Destruction begins......

“The sudden disappointment of a hope leaves a scar which the ultimate fulfillment of that hope never entirely removes.”
So, here the path moves forward down a road of destruction. Kevin was attending Farmingdale community college in NY. I was working at Goldman Brothers. I did like working with the men and women at Goldman Brothers. Vinney, Stan, Howard, and Christine were my favorite people. They kind of put their arms around me and helped me work in an atmosphere with the "New York" mentality of abrasiveness. Being that I came from a small town where everyone asked about your family and Mama and Papa, I was not used to the harshness of a big town mentality. I worked at Goldman Bros. for about 4 months and then Kevin needed a landscape partner. I told him that I could handle the job. He kind of laughed at me and said-"no way...the work is too hard for a woman to handle....Being that I am a farm girl from Mountain Home, Arkansas-" I looked at him and said-"I can drive and repair a tractor, haul hay, chop weeds with a reaper, and push a lawn mower over acres of rock land." So, he looked at me and said-"you have the job." It was so great back then. We seem to work well together, but there were moments of outbursts of anger, and temper tantrums by him. I was not afraid back then, but I remember knowing that he had some lack of control with his anger.

Kevin decided that he wanted to further his career in Landscape Architect, so he got accepted to the University of Georgia. I was supportive of him wanting to strive for something he loved, so we moved to Athens, Ga. It was kind of scary but exciting as well. We rented a house but we had a hard time with Kevin's tuition. Jim and Becky did offer to help pay for his education, but Kevin was firm on his stance that he did not want them to pay for his education at all. He told me that he did not want them to pay for anything because they would hold it over his head. I asked him why he felt this way and this is what he said. He told me that he did not trust his mom because she was a gossip especially after church, He told me times where they would go to church and pretend to be good Christians, but on the way home, his mom would talk about how other people dressed, or gossip about everyone. I remember Kevin told me that he did not trust her with anything. He also told me that he did not want his father to help us because Jim would praise himself to everyone else and take credit for Kevin's education. So, Kevin got loans and we both worked allot. Money was tight but we seemed to be happy.

Kevin always had a fascination with the military. He would admire the ROTC guys that he would see on campus and one day he said he wanted to join. I knew it was important to him and I truly loved him, so I did not hesitate to support his pursuit to be an officer in the army. As money got tighter, we moved onto campus into family housing. It was not planned, but I got pregnant with my first son. It was scary and exciting at the same time. Kevin was still going to school and working part time and I was a manager at a hand-painted basket shop and would paint baskets for extra money. I felt like we were happy......Kevin was almost done with school, we were going to have a baby, and we had our whole future ahead of us until the night he hit me for the first time. Let me start with this-I loved Kevin Landers with all my heart. I wanted to eventually finish my education and be "somebody" but I wanted to stand by my man...support him, love him, and be proud of our lives together. I was happy to be a mom, and move forward into any challenges we would have together. But then there was the first hit-

I was standing in our small kitchen in family, campus housing. I was about 6 months pregnant and I was cooking dinner. I remember he was in a really bad mood about a grade he got. I cannot remember the words said but I do remember that I looked at him and told him to calm down and stop yelling....to get control of himself...the next thing I remember I was on the floor and sting on my face. A shocking feeling that went through me. I had to register what just happened as I touched my burning cheek. I asked him-"did you just hit me?" He looked flustered and said-"I am just under allot of stress with the baby coming and all and I am so sorry" I remember that I just look at him.......and I said...”my own father has never slapped me in the face....." I was stunned, humiliated, hurt, and confused....and then I was pregnant. In a weird way, I kept thinking that I was more hurt that he hit me when I was pregnant. As if it would have been ok if I was not carrying our baby. I went to the bedroom, but no tears came...just a stunned feeling......and then he came to me with a script that would continue over the next 17 years. It was repeated as follows-"I am sorry, I am just in a bad mood and I saw orange and don't remember hitting you and that if I would just stop yelling at me that I would not be so mad." He said that he did not mean to hit me and it would never happen again. Seeing the tears in his eyes, in my sickness, I felt sorry for him. So at that moment, I allowed the abuse to continue....

There was a good period of time before the next hit came. We were focused on having our first baby and thrilled to be parents. We had no medical insurance as Kevin was not officially in the army yet, but we managed with the medical bills until our baby was born. On the day of of my induction into labor, our baby went into stress. I watched his heartbeat drop drastically until it hit zero. Kevin jr.'s heartbeat stopped and then the frantic state in the hospital room escalated. An emergency c-section was done and our baby's life was spared. We were so thankful and happy to have our son and Kevin was very attentive to me. He was still in school, but with my mom there to help, we made it through the first few days of a crazy schedule. Then the medical bills came and we were not prepared for the amount of money it took to bring our baby into this world. As I said, we had no insurance and the stress level over finances escalated. 3 weeks after our first son was born was born, we moved to Fort Lenorwood, Missouri. Kevin had officers basic to go through and our stay there was for only 6 months. Because we could not get on post, we had to rent an apartment-an added expense that added to the stress on money. I hated the apartment we lived in. I did not feel safe there and Kevin was gone allot. Having a new baby to care for, I felt isolated. I remember that one night Kevin got home late and he was in a bad mood. I was also in a bad mood. I was feeling frustrated and just wanted to get out of the apartment without the baby and go to the only store they had in that town-24 hour Wal-Mart. I asked Kevin if it would be ok and he literally started yelling at me and saying that he was tired and just wanted to relax and not have to take care of our baby. I looked at him and said-"I just need a break.....I just want to go to Wal-Mart and walk around and I won't spend any money." So we started arguing and he pushed me into the kitchen counter-hard! It knocked the breath out of me and I was once again shocked. I started screaming at him and telling him that he was a liar, that he said he would never hit me again. And right then, I felt my head snap and then the sting on my face.......I started to cry and then our baby started to cry and I looked at Kevin and said." I am going to Wal-Mart and I am bringing our son with me." Kevin did not try to stop me and he became almost solemn. (I did however find out that Kevin was late because he went to a strip club.) It was strange to me. I just loaded up the baby trying to fight back the tears and I left and went to Wal-Mart. Why did I not call the police then? Why did I not leave for good? I loved him-yes. I wanted him to grow old with me. We just had a child together. And yes-I was afraid I would be alone, but today I know that the choices I made back then altered everything that I liked about me. It altered my integrity and my confidence...I questioned every action or non-reaction that I should have taken responsibility for. I was not as strong or confident as I thought or wanted to be and I allowed ONE man to beat me down physically and mentally.......stay with me on this transformation as the abuse and sickness grows and the hits become beatings, resulting in the permanent neurological damage that LTC. Kevin Landers has scared me with for the rest of my life......

