were focused on having our first baby and thrilled to be parents. We had no medical insurance as Kevin was not officially in the army yet, but we managed with the medical bills until our baby was born. On the day of of my induction into labor, our baby went into stress. I watched his heartbeat drop drastically until it hit zero. Kevin jr.'s heartbeat stopped and then the frantic state in the hospital room escalated. An emergency c-section was done and our baby's life was spared. We were so thankful and happy to have our son and Kevin was very attentive to me. He was still in school, but with my mom there to help, we made it through the first few days of a crazy schedule. Then the medical bills came and we were not prepared for the amount of money it took to bring our baby into this world. As I said, we had no insurance and the stress level over finances escalated. 3 weeks after our first son was born was born, we moved to Fort Lenorwood, Missouri. Kevin had officers basic to go through and our stay there was for only 6 months. Because we could not get on post, we had to rent an apartment-an added expense that added to the stress on money. I hated the apartment we lived in. I did not feel safe there and Kevin was gone allot. Having a new baby to care for, I felt isolated. I remember that one night Kevin got home late and he was in a bad mood. I was also in a bad mood. I was feeling frustrated and just wanted to get out of the apartment without the baby and go to the only store they had in that town-24 hour Wal-Mart. I asked Kevin if it would be ok and he literally started yelling at me and saying that he was tired and just wanted to relax and not have to take care of our baby. I looked at him and said-"I just need a break.....I just want to go to Wal-Mart and walk around and I won't spend any money." So we started arguing and he pushed me into the kitchen counter-hard! It knocked the breath out of me and I was once again shocked. I started screaming at him and telling him that he was a liar, that he said he would never hit me again. And right then, I felt my head snap and then the sting on my face.......I started to cry and then our baby started to cry and I looked at Kevin and said." I am going to Wal-Mart and I am bringing our son with me." Kevin did not try to stop me and he became almost solemn. (I did however find out that Kevin was late because he went to a strip club.) It was strange to me. I just loaded up the baby trying to fight back the tears and I left and went to Wal-Mart. Why did I not call the police then? Why did I not leave for good? I loved him-yes. I wanted him to grow old with me. We just had a child together. And yes-I was afraid I would be alone, but today I know that the choices I made back then altered everything that I liked about me. It altered my integrity and my confidence...I questioned every action or non-reaction that I should have taken responsibility for. I was not as strong or confident as I thought or wanted to be and I allowed ONE man to beat me down physically and mentally.......stay with me on this transformation as the abuse and sickness grows and the hits become beatings, resulting in the permanent neurological damage that LTC. Kevin Landers has scared me with for the rest of my life......

After Fort Lenorwood Missouri, we got stationed at Ft. Benning Georgia. In my mind, I thought the move would be good for us. I told myself that tension was high with Kevin attending officers basic at Fort Lenordwood and now that he was an 'official" officer, things would calm down for him.

Our medical debts were still very high from almost losing our son and we struggled financially for a long time. Although we had free housing, a regular paycheck and military benefits now, we still had medical bills and loads of credit debt because we had to pay for any medical expenses on credit as we had no money. We also had to buy furniture and home items for our home and the new baby. We had a hard time keeping up with it all. Bill collectors were always on our backs and it was very hard to keep our heads above water. Our food list was very limited as we hate lots of rice, potatoes, beans and cereal. We had a hard time buying diapers and formula as those are very expensive. I told Kevin that maybe I could get a little part time job, but he insisted that we both agreed that I was to stay at home with our children. So, I applied for food stamps and got accepted for a brief period. Kevin was livid when he found out I did this. He said "do you know embarrassing this is being that I am an officer now to go to the store and use these coupons?" I simply looked at him and said "I am the one who has to plan the meals, buy the food, and feed this family...I'm not embarrassed and neither should you be." Once again the same push with that familiar burn on my face occurred. He backhanded me the hardest that he ever had before and my nose started to bleed. I did not even cry. I just slowly tuned my face back towards him and told him I was washing my face and then going to buy food to feed us. I did wash my face but I had a hard time looking at myself in the mirror. I was ashamed. Not ashamed for not speaking up...ashamed for allowing Kevin to hit me, again. I put our little baby down for a nap, grabbed my purse, did not say goodbye to Kevin and I got in our pickup truck. It was when I pulled out of his sight that I cried. I hated this...all of it. It was then that I started to second guess myself. Maybe I should have asked him first if I could apply for food stamps (only knowing he would say no). Maybe I was too harsh in my stance to make sure I was going to do what it took to have more money for food. Maybe he was in a bad mood and I should have known it...maybe, maybe, maybe.....it was me. So at this very moment in my mind- my independence, confidence and strong will started to make me question everything that I liked about myself. At this moment, without knowing it then, I started to become the martyr, the silent voice...the VICTIM of abuse.

Things calmed down for awhile after Kevin got adjusted to his duties as a soldier. I also started to get adjusted to the demands of being a mom and a military spouse and I did enjoy being a part of the family support group and loved all the military families in our unit. I discovered I was pregnant with our second child-Megan. We were thrilled to have our small family begin to grow and our son Kevin was very excited to have a sibling to play with. Kevin was very attentive to me and I really liked his generous attention towards me, the pregnancy, and the new life we were trying to create together. We were "happy" once again and for that I was relived. What I realized later was that as long as Kevin was happy then all of us were happy. The mood of our home was based on his behavior and moods. But, at that moment in time, things were good.Our second child, a girl, was born in October, 1992 and there were no difficulties at all. She was a beautiful baby and I was so happy to have a daughter. Kevin sr. was extremely busy with the military going on deployments and field preparations that he was hardly home but I was fine with that. I accepted my role as a military spouse and I knew that for several months out of each year, I was for all intents, a single mom. There were outbursts of anger by Kevin and an occasional push or shove into a wall as he passed me, but in a sick way, I could live with those. At least he had not hit me or punch me again and I was as happy as I tried to be. We lived at Fort Benning for two years and then got re-stationed back to Fort Lenorwood. I was happy with that. It was a small post and I still had friends there and it was close to my parent’s home in Mountain Home. So, we were all excited about our move there. Life was good and I had a false sense of security just knowing that Kevin would not hurt me again. I could handle his yelling, temper tantrums, and unpredictable outburst in public but I justified once again that he just needed to find his place in life where he was happy and then his anger would lessen. I thought that if the kids stayed well behaved, the house was orderly, I stayed on his budget for me, he loved his job and I pleased him whenever or however he wanted than all would be ok. But, I later realized that no matter what I did, what I said or did not say how I treated him did not matter to him. What was most important to Kevin was control. Control over me, his career, his children, his reputation, and most of all-his need to make sure I knew where I stood and that was to be 10 steps walking behind him. If "Kevin world" wasn't going his way-he chose the one who was going to pay for it, and that was me. Bullies only try to control those who are weaker than them, and at this point, I would be reminded many times how much of a bully he really is.

Rest now...regroup...return soon.....