It was the night of December 26th, 2004 that made me realize that I had to do something about my marriage with Kevin.
Kevin and I had gotten into a fight in his downstairs office at our Hammersley Road Fayetteville NC home. He was in a foul mood and wanting to argue. Our kids were upstairs and I tried to keep the argument quiet. Kevin started screaming at me and pushed me hard. I almost fell, but held my ground as I approached him. I yelled, “Don’t touch me you asshole!” My 14 year old son- came running down the stairs and postured himself in his dad's office. He screamed at his father, “Don’t touch her! Leave her alone!” I turned and looked stunned in my son’s direction. He was typically shy and did not say much. He feared his father and cowered most of the time when Kevin Sr. entered the room. Kevin Sr. was mean to his son. K.J. is a quiet, soft spoken soul. He does not initiate confrontation and definitely thinks before he speaks. His father would view him as “weak.” Sometimes, when "K" father helped him with homework, he would bring "K". to tears with his degrading words. His father would tell me how he did not want K.J. to be "dorky" like he was at Hicksville, NY High School. I felt sorry for my son, but dare not interrupt his father. Kevin Sr. despised his son and believed boys should be hard, muscular, and intimidating. Everything that Kevin, Sr. never was. "K" was none of those things and his father hated it. So, when our son "K" came into the office with fists clenched, both Kevin Sr. and I were shocked. I could see the look on my son’s face. It was a face full of fear, sadness and anger. He was there to protect his mom and he knew by taking that stance, there was going to be consequences. Kevin Sr. turned slowly to his son and said with clenched teeth, “What did you just say to me?” His voice was slow and evil sounding. Spit was coming out of his mouth as he pushed every word out of his clenched teeth. "K" said “fuck you” and ran up the stairs to his bedroom. His father chased him up the stairs and I started screaming, “Leave him alone..Leave him alone…Don’t hurt him…don’t hurt him!” Our son was able to lock his bedroom door and Kevin pounded on the other side saying, “You think you’re tough? You think you’re tough? Open the door you son of a bitch! I’ll show you tough. NO ONE speaks to me like that in this house!” I kept pleading with Kevin Sr. “Please just calm down. Please don't hurt him!” Kevin Sr. did not hear me. His mission was to punish his son for defending his mom. This was not about my sons choice of words. It was about a boy who viewed his mom as a woman that did not deserve the hits, being thrown across rooms, thrown down stairs and the numerous punches his father had inflicted to the back of my head and body. For the first time in my marriage, I feared for the physical safety of one of my kids. If Kevin Sr. got through that door, he was going to hurt our son and I could not let that happen. I could hear our son crying and pleading with me to stop his dad. Suddenly I blocked out all noise. I heard nothing. All I saw was Kevin Sr. pounding on the door as I turned to my left and looked into Megan's bedroom. Both of the girl's were on a bed crying and everything started to move slowly. I became methodical in my thoughts even though everything around me was happening so fast. I saw a red wooden bat in the corner of the frils room and I thought, if Kevin gets through that door, I am going to grab the bat and then? Then, I would do what ever I needed to do to protect my children. I screamed as loud as I could, “If you touch any of them, I will kill you!” Kevin snapped back to look at me. I am not sure what he saw on my face, but he backed away from the door. He was out of breath and then he got a hold of himself. I could still hear the children whimpering in their rooms as Kevin casually walked passed me and as he did, he shoulder-shucked my body and I slammed into the wall. His "shuck" knocked the breath out of me. Kevin stood at the top of the stairs and screamed at me and our children, "All of you just leave me alone!!" I caught my breath and went to "K" bedroom door. I told him that his dad was gone and it was safe to open the door. I walked in "K" room, and "J", my 8 year old, crawled out from under his bed and K.J. just stared at me. I did not have words. I just stood there. The girls joined us in their brother’s room as we all just sat in silence in our own thoughts.
Just for a moment we all froze and tried to understand the WHY? I took a long time tucking the kids into bed that night. The children cried and I hugged, but not too many words. I then went to my own bed and locked the door. I knew Kevin would not come to bed. I laid there and for the first time that evening I cried. Images ran through my mind. I thought about how the evening could have ended up. The “what if’s” started to haunt my mind. What if Kevin did break down the door? What if he did hurt my children? What if I did grab the bat? What would have happened? It was total insanity and it had gone too far. I could take the verbal and physical blows but I could not allow the physical abuse to happen to my kids.
