Hedonistic Honeymoon

I have been reflecting a lot on this very day because once
upon a time, it was a very happy day. 25 years ago today on a Saturday at 1:00
in the afternoon, Kevin and I were married. I want to write this entry because I
want to stress that Kevin and I did have some special moments together. I
stayed married to him for 18 years because I truly tried to hold onto “the
happy.” I remember the morning of this day very well. My father had wanted to
play an old song by Al Martino, I believe called Daddy’s Little Girl. But, the DJ we hired could not find the version of this song. So, my father approached me and told me that he was sorry that the father/daughter dance would have to be a different song. Although, secretly disappointed, I chose not show my disappointment. I knew my dad was already emotional about me leaving his care. He was a good father. I looked at
him and said, “It’s ok Dad. All I care about is our dance together.” He seemed relieved
with that.

We got married at the Church of Christ in Mountain Home Arkansas.
I had asked my twin sister, Caron, to be my maid of honor, but she was 9
months pregnant, so my best friend from high school –Tammy- was happy to step
in. My 2 younger sisters-Debbie and Susan- were my bridesmaids. Kevin’s best man was his brother Brain Landers and his groomsmen were his best friend Richie Locke and Jimmie DellaRatta. I chose the color of a soft pink because it was springtime and the flowers I carried down the aisle were my late mother’s favorite flower, the Gardenia.
Kevin wore a white tuxedo and my dress was a white strapless that had a tight
waist and then flared all the way to the floor. The train to the dress was very
long and Tammy did a great job helping maneuver it. My veil had soft lace
around the border and it trailed down my back. Kevin and I did the traditional
ceremony but also included a unity candle. A unity candle signifies two people coming
together as one. We kissed both of our parents on our way to the back of the church and then hopped in my father’s white Cadillac that was decorated with streamers and cans. We had our reception at a newly built hotel in Mt. Home called Bull Shoals Hotel. Our wedding reception was going to be the very first one they had at this hotel. This is how newly built the hotel was. Because the manager of the hotel wanted us to give great reviews on their service to our wedding party, they bent over backwards for us. It was so wonderful to be catered to. It was a beautiful place that overlooked the lake and the hills.
The reception was beautifully decorated and the DJ we hired was awesome. When
it was announced that my father and I go out on the dance floor, I knew this
was my moment with my father. My father took me in his arms and whispered to me,
“When I tap you on the shoulder I will be ready to stop dancing.” I knew what
my father was trying to tell me. My father did not want me or anyone else to
see him get emotional. So, I nodded and the music began. It WAS the old version of the song my father was trying to find. I looked at him puzzled and he told me that he asked KTLO radio station if they could transfer his old record onto a 45 record. Then-tears ran down my face. My father had driven to KTLO while I was getting ready for my wedding and did this for me. I will never forget this memory. It is etched on my heart forever.

Both my family and Kevin’s family had a great time. Of course all the New Yorkers, Chicagoans, Arkansans’ and everyone in between had a blast! It was a wonderful party. Brian’s toast to Kevin and I were these simple words,“Cath, I had to share a bedroom with him for 17 years. Now it’s your turn! God Bless you both!” Of course, this got many laughs and it was so-Brian! He has always been civil through my and Kevin’s problems/divorce. He and his wife are good people.

The reception lasted well into the night. Our Bridal Suite was onsite so Kevin and I did retire early. It was a beautiful suite with a huge bed, Jacuzzi, a gorgeous view, androom service. A bottle of champagne was chilling with a fruit basket and chocolate strawberries that the hotel provided. I had never been to a hotel room like this so I was in awe. After we made love, the first thing we did was count the money we received as gifts. I know, I know…sounds kind of cheesy. But keep in mind that Kevin was a student and I was going to New York with no job as of this moment so we needed all the money we could get! I remember we counted $525.00. That may not seem like a lot these days, but we were elated.
We had no money for a honeymoon and always said we would take one later in our marriage. Kevin never made time and I stopped planning on one after the beatings started. I had lowered myself to being thankful for moments of no beatings. I started enjoying his absence. I now know that I just was not a priority to him. Anyway, we left Mt. Home and headed to Hicksville, NY in my loaded down yellow Maverick. At one point my car ran out of gas, but other than that, the trip was not so bad considering we drove almost 22 hours with occasional pit stops. Looking back on that time, we were happy.

I cannot believe when I look in the mirror today, I could have been celebrating my 25th wedding anniversary on this very evening. 25 years is a milestone. KJ would be in college (like he is now) studying computers. M, without a doubt, would be a soccer scholarship student-athlete at a university studying business or marine biology. A and J would still be at home with me and their dad. Together Kevin and I would be addressing dating, teenage dramas and high school itself. Kevin’s and my long term life plan was for him to retire from the military at the 20 year mark. I would have my teaching degree and we would have already bought land in southern Tennessee and would have built a Log Cabin home. Kevin would have already planted trees and shrubs for his landscaping business and the business would be called Cullen
Landscaping in honor of his late grandfather. Kevin’s retirement would pay to help build his nursery up and my income would pay for living expenses and savings for the kid’s future. It was a perfect plan. I never considered I would be sitting here in front of this computer, writing about my “almost 25th wedding anniversary”. When I commit to something, I commit 100%. That included my vows to Kevin. I was devoted to him. I was loyal to him. I never cheated on him. I never betrayed him. I loved him and I truly wanted to live happily ever after. But fairytales only exist in books and this story ended with a wolf in sheep clothing and a damsel that was sick and tiredof being in distress.

