SWINGERS and Col Kevin Landers

After the "clinic incident" Kevin was cautious around me. It was odd because he was so much more attentive than he had been. I wanted to hold onto the idea that after the humiliation of the STD threat, perhaps he actually felt guilty for asking me to go through the “rape exam’. So, honestly, I felt I had control over myself again. I was relieved that we never talked about the incident at the clinic. Looking back, I resented myself for protecting him after his hate towards me. So once again-I moved forward.

Kevin was doing well as an instructor at Fort Belvoir, VA and I still continued to volunteer at the children’s school and teach classes at Gold’s Gym. Our marriage and lives were methodical but I was ok that "calmness" was present.

Kevin did find refuge in searching on the internet when he got home from work. Unfortunately, most of the time Kevin’s searching consisted of pornography. Please try to understand my stance in this. I wrote before that I felt that if he was looking at porn in our home, it was safer than him returning to strip clubs, prostitutes, and bars. I also felt that if Kevin was entertained with the internet, he would leave me alone. Occasionally porn surfing was fine with me. However, it was soon apparent that Kevin was addicted to pornography. We did have sex about 4 days a week, so in my mind I was not “neglecting’ my man. Therefore, why would Kevin be searching for another outlet. I just figured that once again, my husband and father of our 4 children did not want to be a part of me or the kid’s lives. It got to the point that Kevin would come home from work, eat dinner and then he was on the computer surfing porn(fact-not accusation per Kevin would call me in to show me porn sites he was searching – almost as though gaining my consent made it ok). When he was not mowing the lawn, or working out, he was on the computer. When he would get 3 day weekends because of federal holidays, he would surf porn from Friday morning until Sunday night in between the occasional get together with parents of one of the children’s soccer teams. Kevin rarely spent time with the children and when the kids would ask “where is Daddy?” I would lie and tell them not to bother him because he was working in his office. I DID NOT want one of the kids to walk in on him pleasing himself to a video or web cam. He had removed himself from the family and porn became his new family. When he was at work, I would check the history on the computer to see where he had been on the Web. I saw adult chat rooms, porn sites, pictures and videos. I saw that he used alias names and other email addresses but without a pass code, I could not access the paid sites. I then saw the hours that Kevin spent searching porn. We would go to bed together and he would get up after I was asleep and surf more. Then I saw something that made me freeze. It was a document about me saved on the desktop. It was a scanned copy of my test results from the clinic I had recently went to. I stared at the screen puzzled by this. I justified in my head that Kevin had it scanned just in case we lost the original. But then my mind battled with me reaching for the logic behind it. Why would he need a scanned copy of my test results? It was not even necessary for me to have a copy of my test result. If it got lost it made no difference to me. I never asked Kevin why he had this on our computer. Soon I found out why he had saved my “clean” results. Please understand, I watched some porn videos with Kevin. He seemed calm and happy when he was on the web and I did start to miss seeing my husband after awhile. He seemed to be “nicer” after he surfed porn. Sometimes after the kids were in bed, I would go in to check on him. I did not understand his obsession with the porn sites. I let him do what he wanted because he was less abusive towards me when he got his way. Kevin did not have many friends, so chatting seemed harmless to me. Kevin did not watch sports so this pornography filled his weekend. I kept telling myself that it was no big deal. I did not understand how this whole “porn thing” worked but I found out real fast what world Kevin had immersed himself in and what he had included about me without my permission.This is the most difficult blog entry for me. Although some of my subscribers may be “repulsed” by what I write, it is humiliating and embarrassing for me – YET, I must convey ALL of the sickness within my relationship with Kevin. I hesitated in writing about this, but then I felt that if I was going to share my entire story then I had to be honest with myself and say it out loud, write it down, relive it, and then let it go. So here we go….