It was time to verbalize my thoughts for the first time and make changes. I reassured myself that Kevin would be deploying soon and I could start making a plan, but I was terrified. As I went to lie over on my side, a pain shot through my shoulder. The bruise from being shucked into the wall was starting to throb. Of course after 17 years of severe beatings, this bruise was “mild” in comparison to the others. I fell into a deep sleep but my dreams were haunting and my sleep was disturbed. It was time to take a stance but I had no direction. Would I head to the North, stay in the South, return east or venture West? I did not know. I just knew I wanted to go a direction of FRREDOM- FREE from his abuses to my body; FREE from his abuses to my mind; FREE from his abuses to my spirit; AND FREE from his abuses to my CHILDREN. The children were recognizing dad’s behavior as normal.
The next day, Kevin was gone. I don’t remember where he went or why, but he left. The kids and I tried to get back on track by organizing their new Christmas gifts. Please recall, I was still talking to John at this point. I shared nothing with him about my abuses up to this point. I had told
John that my marriage had challenges "like everyone else". But it was much more than just “like everyone else”. I was too embarrassed at this point to reveal ALL my abuse secrets with anyone. Especially not with the man that I respected. Not the man that Kevin had referred to as "someone I want to be like". Kevin shared with his sister Kelly how happy he was that she had ended up marrying a wonderful man. Kevin had often joked with me how he had no idea how anyone-much less John- could tolerate his sister's behavior. John was not and is not perfect. But he was admired by me and my husband. Admired for his role as husband; as father; as provider. Everyone respected John. Kevin's family often told Kelly, "Stop being like you are or 'he will leave you". Our family had already planned a trip to Georgia to exchange gifts with Kevin’s family. I
was hesitant, but our kids were looking forward to seeing their cousins and grandparents. So I kept my head up. We did celebrate Christmas with Kevin’s parents and spent a day with Kevin’s sister Kelly and her husband John. Kevin’s brother Brian and his wife Suzie joined us along with ALL 11 children from the family. It really was a good visit. I had my “winter wear” on early in the day but as the GA weather warmed, I found myself in a sleeveless top, blue jeans and shooting hoops with Brian, Kelly, John and Kevin’s dad. Typical of John, he inquired about a bruise that I had on my arm (deltoid for you who know). I just looked at him and in my mind I went back in time to that moment when Kevin shoulder-shucked me into the wall. I answered “Nothing! Just
nothing!” But, I could tell by the look on John’s face that he and others did not believe me. Then I walked away from the basketball game and checked on the kids. I became very distant from everyone. My body was present but my mind was reeling. I tried to laugh and have fun with everyone else, but I was pretending just like I had for all these years. I became the great pretender.
All this time had passed and I knew it was over for Kevin and I. Heck-it had been over for years. He and I both knew that we did not like each other anymore. I tried…Lord knows I tried really hard to make him happy. But I learned that no one can be happy unless they choose to love
their self; Unless they grow to not hate themselves. It was not my fault anymore. But the pain of
our failing marriage was deep and my plan to not show my tears on the outside was failing. I felt so alone even though I was in a room full of Kevin’s family. I was still lonely in my own hell and I was terrified to break free. I knew Kevin would make it very difficult for me. I believed him when he told me, "If you ever leave me, I will make your life a living hell." I would be alone. I was already alone. I had been ALONE for years.
Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible
poverty. - Mother Teresa
Kevin was good on his word to make my freedom from him a battle that tortured more than just me. It tortured our children and we all have scars from this plight. I NEVER thought my divorce from Kevin would be a torturous battle between two people that did not like each other anymore. I learned later that in his mind, I was his property and I was not allowed to leave unless he said I could. So, I will go into more detail on what happened when Kevin did deploy. I had no idea that his beatings were literally killing my brain. As unpopular as it was, I saved my own life by leaving a man that refused to change. I must share my story in order to give others HOPE. A life
with no hope is dead. This HOPE is why I am writing this blog right now.
“You must constantly ask yourself these questions: Who am I around? What are they doing to me? What have they got me reading? What have they got me saying? Where do they have me going? What do they have me thinking? And most important, what do they have me becoming?
Then ask yourself the big question: Is that okay? Your life does not get better by chance, it gets better by change.” Jim Rohn
rest...regroup...return
No comments:
Post a Comment