SWINGERS and Col Kevin Landers

After the "clinic incident" Kevin was cautious around me. It was odd because he was so much more attentive than he had been. I wanted to hold onto the idea that after the humiliation of the STD threat, perhaps he actually felt guilty for asking me to go through the “rape exam’. So, honestly, I felt I had control over myself again. I was relieved that we never talked about the incident at the clinic. Looking back, I resented myself for protecting him after his hate towards me. So once again-I moved forward.

Kevin was doing well as an instructor at Fort Belvoir, VA and I still continued to volunteer at the children’s school and teach classes at Gold’s Gym. Our marriage and lives were methodical but I was ok that "calmness" was present.

Kevin did find refuge in searching on the internet when he got home from work. Unfortunately, most of the time Kevin’s searching consisted of pornography. Please try to understand my stance in this. I wrote before that I felt that if he was looking at porn in our home, it was safer than him returning to strip clubs, prostitutes, and bars. I also felt that if Kevin was entertained with the internet, he would leave me alone. Occasionally porn surfing was fine with me. However, it was soon apparent that Kevin was addicted to pornography. We did have sex about 4 days a week, so in my mind I was not “neglecting’ my man. Therefore, why would Kevin be searching for another outlet. I just figured that once again, my husband and father of our 4 children did not want to be a part of me or the kid’s lives. It got to the point that Kevin would come home from work, eat dinner and then he was on the computer surfing porn(fact-not accusation per Kevin would call me in to show me porn sites he was searching – almost as though gaining my consent made it ok). When he was not mowing the lawn, or working out, he was on the computer. When he would get 3 day weekends because of federal holidays, he would surf porn from Friday morning until Sunday night in between the occasional get together with parents of one of the children’s soccer teams. Kevin rarely spent time with the children and when the kids would ask “where is Daddy?” I would lie and tell them not to bother him because he was working in his office. I DID NOT want one of the kids to walk in on him pleasing himself to a video or web cam. He had removed himself from the family and porn became his new family. When he was at work, I would check the history on the computer to see where he had been on the Web. I saw adult chat rooms, porn sites, pictures and videos. I saw that he used alias names and other email addresses but without a pass code, I could not access the paid sites. I then saw the hours that Kevin spent searching porn. We would go to bed together and he would get up after I was asleep and surf more. Then I saw something that made me freeze. It was a document about me saved on the desktop. It was a scanned copy of my test results from the clinic I had recently went to. I stared at the screen puzzled by this. I justified in my head that Kevin had it scanned just in case we lost the original. But then my mind battled with me reaching for the logic behind it. Why would he need a scanned copy of my test results? It was not even necessary for me to have a copy of my test result. If it got lost it made no difference to me. I never asked Kevin why he had this on our computer. Soon I found out why he had saved my “clean” results. Please understand, I watched some porn videos with Kevin. He seemed calm and happy when he was on the web and I did start to miss seeing my husband after awhile. He seemed to be “nicer” after he surfed porn. Sometimes after the kids were in bed, I would go in to check on him. I did not understand his obsession with the porn sites. I let him do what he wanted because he was less abusive towards me when he got his way. Kevin did not have many friends, so chatting seemed harmless to me. Kevin did not watch sports so this pornography filled his weekend. I kept telling myself that it was no big deal. I did not understand how this whole “porn thing” worked but I found out real fast what world Kevin had immersed himself in and what he had included about me without my permission.This is the most difficult blog entry for me. Although some of my subscribers may be “repulsed” by what I write, it is humiliating and embarrassing for me – YET, I must convey ALL of the sickness within my relationship with Kevin. I hesitated in writing about this, but then I felt that if I was going to share my entire story then I had to be honest with myself and say it out loud, write it down, relive it, and then let it go. So here we go….