Now I want to fast forward to my struggle with leaving Kevin.
I truly battled in my mind what choice would be the best choice for me and the
kids. Stay and hope for reconciliation? Stay and hope once again that he would finally keep his promise to “stop” and seek counseling together as a troubled couple?
Or, should I leave and take a chance of recreating a new HEALTHY identity.
A life absent of Kevin’s physical and sexual and emotional abuses. I kept thinking that when he got back from Iraq, that maybe we could go to counseling. Please understand, I struggled often with the thought of separating permanently from Kevin. After the numerous years of beatings, my body was feeling the difference. I considered leaving him during other deployments. And once again during this 2005 Iraq deployment, I was reconsidering not leaving him. I was tired of his abuses, but I still hoped for his changing. I was hoping that maybe by him facing a war and death, that he would see our relationship differently. Maybe he would appreciate me more. Maybe, maybe, maybe! But, the “maybes” came to a fierce stop.

Keep in mind that I stated above that we never had a honeymoon which honestly was not really a big deal to me. I understood that life gets busy with deployments, children and challenges but the only trips we ever took were because Kevin was getting reassigned to another location. Kevin and I always knew that after September 11th,
he would deploy to war. We just never knew what year that would be, so he and I
talked about after he returned back home from war, we could finally take the honeymoon we had never had. Kevin told me he would plan the whole trip because I had always taken care of him. I smiled at the thought of this promise. I remembered this promise for years and now the time had come for him to honor his duty as a soldier to go to war with his comrades. I was afraid for him, but quite honestly, I thought to myself, finally we will have our well needed honeymoon. As a military spouse, you do not want to think about your solider being killed. You have to keep sane by planning for his return. In my fairytale way of thinking, I thought that maybe this war would provide our marriage with a needed break from one another so that he would appreciate me more. Having said all of this, I received a phone call from Kevin
who was deployed. As a commander, he could call me frequently. He was in a “Green
Zone” and called me at least once-a-day. He told me that he had ordered a pamphlet
on our honeymoon trip to Jamaica. I had never been to Jamaica and I loved the thought of going somewhere I had never been before. Every time Kevin called me, he
would ask if I got the pamphlet and I would ask him to tell me a little bit
about his plans but he said it was a surprise. He had not surprised me in our
marriage with gifts, so this was elating to me. Finally, I felt like he saw me
more than just a cook, housekeeper, mother, or do I dare say-punching bag? One day I received the pamphlet about Jamaica. I was so excited. I opened up the envelope and the first few pages were pictures of the beautiful island of Jamaica!
Then as I turned the pages, it started to show images of adults dancing and
drinking with no clothes on and the words that kept jumping out at me, were ‘Adults
Only”. At first, I thought that was a good thing. It would be nice to get away from the kids. But I knew as I kept reading, what kind of beach it was. I should have known when I read the front page of the name of the resort. It was called Hedonism. At first, I did not know what this word meant but I soon figured it out by looking at the pictures and the descriptive words in the pamphlet. Words like “adult’s only” “nudity” “pleasure island” “exclusive sex” and the one word that hit me “Swingers”. I felt a slow sinking feeling in my entire body. Why this? Why now? At one moment in time, I regretted one evening. One moment that I thought would make Kevin love me more and then I told him NEVER again. I started to become angry with Kevin. He did not have the guts to tell me this over the phone? He just had this pamphlet mailed to me and wanted me to try to figure out WHAT kind of “honeymoon” he wanted with me? This was his idea of a vacation. This was my husband of 18 years idea of a honeymoon. This was his idea of a romantic trip. Right at that moment, I knew exactly how Kevin viewed me and honored me. I was his whore and whores should be ecstatic over a trip
like this? I felt degraded, used and dirty at that very moment. I just sat there
starring at the walls of Kevin’s office and then was jolted by the phone
ringing. I knew before answering that it was Kevin calling about his Swinger’s
Pamphlet. I slowly put the phone to my ear and he asked me if I got the
package. I coldly told him “yes”. He asked me what I thought about it. I sat
there for a moment and then asked him this question, “If you truly love me, why
would you want to bring me as your wife to a place like this so other men can
FUCK me?” He stuttered over his words and then started saying, “Well, we don’t
have to go to the nude beaches and we don’t have to go to the swingers party’s.
We can just hang out where ever you feel comfortable.” I lost it. I said, “Kevin,
what in the hell is wrong with you? I am not stupid or naïve. You will get me
there and then try to get me drunk and then you WILL manipulate me into doing
things I refuse to do. Then, you’ll beat me again! I REFUSE to go on this trip or any other trip with you-EVER!” I then hung up the phone. Kevin kept calling me, but I did not answer. I was crying because of my outburst of anger and my hurt feelings.
Heck, it was more than just hurt feelings. I had a hurt soul. My existence to
my husband was to use my body as bait to “fuck” other people. I am sorry to be
so abrupt with my words, but there is no other way to describe the feelings I had.
I hated him…hated him…hated him. He would never touch me again sexually without
me thinking that he would love nothing more than for “us” as a couple to share
this with others. A honeymoon trip would never occur with me and Kevin. At that
very moment, I determined we would NEVER have another anniversary. Out of an 18
year marriage, Kevin had beaten me regularly since our 2nd year of
marriage. No more. I was drained, hurt and scared of my pending future of
leaving this one man who loved me like he loved his tools. He only loved me,
when he could use me to satisfy his insecurities or build up his walls around
me. I knew where I stood with Kevin and I knew that no matter what I did it would
be possible that I would be standing alone when I decided to leave Kevin. I needed
to save my life and reclaim my self-worth. I could not count on Kevin to keep
his promises.“That you may retain your self-respect, it is better to displease the people by doing what you know
is right, than to temporarily please them by doing what you know is wrong.”~William J.H. Boetcker

REST...REGROUP...RETURN...