"Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words can never hurt you..."
Our move to Fort Lenordwood was a good move. No major problems and K.J. and Megan were thriving well.
We got assigned to our little duplex home and our neighborhood on Humphreys street was filled with wonderful people. We had a single man that shared the duplex with us. His name was Gill. His wife had died of cancer and he was healing, but he loved our kids. He was a sweet, quiet man and I will never forget his kindness to our children. I had made several friends back then and to this day we still all communicate through emails and facebook. In my mind it was a great transition for us and once again, I just knew Kevin sr. was not going to hurt me again. Kevin seemed happy in moments and things had calmed down for awhile.
I found out I was pregnant for the third time with Amanda. For the first time, this was a "planned" pregnancy. We always said we wanted 5 or 6 kids and we wanted our children to be close together in age. Kevin was extremely busy with the military and he also started masters in Business. Kevin and I talked many hours about our dreams to buy land in Tennessee, build a home and have land to grow our own trees, bushes, plants ect. for a landscaping business. Kevin felt like a business degree would be a smart move and I agreed. I also brought up to him that once he finished college that I would like to finish my education as well. He looked at me and said...'We will talk about that later...but right now, I need this master..."
This made me angry. I loved being a "stay-at-home" mom, but that was not all of who I was. I knew that I wanted to define who I was besides "Captain Kevin Landers" wife and the mother of his children. I knew there was more of me. So, Kevin once again convinced me that we could not afford for both of us to go to school, so being that I feared the consequences of arguing with him, I agreed.
I have always been very crafty and many people said to me that I should start my own business. I hesitated, but then I thought-why not??? I could make my own money and it could be an outlet for me. So I started making crafts. Back then, Americano crafts were big so I focused on making crafts for our military community. I called my business-Cat Crafts, and it flourished. Kevin got reassigned to a new unit at Fort Lenordwood and he had a new command team. The Ltc's wife at the time was in charge of the Officers Wives Club. She was a strong, tenacious woman and I admired her very much. She convinced me to work the Reservations table at the OWC luncheons and I could sell my crafts as well. As she would not take no for an answer, she also told me there was free babysitting, so I committed to a year to the Owc(officers wives club). It was alot of fun. My parents actually came and taught line dancing as entertainment one year and my mom and dad were a huge hit. Then, at the end of the year was the official Engineer luncheon. Engineer’s wives from all over the world came to this as Fort Lenordwood was "home" to Army Engineers. I was very nervous. I wanted to make sure I did a good job to impress the wives as I was the first person they saw when they walked through the door. I was in charge of name tags and making sure the "ladies" were seated properly and timely. Unfortunately, I had printed on a name tag, the wrong name. This beautiful, classy woman was very graceful about it and looked at me and said...”do not worry, I know who I am." I found out later that at that time, her husband was the highest ranked officer in the United States Engineer Army. I was stunned. I had never wore my husband’s (Kevin') rank and I did not get caught up in all the gossip. I apologized to this graceful woman and she was so sweet about it. That made me feel at ease so I went home and told Kevin. Bad idea. He was livid with me.... I remember the exact words as they echoed in my mind for years after-"are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Do you have any clue that this is my boss?" “What the hell is wrong with you?" "You are a nobody that will never amount to anything...” "you are just a stupid country girl and always will be." At that moment the words he said hurt more than any hit or punch he gave me. At that moment, in my sickness, I wished he would have hit me because the words hurt so much more. At that moment, I understood the meaning to "verbal abuse" and how it could be so much more painful than any physical hurt I could endure. I felt like dirt and that was what Kevin wanted me to feel like. I started to become lost in my own battle in my head and the degrading words by the man I loved and I trusted to love me back. "Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words will never hurt you..?" For the first time, by his own words, my bones felt broken.
I became distant from Kevin. I would make sure my "duties" were achomplished as his wife. Being a mom came naturally to me. I slowing started to build this imaginary wall around me. My instinct to protect myself started to kick in and although I knew I could not overpower him physically, mentally I could be in control...but I learned that he was very good at the game of degrading everything I held precious or took pride in about myself. My defense mechanisms were weak and he knew exactly what to say to bring me to my knees. If I did not go to my knees with words, he made sure I went down with his physical strength. I weighed 115 punds, he weighed 190. I could not and was not strong enough to overpower him. I was not walking on my own to feet anymore...I was walking on my knees and ducking when I could.....but, as time went on....I realized, the man that was suppose to be my "safegaurd" had become my enemy and I was going to go into a battle that I was not prepared for.
safeguard – "Safeguard. A safeguard is a detachment, guard, or detail posted by a commander for the protection of persons, places, or property of the enemy, or of a neutral affected by the relationship of belligerent forces in their prosecution of war or during circumstances amounting to a state of belligerency.
Rest...regroup...return....
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