Kevin had been sharing intimate pictures of me once again with strangers. These pictures of me nude had been taking by Kevin so that he could view them when deployed. I found out that Ignorantly, I had thought that going into chat rooms was innocent and harmless. However, these rooms are full of REAL people with real lives. Conversations and questions are asked. “Where are you from?”; “What are you into?”; “Are you single; are you married?” AND the big one- “Do you have pictures?” It is a methodical obsession and Kevin could not stop his addiction. He started sharing our private “deployment pictures” of himself and me. To prove that I was his wife-He shared non-nude FAMILY pictures of us together. When that became boring, he discovered that couples were looking for other couples to have fun with. It is called Swingers. Kevin had methodically been telling me about people he had “met” at the gym, the store, around town. He would tell me how nice they were and that maybe we should get together with them. I was always opened to meeting new people and getting out of the house. So, I agreed with Kevin that we should expand our friendships outside of our military neighbors and get to know different people. Kevin came home one day and told me of a guy he had met at one of the local hardware stores and they got to talking about me. This guy had a wife and Kevin told me that he thought her and I had so much in common that a new friendship could transpire. So, Kevin told me we were going out to dinner with them and I was excited to get a break from the children and actually go out for an evening. I was getting dressed and Kevin came in our bedroom and told me that he wanted to share something with me about the couple before we met them at the restaurant. Of course, I wanted to know more about them. Keep in mind, I am fixing my hair and putting makeup on very excited to go out on a date and Kevin is sitting on the bed telling me about this couple. He told me that they were really nice, attractive, and in an “open relationship” 
I froze and turned to him and said, 
“What did you just say?”
He hesitated and said, 
“They are in an open relationship.” 
I knew what that meant and I was stung with the thought of where he was going with our “date night.” I was livid with him. How dare he do this to me. How dare he manipulate me. How dare he lie to me about something so vulgar? I kept my voice calm so that the children and their sitter could not hear me. I turned and looked at him and calmly asked him what he shared with them about “us” as a couple. Stoned face, and jaw clenched he said, 
“Just try to keep an open mind about this Cath.” 
My sick husband had set me up to think we were meeting new friends and meanwhile he was methodically grooming me to become “fuck friends” with them. I was humiliated and hurt. Everything started rushing through my mind so fast. Now I know how this whole swingers stuff works…both parties have to be willing. Kevin was not going to be able to “swing” without using me-the mother of his children- as bait. I went into the bathroom and brushed the curls out of my hair, washed my face, undressed and prepared to take the baby-sitter home. The entire time Kevin kept saying-
“Just please try…please go out with me…it might be fun….it will help our relationship.” 
“It will help our relationship and we will become closer to each other.” 
He said this with such calmness and conviction. His voice was so soft and soothing and he came up and kissed me on my neck. I melted and then, I jolted back to reality. I told Kevin I was NEVER going to do anything like that and that the date was cancelled. As always I paid for my “disobedience” at the hands of his anger…another “typical” beating from my husband.After my beating and Kevin “teaching me a lesson” he calmed.

Over the next few weeks Kevin started trying to convince me of this “open lifestyle”. He was so nice to me, so attentive and I had longed for him to treat me this way for years. In my illness to “please my man”, I agreed to follow through with a swingers couple swap. I told him ONLY once and then I wanted him to stop all this pornography. He agreed and promised that our relationship was going to be so much better and that he would stop the pornography. After the evening took place with that couple, it was over for me. I tried to convince myself that it was going to be ok. That Kevin and I would improve our relationship. That he would love me for doing this for him. I was wrong. I felt dirty, and used. I resented myself for allowing myself to sink so low to try to please a man that was not capable of loving me or himself. Not only did it make matters worse in our relationship…Kevin kept pushing for me to do this again with him. He wanted this to be our secret lifestyle. He wanted us to host orgies in our home. I was not willing to degrade myself again.

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent" Eleanor Roosevelt

So, Kevin became more bitter, more angry and more disgusted with me. From this time forward, I stopped trying to understand him. When he realized I was not willing to be his “bait”, he started once again consistently beating me down with words and his fists.

