After our 4 ½ year station at Fort Belvoir Virginia, Kevin had to go to Staff College in Fort Leavenworth, Kansas. It was only a 12 month assignment at Leavenworth, and the children and I were very sad to leave our safe haven at Belvoir. Saying goodbye to all of our friends was very difficult knowing that things would change once Kevin was going to be home more often. But, we became resilient to change and we were on the move again.
Living in Kansas was no different than any other place. It was the same behavior with Kevin. The pushes, punches, shoulder chucks and degrading words were constant but overall, in our sick world, it was calmer than the past. Kevin was once again busy with Staff College and I immersed myself into the kid’s schools and college.
I took on helping children read and write, and was asked to "quietly" be a substitute teacher in the school system. I volunteered as a P.E. teacher and loved every moment of it.
However, I would lie in bed and do constant evaluations of myself and my life and I came to this conclusion. I realized that I tried to hold on to any fragment of a positive thing in my life - My children, my goals, my friends, and my family. I would convince myself that with all those things, I was going to be ok no matter what Kevin did to me. I lied to myself all the time. Being degraded and abused destroys the confidence of a human being. Even a self determined mother of 4 trying to be strong. I held onto to this “determination mindset” because I wanted to convince myself that one day everything was going to be ok. It was my weakness to hold onto to a “mindset” that was a lie. Kevin methodically used that weakness against me and today I see the game, but I did not realize “his” rules until I was “forced” to leave my life…our life, our divorce, and the children became the pawns of their father.
“I overcame the abuses of my husband. With time, my wounds have scabbed and left scars.
But, for him use our 8 and 14 year olds sons; our 10 and 12 year old daughters to speak lies and deception because “if you say this, mommy will come home” are wounds that my children express to this day and pain they will endure forever.
Kevin, the father, used fear and manipulation against his own children. They witnessed lies and deception achieving what “Daddy wanted.” To this day they continue to struggle with this means to the end” Catherine Landers
When we moved from Kansas in route to Fort Bragg, NC Kevin decided he would retire after this assignment and we would move to Tennessee, buy land, and build a huge cabin home there in the middle of our Landscape Nursery “Cullen Nursery”. His plan was to use his retirement and medical benefits to “run the business” and I would have my teaching degree to help “float” the household during the “start-up years”.
I agreed with him with a verbal lie, knowing that I was going to leave him once I obtained my teaching degree. I would nod at him…but my mind and body could not wait to leave him. I knew that he would have a real struggle making it in the Landscaping business without my emotional “stand by your man” support. His possible failure delighted me. I was sick of supporting him then lying to cover his ungodly perverted behavior. He had degraded me, hurt me, bullied me, beaten me, sexually assaulted me and left me to this day with medical brain damage. I wanted and want him to fail. I was faithful to him and loved him and wanted him to be a great man once upon a time. I longed for him to be a good husband and father. When no one else stood by him-I did. When his family thought it was crazy for a Christian Church of Christ boy from Hicksville NY to join the military - I stood by him. I followed him with our 4 children in tow all around the world. I stood by him when he would give speeches at each promotion and his parents standing there. He would give his formal speech to thank his comrades, but as soon as he looked at me, he started to cry. He could not even say the words-“My Wife”. Was he feeling guilty or was it his defense mechanism? I still wonder. But either way- I wanted him to believe that I was STILL the supporting wife. But I could not stand him anymore and I was going to use him to get what I needed for me and the kids freedom. I was going to break a cycle that I helped enable because I knew that Kevin Landers would NEVER take ownership of his actions. HE HAS NOT CHANGED TO THIS VERY DAY.
He had learned very well from his parents the art of deception and lying to make a picture look better on the outside. Others would joke how his childhood family was the “Brady Bunch”. But behind the scenes as a spouse you are told stories of a non-affectionate father who treated the “church” with more regard and kindness than had been shown to his own mother. How his father was a hot headed spouse that degraded Kevin’s mother. How his mother always insulted others less fortunate. How his sister was one of the most selfish inconsiderate women he knew. In all fairness, I would like it known that Kevin has a younger brother that appears to have escaped the generational insanity. Brian appears to be a good husband; is a good father and I think he and his wife are great people.
The lies told before, during and after the divorce are horrific. With the exception of Brian, the Landers family continues to lie to protect their “Brady” image. Their accounts of events can be proven to be lies-but I will go into the deception by ALL of them later. As for me, I learned to stand by your man no matter what the abuse is because one day it may get better. My family lives by the “Don’t live in the past” quote and everyday in my marriage to Kevin, I tried real hard to not live in the past. But I would ask myself, “why is my hair falling out”; “why does my jaw hurt”; “why is my body sore”; “how am I going to explain my children clinging to me because the day prior their daddy drags mommy by the feet up-and-down the stairs until mommy passes out”. I never thought that I would have to convince my family of my abuses. However, I learned the harsh lesson of “love ALL unconditionally” even if the condition will most likely lead to your death. I did not know that my mother, father and siblings meant that they would believe Kevin over me with their “unconditional love.” He played them very well. I never thought that my loyalty to “my husband’ could be used against me when I decided to leave him. I will address my family’s abandonment of me in more detail later.
As where it stands in this entry of my blog-we are headed to Fayetteville, NC. Things went into a big spiral once I came to the realization that my family would not stand by me. My master plan to walk away from this horrible man turned against me and he had my mother, my father and my siblings as his closest allies. The lies needed an audience, and my family gave him a full house to perform to. I wanted out of the marriage but I was holding strong. What expedited my move? One evening after Christmas in December, before Kevin’s January 10, 2005 deployment, Kevin tried to attack our 14 year old son. That moment was the turning point in every methodical plan that I had developed in order to walk away and be free. Stay with me on this and you will understand every question that your mind asks you about my kids, about my divorce, about my relationship with John Baker and why I am where I am today.
“Long term domestic violence: Being abused in this manner is like being kidnapped and tortured for ransom but you will never have enough to pay off the kidnapper.” Rebecca J. Burns …The Last Staw
http://thelaststraw.wordpress.com/
REST…REGROUP…RETURN
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