The closing chapter on Fort Lenorwood...

Kevin became very busy with his military career during the day and his college classes at night. On the weekends, Kevin would study if he was not doing field training, or extracurricular activities. It was all about "Kevin time" and I dare not complain as it would turn into another fight. It started to remind me about stories Kevin use to tell me about his father when he was feeling down about their relationship. He told me that Jim NEVER spent time with him or his family because if Jim was not working he was doing "church things" or playing sports. Kevin said he was very lonely for his father as a child and that his dad only gave him attention when it made "Jim/Kevin's father" look better. Kevin told me that his mom seemed lonely allot because Jim never spent time with her either and most of the time that his parents spent together Jim was correcting Becky and degrading her with words. My dear readers...do you see the pattern here?

I stayed very busy with the kids, my craft business and my volunteer work, but I did miss my husband. I really, truly wanted Kevin and me to stop the fighting and enjoy our happy moments, but the happy moments were very few in this moment in time and I made sure to try to stay away from Kevin as much as I could. I realized that the abuse quieted when Kevin was very busy so I at least embraced that he would not hurt me anymore.

Kevin and I were once again surprised with our fourth child. It was a pleasant shock and the older kids were excited so once again, I thought that maybe this was the event that was going to turn around our marriage. Maybe we could reunite as a 'happy" couple and the constant tension would calm down. The 9 months I was pregnant with Bogey were good. Kevin was still very busy and I was preparing for our new baby. Bofey was born on Sept. 28th, 1996. My oldest son was the most happy. He prayed for a little brother and he got one. Things were very good and I was in a real happy place with the kids. As usual, Kevin was busy doing "Kevin stuff." With four little children all under the age of 7, I had plenty to do to keep me busy and I was very happy at that moment. I noticed that Kevin was starting to withdraw a little more each day and I started to feel like he was overwhelmed being a dad of four. He would get home later at night and was on the computer early into the morning many times. I would get gut feelings, but I would deny my thoughts that he had time to do anything else than work or school. On the weekends he always had some military function to go to and he would tell me it was just for the soldiers but I knew alot of the wives in our unit and the functions that Kevin claimed were mandatory were not. I would ask him, and he would say that it was just a bunch of officers getting together for drinks but I started to find out that Kevin was lying. I waited for him one night and I asked him where he had been. He said he had drinks with some of the other officers, but when I told him I called one of the wives he turned and looked him with fury in his eyes. I asked what he was doing and he told me he would go to the library to study, but I knew the library closed at 9pm each night on post. I just stared at him and he could tell I did not believe him. He started screaming at me saying.."Don’t you get it? I can't stand being around you and the kids. All of you suck the life out of me and I will never go anywhere in my career if I stay here with all of you." I tried to hold back the tears because I hated for him to see that he hurt me, but the tears came and I screamed at him-"Then just get the f- out you a-hole." I did not see it coming, but all I remember was feeling like I had been kicked in the kidney and had a hard time catching my breath. He had shoved me as hard as he could into our dresser and my hips were just locked in pain. I could not even speak. I just started to cry and went to my knees and just kept saying, "just leave, just leave." He just stood over me and he said, "Well, you got your wish. I have a school to go to in Kansas. It was called Cascube and it was training for Captains in the army. Kevin told me that it was a 6 week school and that he may come home on the weekends and then he just walked away and went to the living room to watch TV. I just sat there still trying to catch my breath. I slowly stood up, changed into my pajamas and climbed in bed. I remember I just rolled over on my stomach and quietly cried hoping Kevin would not come to bed. When I woke up the next morning, Kevin had already left for work. I went to stand up and my hips and back were sore. I walked over to the vanity mirror and saw the bruise that ran across my hips and back from the dresser he shoved me in. I felt sick to my stomach for thinking that I could change a man that did not want to change. Then, I got dressed, got some coffee, and started getting me and the children ready to begin our day. This is where my real denial and sick acceptance set in my mind. Kevin made it clear that he despised me and felt like his role to play 'daddy" was holding him back from his goals. Our marriage was at a stand-still. He hated me, and I hated him. My role as his wife was to stand out of his way from doing whatever he wanted and my role as a mother of 4 beautiful kids was my main priority. The wall that I was slowly building in my mind with each abuse he inflicted on me had become a square box. I had literally shut Kevin out emotionally and I was going to use all the energy I had for my kids.

