I woke up the next day. The sunlight was shining in my eyes and I feared another fight from Kevin but he was gone and I was glad. I had no energy to battle him. My children were still sleeping and I made some coffee and got on the computer.
I hardly ever got on the computer as Kevin was on it all the time with work and school, but I had an email account and I checked my incoming emails. There was nothing worth- while except a few advertisements and jokes. No emails from family and something inside me snapped. I despised that I was living this lie with my kids. I despised that my friends and family had no idea because I became a great "fake" of talking about how wonderful everything was. After being degraded in front of my peers, my kids, and my neighbors then locked out of my home and being "put in my place" I had enough so I sent a mass email to both Kevin's side of the family and mine. I sent the email to my parents, my siblings, Kevin's parents and family. It was on Brian Lander's birthday which I did not know until later. I did feel bad about that as it was not my intention to send an email like this on his birthday. I basically wrote-"I cannot do this anymore...I hate my marriage, my life and I am leaving Kevin if he does not change.." Not one person in either side of both families responded at all. Not from the Landers...not from the Seebauers.....I was standing alone and the message was clear-I was by myself and I sat still in the computer chair. I froze. I guess I thought I would get some type of response, but no one did. From then on I learned that my family did not have the time or energy to deal with me and Kevin. Maybe they felt like we were exaggerating because we were in a foreign country-not being able to handle the deployment but that was not it, after being ignored with my pleas for help...I NEVER asked for help or guidance again for many years until my divorce from Kevin. In my divorce, I received the same response...maybe worse. My family wanted me to 'fix" my marriage. I will talk about that later in my blog as the story behind betrayal from my family is very deep.
Back to England- After I came to the conclusion that my plea for attention was ignored, I started to do some research on our computer. I went into Kevin’s email account. Back then, email accounts would automatically open when you logged in. I never went on the computer much except to check emails occasionally, but for once I dug alot deeper. Kevin had been communicating with couples in England through a swinger’s site. I had heard of swingers on TV, but never really paid attention, until I started reading the emails. I was stunned and angry. I had no idea that Kevin was sharing private pics of him and i with others. Kevin told me that he wanted to take pictures of me for him to take to the field with him, but he lied. He was sharing them with others. I found out that he was trying to set us up with other couples. I was numb, embarrassed, and hurt. He betrayed my trust, my body and my nudity with others. I almost felt raped by people that saw these pictures of me that I had shared with ONLY my husband.
I waited for him to get home. I waited for the children to sleep and then I ripped into him with my words. "How could you???...what the hell are you doing??...How dare you betray me...??? My voice was screeching and I knew that the kids would hear me, but I could not help it. My heart and soul was bleeding and screaming in hurt and my voice showed it. I remember I grabbed the computer, and I tried to shove it off the desk telling Kevin that I hated him and the computer. I was grabbing for an excuse for our horrible marriage at the time, the computer was a safe object to destroy.....he punched me square in the face. I remember seeing stars and I jolted my vision to see him. His face was crunched up and spit was coming out of his mouth. I remember he was breathing really hard. I looked at him and ran into the hallway and tried to get away from him. All I remember is that my face was skidding across the rug and then nothing.....I woke up and I was out of it. My head hurt and I touched where I hurt. My head was bleeding alot. I still remember trying to think what exactly happened .I was looking around and all I saw was Kevin’s shadow leaving the room.
Once again, I was still stunned. I stood up still touching my head and I turned around. I could see that on the corner of the fireplace was alot of blood and hair I think. I touched my head again and then I went to the bathroom. My reflection was unrecognizable to me. My nose and face had blood all over it and my hair was a mess. I took a towel and wiped my face and I could see that i had a scrap across my lips from the rug. I think my nose was broken...again. This is the night I know I got epilepsy.
“The most common types of injuries are cuts, bruises and burns, but more serious injuries can occur. For example, people can hit their head and suffer a concussion or a more serious head injury with bleeding into the brain. People can break bones when they fall or choke during or after a seizure. If a seizure occurs in the water, drowning can occur. Additionally, people who have other medical problems or are pregnant can develop other medical complications from a seizure."
I still kept looking at myself in the mirror. I just kept staring at myself. Where do I go? Where do I end? Where do I begin? There was a knock on the door. It was Kevin and he was crying. I could hear him slumped on the floor, begging me to forgive him. He told me the kids were crying and they wanted me. I did not say a word. I just kept looking at my reflection and thinking.......I could make my reflection disappear right now and no one would really care....but then something inside me told me to look closer. I was not a quitter. I was strong, smart, pretty and needed. My kids needed me. I refused to give Kevin the satisfaction of hurting me on the outside. I became a little more empowered this evening not knowing I would have a battle with epilepsy later in my life. All I knew was that I was going to survive because I deserved to. I had no idea how hard my battle with Kevin Landers would be but I am still standing.
"We all have the instinct to survive. Most of us choose to not to pay attention to the keys we are given. It took me me awhile, but now I hold the keys of freedom in my soul.....LET GO" ~Catherine Landers
REST…REGROUP…..RETURN……
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