Kevin had been sharing intimate pictures of me once again with strangers. These pictures of me nude had been taking by Kevin so that he could view them when deployed. I found out that Ignorantly, I had thought that going into chat rooms was innocent and harmless. However, these rooms are full of REAL people with real lives. Conversations and questions are asked. “Where are you from?”; “What are you into?”; “Are you single; are you married?” AND the big one- “Do you have pictures?” It is a methodical obsession and Kevin could not stop his addiction. He started sharing our private “deployment pictures” of himself and me. To prove that I was his wife-He shared non-nude FAMILY pictures of us together. When that became boring, he discovered that couples were looking for other couples to have fun with. It is called Swingers. Kevin had methodically been telling me about people he had “met” at the gym, the store, around town. He would tell me how nice they were and that maybe we should get together with them. I was always opened to meeting new people and getting out of the house. So, I agreed with Kevin that we should expand our friendships outside of our military neighbors and get to know different people. Kevin came home one day and told me of a guy he had met at one of the local hardware stores and they got to talking about me. This guy had a wife and Kevin told me that he thought her and I had so much in common that a new friendship could transpire. So, Kevin told me we were going out to dinner with them and I was excited to get a break from the children and actually go out for an evening. I was getting dressed and Kevin came in our bedroom and told me that he wanted to share something with me about the couple before we met them at the restaurant. Of course, I wanted to know more about them. Keep in mind, I am fixing my hair and putting makeup on very excited to go out on a date and Kevin is sitting on the bed telling me about this couple. He told me that they were really nice, attractive, and in an “open relationship” 
I froze and turned to him and said, 
“What did you just say?”
He hesitated and said, 
“They are in an open relationship.” 
I knew what that meant and I was stung with the thought of where he was going with our “date night.” I was livid with him. How dare he do this to me. How dare he manipulate me. How dare he lie to me about something so vulgar? I kept my voice calm so that the children and their sitter could not hear me. I turned and looked at him and calmly asked him what he shared with them about “us” as a couple. Stoned face, and jaw clenched he said, 
“Just try to keep an open mind about this Cath.” 
My sick husband had set me up to think we were meeting new friends and meanwhile he was methodically grooming me to become “fuck friends” with them. I was humiliated and hurt. Everything started rushing through my mind so fast. Now I know how this whole swingers stuff works…both parties have to be willing. Kevin was not going to be able to “swing” without using me-the mother of his children- as bait. I went into the bathroom and brushed the curls out of my hair, washed my face, undressed and prepared to take the baby-sitter home. The entire time Kevin kept saying-
“Just please try…please go out with me…it might be fun….it will help our relationship.” 
“It will help our relationship and we will become closer to each other.” 
He said this with such calmness and conviction. His voice was so soft and soothing and he came up and kissed me on my neck. I melted and then, I jolted back to reality. I told Kevin I was NEVER going to do anything like that and that the date was cancelled. As always I paid for my “disobedience” at the hands of his anger…another “typical” beating from my husband.After my beating and Kevin “teaching me a lesson” he calmed.

Over the next few weeks Kevin started trying to convince me of this “open lifestyle”. He was so nice to me, so attentive and I had longed for him to treat me this way for years. In my illness to “please my man”, I agreed to follow through with a swingers couple swap. I told him ONLY once and then I wanted him to stop all this pornography. He agreed and promised that our relationship was going to be so much better and that he would stop the pornography. After the evening took place with that couple, it was over for me. I tried to convince myself that it was going to be ok. That Kevin and I would improve our relationship. That he would love me for doing this for him. I was wrong. I felt dirty, and used. I resented myself for allowing myself to sink so low to try to please a man that was not capable of loving me or himself. Not only did it make matters worse in our relationship…Kevin kept pushing for me to do this again with him. He wanted this to be our secret lifestyle. He wanted us to host orgies in our home. I was not willing to degrade myself again.

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent" Eleanor Roosevelt

So, Kevin became more bitter, more angry and more disgusted with me. From this time forward, I stopped trying to understand him. When he realized I was not willing to be his “bait”, he started once again consistently beating me down with words and his fists.

Before I close this entry, remember the “rape test” at the clinic? Kevin used my clean results to register me on swingers. Just another reflection on the soul of this man whose father was an elder/leader in their church and Kevin who always hid behind his domination to insist that as his wife, my duty was to obey his EVERY desire.

If a husband does not love himself, then how can he love his wife?
"...vs:28 So, husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself."Ephesians 5:22-28 (NKJV)