England bound.......

"I have only one regret in my life and it is this one thing....I did not stand by who I knew I was, but who I was told I was...." Catherine Seebauer Landers
I have never moved an entire home, 4 kids, and pets faster than I did before we boarded the plane to England. My mind was reeling as I did not have much time to think about what I was thinking about. I was terrified in moments when I heard no noise. I questioned every move I made and was not sure what the heck I was doing. I became robotic in my actions and choices. "Stand by your man...” kept running through my head....Stand by your man?? I later learned that I could only stand by me first so that I could stand by others. I did not realize that standing by "my man" would be a possible death sentence of body and mind. I was focused, but I cannot say that my focus was on anything except wanting to make it work with the father of my children. I loved him and I was committed....but, honestly, I was terrified of what would happen to me and the kids if I left him. I knew his possession of me was strong and he would not let me go without a fight. A fight that could have destroyed me or killed me.

We stayed in a military hotel for a couple of days and Kevin was very sweet to me. He coddled me and told me that he was going to make a difference and that we were going to be ok. I believed him...or I wanted to. The second night we were in the hotel, I was in the bathroom. I cannot remember why Kevin was angry as his angry pattern was erratic-sometimes with no reason. He stormed into the bathroom. I remember that we were going to take the kids out to eat and a movie and I was putting my make-up on. I looked at him and said...” what is wrong with you??" I could see that familiar look in his eyes. 'Here we go again...” is what went through my mind. I told him to leave me alone and let me get ready. I proceeded to put my lipstick on. It was a dark-pink color. I remember the color because he grabbed it out of my hand and grabbed my face and started drawing all over my face with the lipstick as he was saying-"Here, how is that....you want to wear lipstick? How is that?" When he threw the lipstick on the counter, I grabbed it and threw it at him and said...”You are the most immature man I have met...what a loser." He back-handed me as hard as I think he could. Once again, I was stunned and then I felt the blood drip down my face. I turned and looked in the mirror. I started crying....once again, I was still the abused wife...the victim...the weak woman that was not me...I looked at him and told him to leave me alone with a quiet voice and firm tone. The children were in the other room and I really thought that they would not know that their father hit me...again. I found out years later that they did and they resented me for the first time...I should have walked away right then...called the police...take a stance...but I just cried on the bathroom floor. I did not even know who I was anymore and because of that...I could not make a decision. Once again, I was methodical in my movements. I washed myself up and walked out of the bathroom with strong grace....I was ready to move to England and in my sickness, I was moving for him, with him and beside him. I was determined to be loyal to this man and make it work for the sake of the children....so wrong for me to accept that our marriage was nothing less than destructive and to use the kids to stay with him was a choice that hurt my children more than helped them. If knew then, what I know today by the words and memories from the kids...I would have left him years ago.

The next day...we boarded the plane. I made sure to distract the children and got them excited about going to a new land. I bought a whole bunch of books about England and the plane ride was wonderful. We had American sponsors and they were very kind to us. I planned on homeschooling the children as I did know what the schools were like. I was ready to just start again in a new world thinking that this geological fix would help our marriage. I was so very wrong as this deployment was the shift of destruction. It was the worst of our marriage and the nucleus that altered who I thought I was and who Kevin was. The evil that was born then was the beginning of a very bad road that both he and I walked on...but not hand in hand. We walked on separate sides of the street and the "potholes" were getting bigger. I had no idea how much my life was in danger and how much abuse I would have to endure. It really was the first chapter of our marriage ending. It was my "wilderness" in the bible and the wilderness was dark and scary. Please stay with me on this. The things that I am going to write are overwhelming. I need to take an emotional break for now, but I will write more in a few days.
Rest..regroup...return...