After the last incident when Kevin pleaded with me to not leave him in England-Things had calmed down quite alot. I was so relived of the fact that he did not hurt me for awhile.
What I learned later is that Kevin had the fortitude and strength to not hit me or verbally abuse me. He had proven that to me with his actions. He WAS in control of his emotions and it was not my fault that he pushed me around. But being physically pushed around is not the only abuse I faced with him. I found out of a different kind of manipulation and abuse that not too many want to talk about. I really do not want to talk about it either-but, I need to in order for all of you to understand how truly sick he is and why I finally had to walk away from ALL the insanities I lived with being married to Kevin.
We were on the waiting list for housing at Fort Belvoir, VA so we had to rent a home for a year until we were able to get on post. We finally found a townhome to rent in Woodbridge, VA. It was very nice but a very pricy rent. We did not have much choice, however, because rentals were scarce. So, we moved in and the children seem to settle in nicely to their new environment. Our children still had their British accents they had developed from school in England, so they were a hit at their new schools. Kevin started working at Fort Belvoir with his new Topography masters and I did most of the unpacking, meeting of the neighbors and settling in as a volunteer at the children’s schools. Life was calm and dare I say-happy. It seemed like we had walked away from a horrible nightmare and I just wanted to leave all the bad memories behind and start fresh.
Being that I am an optimist, I really felt like things were going to turn around in our relationship until the night Kevin woke me out of a deep sleep.
I looked over at him and he was wide awake. I asked what was wrong and he said, "Do you remember that girl Kendra that you asked about at Fort Lenordwood? I nodded my head. Then Kevin started crying. I sat up abruptly and stared at him and said-"What is going on Kevin?" He looked at me and told me that he had an affair with her. The knot in my stomach hurt worse than any punch he inflicted himself. I did not say a word. I just stared at him. I did not cry, I did not scream, I did not turn away. I just kept staring at him so hard that he turned away, got out of bed, and told me he was going to sleep on the couch. I watched his back leave the room and then I lay calmly down on my pillow. No tears fell from my eyes. Not one emotion I could describe. I became immobilized in a trance of staring at the ceiling. I refuse to let my mind think or my heart feel. I refuse to allow my broken heart respond to anything. I just stared at the ceiling and did not realize how long I just laid there wide awake until the sun started to rise. I methodically got up out of bed, went downstairs to make coffee, and Kevin was in the kitchen. He looked at me and said, "How are you?" Hmmmm....how was I? I did not know nor could I give an answer to him. I poured my coffee and walked into the living room and sat on the couch still staring. Kevin walked in and said he was going to work-and asked if I needed anything on his way home. I did not look at him, I did not answer him...I just kept staring at the window. So, he left. I went through the motions of getting the kids up and ready for school not giving a hint to the children that I was dealing with so much hatred in my mind for their father. I faked a smile, a laugh, and drove them to school. Walked them to the door, talked to the same mothers I saw every morning and then gave the kids kisses goodbye and went back home. I made another pot of coffee and sat down and for the first time alone in our home-I cried, I screamed out loud, I went to our bedroom and ripped our bed sheets of the bed in frenzy and just cried...I just soulfully cried like I have never cried before. Kevin had betrayed my trust before by promising to never hit me, to always love me and protect me. But this was a different kind of betrayal, a different kind of hurt. I had given my body to him and he abused it....I had given my heart to him and now he abused that too. It almost hurt more than the physical pain because I always had a hope that my love for Kevin and his proclaimed love for me would eventually overcome our arguments but now my emotional love had been crushed severely and I did not know what to do.
"Tearless grief bleeds inwardly." ~Christian Nevell Bovee
Kevin called me non-stop from work and I would not answer the phone. I was not going to help make him feel better as I had done so many times before and I wanted him to worry about me for once. I was always the strong-hold in our relationship-the encourager-the positive thinker. A different side of Catherine was developing and the new Catherine was becoming bitter, angry and wise. Fuck HIM rang through my mind over and over again. For the very first time, I was angrier than I had ever been in my life and my desire to be a "good wife" was dwindling severely fast.
I made sure the children did not know that I was a wreck. We went through the same evening routine of homework, bath, and bedtime rituals. I was thankful Kevin worked late. Looking back he wanted me to deal with all of this by myself because my past pattern was to pretend like nothing was wrong and just deal with it in my own mind. He was not a "real' man but a man that hid behind his uniform and his computer. Kevin did eventually come home and being that I had not slept the night before; I was surprised that I was still wide awake. I wanted to be in control of my thoughts and sleeping would have taken that control away from me.
I was sitting on the couch when he walked in. he said in a really cheerful voice-"you look alot better today and I got us something." I slowly turned a looked at him and said "oh yay a gift” in a real sarcastic voice. He brushed off my tone and pulled out a red bottle of wine. WHAT? First you tell me that you betray me and now you want to celebrate your infidelity and unfaithfulness with a bottle of wine- Is what my mind said, but my voice did not say a word. Kevin opened the bottle and handed me a glass and said. "I know we have not had a romantic evening in a long time so I thought you could go take a bath and drink your wine and I will make some appetizers." I took the glass chugged down the whole glass in one drink and handed my glass back to him for some more. He looked at me stunned a little and said as he poured me another glass, "Does that sound like you would like that?" I chugged again and handed him my glass for a third refill. Then he looked at me and said, "What are you doing? I chugged the third glass and stood up and boldly looked him in the eyes and said, "Don't patronize me Kevin." "You want to get me calm and tipsy so you can f- me to make me feel better, but it is to make YOU feel better." "So, come on and lets gets this over with because I am really, really tired and not in the mood for games." So we both walked upstairs and he had sex with me while I just laid there feeling nothing-NOTHING! Then, I asked him to leave and go sleep in the guestroom and he did.
Kevin did not try to touch me sexually again. We settled back into our normal routine. I was cordial to Kevin and things remained calm for a few months. The kids were doing well in school and I had started working out at the local Golds gym. I felt alive again and in control of myself. Kevin was not hurting me with words or actions and I was stronger. I was approached by one of the trainers at Golds Gym and they asked if I would be interested in getting certified as a kick-box instructor. At first, I hesitated but I felt so much more confident these days, that I did get my certifications and started teaching classes. Every day that I went in to teach the class, I felt so ALIVE and confident. What a great class to teach after all the abuses I had been through. I also was certified in step and started Pilates. I approached the owner with a class called "Family Fitness" and she accepted my proposal so I launched that class as well. My kids loved to go that class and would brag that their Mom was the instructor. Kevin would occasionally come and things were turning around. I was taking control of my life and my confidence. It felt awesome.
One evening however, Kevin told me that he needed to talk to me about something serious. He told me he was feeling tired lately and sick to his stomach. I was concerned of course and told him that he needed to go to the doctors. He looked at me and said, "I can't" Confused I asked him why.
Please tune into my next blog entry,
Rape by the actions of Col. Kevin Landers
as I think it very important that you know why Kevin could not go to the doctor and what he asked me to do. It is one of the most degrading things I have ever done for the father of my children.
“Sex is full of lies. The body tries to tell the truth. But, it's usually too battered with rules to be heard, and bound with pretenses so it can hardly move. We cripple ourselves with lies.” Jim Morrisson
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