After all the insanities I endured with Kevin up to this point, I knew in my heart that our marriage was over. Outwardly, I played the "good, respectable officers wife" so no one knew the torment my heart had endured over Kevin. Inside, our marriage was a false entity and my soul started to become lost over a man that really did not love me. He wanted to claim me as his prize but one cannot put a living soul in a box without that soul wanting to eventually break free.
Nothing else was mentioned for a several months about what happened with swingers and we got the news that there was a house available for us on post. I was relived to get out of the city of Woodbridge and move to Fort Belvoir. I was always conscience that I may run into that couple at a store so moving was a relief to me. Once we moved on post, Kevin changed jobs and he told me he would have to travel ALOT and I was relived with that as well. The neighborhood we lived at, Roswell Village was filled with wonderful families and the children once again adjusted to their new home.
I voiced to Kevin that since he would be traveling quite often that I would like to finish my college education on post at Troy University. I had given up my education pursuits when Kevin and I got married, and then we started a family and I was grateful to have the job as a stay-at-home mom, but I longed for my degree in elementary education. I told Kevin it would give me something to do while the children were in school and then we could use my teaching job as an added income when he retired. I lied to Kevin. I really wanted to get my degree so I would have the means to take care of myself and my kids WHEN I decided to leave him one day. I knew that if I included him and made him feel that he was “allowing” me to pursue something for “HIS” future, then he would not mind my pursuit in my education. In all of our insanities in our marriage, I was learning real fast how Kevin’s mind worked, and I was now in control of me without him having a clue what was going on in my mind. I was going to leave him. I just needed to be smart about it. He had used me and abused me for too long, He did teach me one thing in our marriage-I was using him to get what I wanted. I was silently in a methodical control of my actions and thoughts and became the master of Kevin not being able to read my face.
So, I started my college education and I was on an emotional high. Kevin traveled all around the world and honestly I could care less what he did on his travels or what he lied about. If you ask any of my children where their favorite place to live was? It was at Fort Belvoir, Va. Isn’t it ironic that their father was never home? My confidence and self-esteem sky-rocketed again and I knew that I was going to break free of this man one day. I was going to stand on my own rules, my own morals, and I would eventually heal my soul. Little did I know until a few years later when I lost everything dear to me, the only healing of my soul is through my faith in God and up to this point in my life, God was a second thought. My how humble I have become to think I could control my emotions and the depths of my soul without clinging to a higher power.
"I have held many things in my hands, and I have lost them all; but whatever I have placed in God's hands that I still possess." Martin Luther
I will share with you in more depth where I am today and why I am today, but for now, lets go back to Fort Belvoir.
With Kevin traveling, I knew I did not have to have to walk on egg shells and neither did the children. Life was so great and I was the busiest I had ever been and I kept feeding my mind and self-esteem. I was still taking college classes, still training people in the gym, and still volunteering at the schools and community. My Cup Runneth Over(Psalm23:5) and I had created the best environment I could for me and the children. I was not living in the shadow of Kevin anymore. I was recreating myself (sounds familiar?) and my world was happy but happiness does not last long in an abusive relationship. Especially when the abuser starts to feel like he is losing control of his environment.
Kevin would come home occasionally and for a couple of days, the “happy” environment latest briefly, but then the mood changed because Kevin started with his pouting, stomping, eye rolls which eventually turned into, yelling at me, the kids and then the physical pushing, hitting, slapping. Kevin would insult my study habits and would tell me that he was not going to pay for me to fail. He would try to sabotage my efforts to study, work, and volunteer. He would insult my housekeeping, my looks, my being- but inside I kept telling myself to hold strong because I REFUSED to allow him to crush the happy world I had created on my outsides and my insides. Kevin started to sense my independence because he would tell me that if I ever left him that he would make sure my life was a living hell. He would tell me that if it was not for him, I would not be getting an education and I should be thankful for him “allowing” me to go to school. He would tell me that if I even thought about leaving him that he would take away the 4 things I loved the most-my kids-and ensured that I would get no money from him at all. That I would be living on the streets and could become a hooker to survive. Little did I know how much he truly meant those words as I secretly held onto my dream to be free of him one day. I actually laughed at him in my mind every time he threatened me, but I started to become afraid that he was beginning to read my thoughts of freedom from him.
I read a quote once that said-“The secret of happiness is freedom. The secret of freedom is courage” I never knew how much courage I was going to have dig from inside of me to not let Kevin follow through with his threats. Because to me they were just threats. He is a bully and I was use to his words and actions of evil in our marriage. I was truly not prepared for the evil I would have to endure in our divorce. I am anxious to tell all of you details of what really happened after we moved to Fayetteville, NC. It became a horrible, mean, evil circus and I was the clown with the big, blue tear painted on my cheek.
"Don't you love farce?
My fault, I fear
I thought that you want what I want
Sorry, my dear
But where are the clowns?
Quick, send in the clowns
Don't bother
They're here."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5os4NFeKFFs
REST...REGROUP...RETURN
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