Kevin did go to Kansas and I started to realize that although it was hard sometimes dealing with a home and raising four kids, it not as stressful as it was when Kevin was home. I did not feel like I had to walk on eggshells when I heard him walk in the door not knowing what kind of mood he would be in. The kids seemed to be more at ease and for that moment in time, I think we were all happy Kevin was somewhere else because the children seem to cry less. I realized that as much as I tried to hide the fights and abuses from our young children-they knew and it frightened them so the atmosphere of our home without Kevin there was alot less stressful on the children as well. The 6 weeks went by quickly and Kevin was back home. His behavior was odder than it had been however. He seemed more frustrated, angrier since that assignment and it confused me. I thought maybe being away would calm him down but his behavior was erratic. We would be getting ready to sit down and eat dinner and he would not talk to any of us. I dare not ask what was wrong and then he would just push his plate away and say he had to go study and just hide in his office with the door shut. I knew that Kevin would occasionally shut his door in his office because he liked to surf porn sometimes. That did not bother me because in my mind at least he was not out a strip clubs, or lying about places he had been and he stayed away from me. There would be nights that I would wake up at 3oclock in the morning and Kevin would still be on the computer. I was starting to get concerned that he was getting addicted. There were things he wanted to try in our bedroom that were odd and weird to me. We got into a fight one night because I did not want to try some things he wanted me too. I kept my distance from him and told him that I think he may be developing a problem. He basically told me to f-off and he locked himself in his office. I went back to bed. I had just started to fall asleep when he turned the bedroom lights on. He was just standing in the doorway staring at me. I said, "Kevin, just turn off the lights. I am tired. He started flicking them on and off really fast and that stunned me. I said, "What the hell are you doing?" He said, "If I can't go to sleep, you can't go to sleep. In my mind I was thinking that he was acting crazy and immature. I asked him once again to please stop and just turn off the lights. I was worried that he was going to wake the children up as his voice was getting louder. So I stood on the bed and unscrewed the light bulb from the socket and laid back down thinking he would just give up. Before I knew it, I was being dragged by my ankles off the bed, my head slammed on the hardwood floor, and he started dragging down the stairs as my head hit with each step he dragged me down. I was whispering as loud as I could, "Kevin, please stop. You are going to wake the kids" Kevin looked at me with those cold, dark eyes and said loud, "I told you, if I can't sleep, than you can't sleep." He made me sit on the couch with all the lights on as he sat on the recliner. He was just glaring at me. I just kept looking back at him but I knew not to say a word. I tried to put my head back on the couch and he said' "Stay awake or I will make sure you do." So, I sat up again. I was hoping he would fall asleep so I could, but he just kept glaring at me. I dare not move or speak. A couple of times he asked me if I had anything to say to him. I just shook my head no. This went on all night. When the morning came he stood up, walked over to me and put his nose right up to mine. With his teeth gritted, he said, "Don't ever tell me I have a problem again. In my mind, his behavior was not consistent to the other arguments. Almost like I felt more that this behavior was more terrifying than the physical strikes. He was so calm. Like the calm before the storm. I know about tornados, and I know about hurricanes, Up to this point, my abuse from Kevin was just the beginning and our relationship had the dark skies and hail, but in a hurricane, there is something called "the eye of the storm" and that is the calmest, quietest part of the disaster that was ready to take place. I was standing in the middle of the eye of the storm with Kevin and major destruction was coming. For that moment, I became in a comotose state. I just stood still not knowing if I should keep standing there or run for my life. The eye of the storm was closing in......
"Over the eye of a hurricane,the air sinks and almost exhibits the charecteristic features of a high pressure area.Over any high pressure area, the wind will be light or calm.
It is safe to be over an eye of the storm but at the same time you should not forget that only half of the storm has crossed you and the other half is yet to cross you. If you remain stationary with heavy winds blowing in the opposite directions, could be life threatening."
Rest...regroup...return...