Before I close this entry, remember the “rape test” at the clinic? Kevin used my clean results to register me on swingers. Just another reflection on the soul of this man whose father was an elder/leader in their church and Kevin who always hid behind his domination to insist that as his wife, my duty was to obey his EVERY desire.

If a husband does not love himself, then how can he love his wife?
"...vs:28 So, husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself."Ephesians 5:22-28 (NKJV)

Infidelity and Sickness......

After the last incident when Kevin pleaded with me to not leave him in England-Things had calmed down quite alot. I was so relived of the fact that he did not hurt me for awhile.
What I learned later is that Kevin had the fortitude and strength to not hit me or verbally abuse me. He had proven that to me with his actions. He WAS in control of his emotions and it was not my fault that he pushed me around. But being physically pushed around is not the only abuse I faced with him. I found out of a different kind of manipulation and abuse that not too many want to talk about. I really do not want to talk about it either-but, I need to in order for all of you to understand how truly sick he is and why I finally had to walk away from ALL the insanities I lived with being married to Kevin.
We were on the waiting list for housing at Fort Belvoir, VA so we had to rent a home for a year until we were able to get on post. We finally found a townhome to rent in Woodbridge, VA. It was very nice but a very pricy rent. We did not have much choice, however, because rentals were scarce. So, we moved in and the children seem to settle in nicely to their new environment. Our children still had their British accents they had developed from school in England, so they were a hit at their new schools. Kevin started working at Fort Belvoir with his new Topography masters and I did most of the unpacking, meeting of the neighbors and settling in as a volunteer at the children’s schools. Life was calm and dare I say-happy. It seemed like we had walked away from a horrible nightmare and I just wanted to leave all the bad memories behind and start fresh.
Being that I am an optimist, I really felt like things were going to turn around in our relationship until the night Kevin woke me out of a deep sleep.
I looked over at him and he was wide awake. I asked what was wrong and he said, "Do you remember that girl Kendra that you asked about at Fort Lenordwood? I nodded my head. Then Kevin started crying. I sat up abruptly and stared at him and said-"What is going on Kevin?" He looked at me and told me that he had an affair with her. The knot in my stomach hurt worse than any punch he inflicted himself. I did not say a word. I just stared at him. I did not cry, I did not scream, I did not turn away. I just kept staring at him so hard that he turned away, got out of bed, and told me he was going to sleep on the couch. I watched his back leave the room and then I lay calmly down on my pillow. No tears fell from my eyes. Not one emotion I could describe. I became immobilized in a trance of staring at the ceiling. I refuse to let my mind think or my heart feel. I refuse to allow my broken heart respond to anything. I just stared at the ceiling and did not realize how long I just laid there wide awake until the sun started to rise. I methodically got up out of bed, went downstairs to make coffee, and Kevin was in the kitchen. He looked at me and said, "How are you?" Hmmmm....how was I? I did not know nor could I give an answer to him. I poured my coffee and walked into the living room and sat on the couch still staring. Kevin walked in and said he was going to work-and asked if I needed anything on his way home. I did not look at him, I did not answer him...I just kept staring at the window. So, he left. I went through the motions of getting the kids up and ready for school not giving a hint to the children that I was dealing with so much hatred in my mind for their father. I faked a smile, a laugh, and drove them to school. Walked them to the door, talked to the same mothers I saw every morning and then gave the kids kisses goodbye and went back home. I made another pot of coffee and sat down and for the first time alone in our home-I cried, I screamed out loud, I went to our bedroom and ripped our bed sheets of the bed in frenzy and just cried...I just soulfully cried like I have never cried before. Kevin had betrayed my trust before by promising to never hit me, to always love me and protect me. But this was a different kind of betrayal, a different kind of hurt. I had given my body to him and he abused it....I had given my heart to him and now he abused that too. It almost hurt more than the physical pain because I always had a hope that my love for Kevin and his proclaimed love for me would eventually overcome our arguments but now my emotional love had been crushed severely and I did not know what to do.
"Tearless grief bleeds inwardly." ~Christian Nevell Bovee 