After Fort Lenorwood Missouri, we got stationed at Ft. Benning Georgia. In my mind, I thought the move would be good for us. I told myself that tension was high with Kevin attending officers basic at Fort Lenordwood and now that he was an 'official" officer, things would calm down for him.

Our medical debts were still very high from almost losing our son and we struggled financially for a long time. Although we had free housing, a regular paycheck and military benefits now, we still had medical bills and loads of credit debt because we had to pay for any medical expenses on credit as we had no money. We also had to buy furniture and home items for our home and the new baby. We had a hard time keeping up with it all. Bill collectors were always on our backs and it was very hard to keep our heads above water. Our food list was very limited as we hate lots of rice, potatoes, beans and cereal. We had a hard time buying diapers and formula as those are very expensive. I told Kevin that maybe I could get a little part time job, but he insisted that we both agreed that I was to stay at home with our children. So, I applied for food stamps and got accepted for a brief period. Kevin was livid when he found out I did this. He said "do you know embarrassing this is being that I am an officer now to go to the store and use these coupons?" I simply looked at him and said "I am the one who has to plan the meals, buy the food, and feed this family...I'm not embarrassed and neither should you be." Once again the same push with that familiar burn on my face occurred. He backhanded me the hardest that he ever had before and my nose started to bleed. I did not even cry. I just slowly tuned my face back towards him and told him I was washing my face and then going to buy food to feed us. I did wash my face but I had a hard time looking at myself in the mirror. I was ashamed. Not ashamed for not speaking up...ashamed for allowing Kevin to hit me, again. I put our little baby down for a nap, grabbed my purse, did not say goodbye to Kevin and I got in our pickup truck. It was when I pulled out of his sight that I cried. I hated this...all of it. It was then that I started to second guess myself. Maybe I should have asked him first if I could apply for food stamps (only knowing he would say no). Maybe I was too harsh in my stance to make sure I was going to do what it took to have more money for food. Maybe he was in a bad mood and I should have known it...maybe, maybe, maybe.....it was me. So at this very moment in my mind- my independence, confidence and strong will started to make me question everything that I liked about myself. At this moment, without knowing it then, I started to become the martyr, the silent voice...the VICTIM of abuse.

Things calmed down for awhile after Kevin got adjusted to his duties as a soldier. I also started to get adjusted to the demands of being a mom and a military spouse and I did enjoy being a part of the family support group and loved all the military families in our unit. I discovered I was pregnant with our second child-Megan. We were thrilled to have our small family begin to grow and our son Kevin was very excited to have a sibling to play with. Kevin was very attentive to me and I really liked his generous attention towards me, the pregnancy, and the new life we were trying to create together. We were "happy" once again and for that I was relived. What I realized later was that as long as Kevin was happy then all of us were happy. The mood of our home was based on his behavior and moods. But, at that moment in time, things were good.Our second child, a girl, was born in October, 1992 and there were no difficulties at all. She was a beautiful baby and I was so happy to have a daughter. Kevin sr. was extremely busy with the military going on deployments and field preparations that he was hardly home but I was fine with that. I accepted my role as a military spouse and I knew that for several months out of each year, I was for all intents, a single mom. There were outbursts of anger by Kevin and an occasional push or shove into a wall as he passed me, but in a sick way, I could live with those. At least he had not hit me or punch me again and I was as happy as I tried to be. We lived at Fort Benning for two years and then got re-stationed back to Fort Lenorwood. I was happy with that. It was a small post and I still had friends there and it was close to my parent’s home in Mountain Home. So, we were all excited about our move there. Life was good and I had a false sense of security just knowing that Kevin would not hurt me again. I could handle his yelling, temper tantrums, and unpredictable outburst in public but I justified once again that he just needed to find his place in life where he was happy and then his anger would lessen. I thought that if the kids stayed well behaved, the house was orderly, I stayed on his budget for me, he loved his job and I pleased him whenever or however he wanted than all would be ok. But, I later realized that no matter what I did, what I said or did not say how I treated him did not matter to him. What was most important to Kevin was control. Control over me, his career, his children, his reputation, and most of all-his need to make sure I knew where I stood and that was to be 10 steps walking behind him. If "Kevin world" wasn't going his way-he chose the one who was going to pay for it, and that was me. Bullies only try to control those who are weaker than them, and at this point, I would be reminded many times how much of a bully he really is.

Rest now...regroup...return soon.....