A brief review of my last post. Kevin had thrown me across the room as my body slammed into the corner of the fireplace. Kevin weighed 190lbs and I weighed all of 110lbs so he outweighed me by 80lbs. His fury and adrenaline easily launched me into the air and across the room. My face scraped across the rug and the fireplace stopped me abruptly. As I regained conscience, I crawled acroos the floor towards the bathroom. I sat in the bathroom with Kevin on the other side of the door, I was sickened by how I looked. He was crying on the other side of the door and I told him to just leave me alone. I could hear Kevin leave and drag upstairs to our bedroom. I would not be following him and he knew this. I washed my face and when the soap hit my upper lip, the scrap burned. I did not realize that skin had been broken on my face. I thought the blood was from my head. I touched my head and I could feel the blood already drying into my hair. I could smell it and I could taste it. I knew then that I was truly a lost soul because I would not bring myself to call the police or tell someone. The recent email I sent resonated in my mind that no one may listen to me. That I was exaggerating, or God forbid-lying about a soldier I helped support and protect. My illness was growing in that I thought I was protecting my family but my silence was slowing killing all of our self worth. If only I could have seen the damage that I see now that it has caused me and my children. I would have stood up and taken a stance but back then. I did not have the confidence or the strength. I was afraid and for the first time-ALONE.
I decided to take a shower to try to wash off the filth and hate I felt for him and for me. As I washed my hair, clumps of hair came out in my fingers. I started crying. Clumps of hair falling out was devastating to me and I kept trying to gain my composure but my hair loss symbolized that with each day...I was falling more and more apart. I fell asleep on the couch and woke up to get the children off to school. Kevin was already gone and I was thankful for that. I tried to hide the rug scrape above my upper lip with foundation but each time I talked or smiled the scrape would crack and I could feel the clear juice oozing from my lips. So I lied to people when they asked what happened to my face. I told them that I was playing basketball with the kids and I got hit really hard in the face. I thought I sounded really convincing but I realized that not too many bought my story....especially the children who heard everything. I found out one evening a few nights later how concerned people were about me and the children. Kevin showed his true colors again and this time people started to take notice and were going to take a stance to do something about it.
We were invited to an informal family dinner. I told Kevin I was not going to anymore functions as I started to become reclusive. Kevin's anger for me had increased with the scrap across my face and the fact that I had to pull my hair up because of the bald patches on my head. It was like he was mad at me for making him do this to me and he was very good at making me believe that it was my fault. So, Kevin took the children to the party. I could see all the people from our bedroom window as the party was right across the street. My friend Sue walked into my house unknown to me and insisted that I come. She would not take no for an answer so I put on a baseball cap and tried to cover up my face. As I walked in the house, Kevin was standing in the middle of the room. His words stung so deeply in my soul because he had never verbally degraded me in public like this before. He said, "Oh great-look who is here. The scant whore of the neighborhood." the room became silent and I just froze. I did not speak, I did not move, I did not cry. I was stunned. I just put my head down and walked outside. I do not know what was said to Kevin but he bolted out of the house and stomped home. Sue and my friend Debbie told me to just stay at the party and give Kevin space so I did. The kids had fun, of maybe they tried to. I could not help to not think what I was going to walk home to but the time got late and it was time for me to go so once again I knocked on our front door and the door was locked. He locked me out again with our 4 little children leaning against me tired and wanting to go to bed. It was so degrading and I once again just had a stoned look on my face. I walked back to the party and told my friend that Kevin locked me and the children out again. I stayed overnight at their home with the kids and the next day they approached me with a place ticket to go back to the states. It was an emergency ticket funded by the British military and it could be reimbursed if I changed my mind, but I was encouraged to go home to my immediate family. I did not know what to say. So many things were running through my mind...I asked them if I could just think for a few days. Something I regret today. Kevin found out about it and he cried and begged and promised he would be better.
So many of you out there- I know what you are thinking-"why in the hell would she stay with a monster like that???" The solution should be easy right??? It was not. I was terrified. I was beaten down verbally and told that I would never survive. I was told that if I ever left him that he would make my life a living hell. I believed all of these things as he proved to be capable of trying to destroy everything and everyone I loved. Be frustrated with me as I still am frustrated with me till this day, but please understand-it is so easy to look in the windows of a life and say what you would do. It is not that easy when you live that life every day. I also looked through that same window and wondered IF I could survive. So, having said that-I stayed with Kevin and today, I know that choice became a slow prison and hell for me and the children.
My journey is starting to close on England as I cannot write about all the pushes, slaps and words said to me each day. I am trying to focus on the main events. Please follow me to Woodbridge, Va as more abuse, pornography, and hate grows within my marriage to LTC. Kevin Landers Sr.“Within yourself deliverance must be searched for, because each man makes his own prison." Edwin Arnold
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