Kevin called me non-stop from work and I would not answer the phone. I was not going to help make him feel better as I had done so many times before and I wanted him to worry about me for once. I was always the strong-hold in our relationship-the encourager-the positive thinker. A different side of Catherine was developing and the new Catherine was becoming bitter, angry and wise. Fuck HIM rang through my mind over and over again. For the very first time, I was angrier than I had ever been in my life and my desire to be a "good wife" was dwindling severely fast.
I made sure the children did not know that I was a wreck. We went through the same evening routine of homework, bath, and bedtime rituals. I was thankful Kevin worked late. Looking back he wanted me to deal with all of this by myself because my past pattern was to pretend like nothing was wrong and just deal with it in my own mind. He was not a "real' man but a man that hid behind his uniform and his computer. Kevin did eventually come home and being that I had not slept the night before; I was surprised that I was still wide awake. I wanted to be in control of my thoughts and sleeping would have taken that control away from me.
I was sitting on the couch when he walked in. he said in a really cheerful voice-"you look alot better today and I got us something." I slowly turned a looked at him and said "oh yay a gift” in a real sarcastic voice. He brushed off my tone and pulled out a red bottle of wine. WHAT? First you tell me that you betray me and now you want to celebrate your infidelity and unfaithfulness with a bottle of wine- Is what my mind said, but my voice did not say a word. Kevin opened the bottle and handed me a glass and said. "I know we have not had a romantic evening in a long time so I thought you could go take a bath and drink your wine and I will make some appetizers." I took the glass chugged down the whole glass in one drink and handed my glass back to him for some more. He looked at me stunned a little and said as he poured me another glass, "Does that sound like you would like that?" I chugged again and handed him my glass for a third refill. Then he looked at me and said, "What are you doing? I chugged the third glass and stood up and boldly looked him in the eyes and said, "Don't patronize me Kevin." "You want to get me calm and tipsy so you can f- me to make me feel better, but it is to make YOU feel better." "So, come on and lets gets this over with because I am really, really tired and not in the mood for games." So we both walked upstairs and he had sex with me while I just laid there feeling nothing-NOTHING! Then, I asked him to leave and go sleep in the guestroom and he did.
Kevin did not try to touch me sexually again. We settled back into our normal routine. I was cordial to Kevin and things remained calm for a few months. The kids were doing well in school and I had started working out at the local Golds gym. I felt alive again and in control of myself. Kevin was not hurting me with words or actions and I was stronger. I was approached by one of the trainers at Golds Gym and they asked if I would be interested in getting certified as a kick-box instructor. At first, I hesitated but I felt so much more confident these days, that I did get my certifications and started teaching classes. Every day that I went in to teach the class, I felt so ALIVE and confident. What a great class to teach after all the abuses I had been through. I also was certified in step and started Pilates. I approached the owner with a class called "Family Fitness" and she accepted my proposal so I launched that class as well. My kids loved to go that class and would brag that their Mom was the instructor. Kevin would occasionally come and things were turning around. I was taking control of my life and my confidence. It felt awesome.
One evening however, Kevin told me that he needed to talk to me about something serious. He told me he was feeling tired lately and sick to his stomach. I was concerned of course and told him that he needed to go to the doctors. He looked at me and said, "I can't" Confused I asked him why.
Please tune into my next blog entry, 
Rape by the actions of Col. Kevin Landers 
as I think it very important that you know why Kevin could not go to the doctor and what he asked me to do. It is one of the most degrading things I have ever done for the father of my children.

“Sex is full of lies. The body tries to tell the truth. But, it's usually too battered with rules to be heard, and bound with pretenses so it can hardly move. We cripple ourselves with lies.” Jim Morrisson