The problem in defense is how far you can go without destroying from within what you are trying to defend from without. ~Dwight D. EisenhowerKevin had about 6 more credit hours in his Master's in Business Administration. I remember specifically that he came home from work on a Monday evening. At this point in our marriage, once again, we lived separate lives. He stayed busy with school and work, and I stayed busy with the children and volunteer work. He sat down on the couch and told me he had something he wanted to talk to me about. I was a little apprehensive because he rarely initiated a calm conversation unless he wanted something from me. So, I seated across from him and sat quiet. He seemed irritated and flustered but I knew it was not towards me. He struggled with his words and said he had a talk with his command, and there was a meeting, and he was not sure what to do...and I was confused. I said-"Kevin, just tell me what is going on." So, he looked me straight in the eyes and said that he had 24 hours to make a decision on whether he would accept an offer to deploy to England to start another Masters in Topographic Engineering. I had no idea what that was but my bigger confusion was why now??? So, I asked him a logical question-"Why would you walk away from your Business Masters with only 6 credit hours?" He got angry, which also confused me, and looked me in the eyes and firmly stated, "I am leaving with or without you and the kids, but I am moving to England, so make a decision." I just stared at him, with a loss of breath. I did not know what to say. My mind was racing. There was something wrong with all of this. I could not put my finger on it, but something was VERY wrong for Kevin's command to want him to take the assignment so quickly. I dare not ask any questions. But, I knew I had to make a decision. I could stay behind with the kids until he achieved his Masters in England, or I go with him. I was terrified to go and I was terrified to stay. I told him that I needed to think about it. With less than 24 hours now, time was running out and I was in a panic. I started staying busy around our home, trying to think logically. I weighed the pros and cons and realized that this could be my "easy way" out away from him. But I also knew that he would not let me go easily. Either way, Kevin was going. He said he had to choose, however, during a security clearance years later, I would learn the truth as to why Kevin was TOLD to move to England and change his career path.
So, Here I was once again in a circle trying to find a straight line to follow and there was none. I kept running in circles in my mind and decided I was going to stay behind with the kids. I convinced myself that it was because of the schools, and friends, and community but, you cannot lie to yourself. The main reason was that I did not want to live the life of an "abused, kept woman" anymore. I almost felt giddy that for the first time, I was going to be free.
Kevin continued to ask me throughout the evening, "Have you decided yet?" I could not bring myself to tell him my choice almost like I was waiting for just the right time knowing there was no right time. He was going to be mad and I was willing to take the beating only to be free of him for 1 year. At about 12:30 that Monday night, I told Kevin I was staying behind bracing for the anger to proceed, but it did not. Kevin started crying. He sat down and started crying really hard. I just looked at him shocked. In my compassionate spirit, I felt sorry for him. He just kept saying, "Please come with me...I don't want to go alone.' "I know I said I resented you and the kids, but I don't." "Just please come with me." He reached out to me and I looked down at his hand. I did not grab it. My mind was saying to not go, do not fall for this, do not be weak. So I told him, in a frantic voice, that it would be hard for the kids to adjust to a new school and home overseas. I told him that I would be fine and wait for him, that we will be ok. But, he would not listen. He kept crying and asked me to grab his hand. What a small gesture to grab someone’s hand. But, I knew that if I did, he would pull me towards him to break the distance between us. I knew that if he could get me close to him physically, that I would weaken emotionally and he knew that too. Kevin knew me VERY well and he used his knowledge of my strengths and weaknesses against me. I am stubborn, focused and loud, but I am also loyal, loving and compassionate. He knew that if I grabbed his hand that it would solidify my loyalty to him and I knew it to. One second, 2 seconds, 3 seconds, I just stared at his hand and closed my eyes as the tears started to fall down my face. In my mind, I knew what I was going to do and I resented ME for grabbing on once again to the man who would continue to make my life and the lives of the kids, a living hell. I reached out towards him and looked at him and said-"Kevin, you have got to stop beating me. Your hate for me is getting worse and the beatings are to. I am afraid you are going to kill me, so promise me you will stop." He kept saying over and over-"I promise never again. This is going to be a new start for all of us. I promise and I love you." Our fingers locked, and we were headed to England 3 weeks later.Rest...Regroup...Return...
This is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning.Winston Churchill
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