As you can see in this collage, I have several baby pictures of you. I do still hope your your baby photo album exists in your fathers care. It held all the rest of your childhood milestones while your sisters, your brother and I were in your life.
Much time has past and you and I have missed out on moments that mothers and sons should share. But, one day you will be given information by myself and others that will allow you to "fill in the gaps" of a story you've been told that most likely does not make sense.
Until then-I want you to know that I treasured every moment you and I shared. Especially the times when your older siblings were in school and it was just you and me. You made me laugh everyday with your sense of humor, your mischievous ways and your sweetness to everyone around you. Specific moments when you got stuck in the pantry because you wanted Oreo cookies after I told you no. I had a hard time reprimanding you because right when I unstuck the door-you looked at me and said-
"I didn't eat any cookies Mommy" as Oreo cookie crumbs were covering your face.
You had a way of tattling on yourself without knowing it. Another time you came running in from outside and sat next to me and said-
"Mommy, I didn't knock Kev's bike over"
I had to try not to chuckle at your innocence of lying to me but telling me the truth at the same time.
Everything you did-you went head first without fear. When you were 41/2 years old, you climbed on your big brothers bike and starting peddling. I asked you who taught you to ride and with your big brown eyes you looked at me and said-
"I did because I want to ride bikes with the big boys.
While we were stationed at Fort Belvoir you did not hesitate to jump off the diving board at the Officers Club Pool when you were 5 years old. Everyone including the lifeguards would scream-
"Body slam Justin" and sure enough you would hop 3 times and body slam the water. You defiantly put grey hairs on my head. :) Everyone was in love with your cuteness and bravery. You were always hungry for knowledge and asked me questions constantly like-
"Mommy if you dug a whole here in the United States would you be able to reach China?"
No was not a good enough answer for you. Many times you and I would go to the library and research your questions that you asked me because I did not always have an answer that satisfied you. While trying to help you understand your questions-I learned real fast that it only caused your sweet mind to ask even more questions that popped into you head. We spent ALOT of time at the library and reading books and to be honest-some of your questions helped me learn something new as well. I remember every moment we shared in detail and maybe one day we can reminisce about them.
You went a mile a minute from the time you got up until the time you went to bed. But at the end of the day-you would want me to sing to you as I rubbed your chest and belly. I can still picture you laying in your bed with your hands behind your head, your feet crossed, eyes closed and smiling as you would drift off to sleep. Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star was one of your favorite songs. You also liked" Look at Teddy, He's So Tired.." and Too Ra Loo Ra Loo Ra.
I do wish I had one more night to sing you those songs but now that you are a young man-your life's path is turning from a funny, goofy, sweet boy to a more serious, focused, independent young man. I have lost much time with you but never for one moment do not think that I wasn't cheering you on in the shadows, shedding tears of missing you, and hoping that you dreamed about me the way I always dream about you.
Speaking of dreaming-
One night, close to the time of the divorce, you came running up to my side of the bed and asked me if you could sleep with me. You had a bad dream and without ever turning down a cuddle from any of you children, I held you close to me. As you started to get tired-You said-
"Mommy, can you hold my hand and keep holding it until I fall asleep?"
Of course I said yes but I did ask you why you wanted me to.
Your response is one I will never forget.You said-
"Because if a monster comes into my dream I want you to pull me away from him ok Mommy?"
What you don't know Justin is I never went to sleep that night because I was afraid that if I fell asleep and you had a bad dream, I wouldn't be awake to pull you out of it. I NEVER let go of your hand. I made you a promise and I kept it. Justin I will make another promise to you. I promise I am still the same mom you remember. I have not changed and I look forward to the day that you will see that for yourself. Please do not allow others to put delusions in your mind of what or who I am. I am still me, just a little older. My love for you has never changed-EVER.
I have prayed that I could have been there for you all these years to hold your hand through the sad and happy times but we cannot change the past. We can only control today and how we respond to it.
I am immensely proud of you. Not just because of what you are to me as my son but what you strive to be as a young man. Do not allow others to take credit for the choices you made and will make. You will make bad choices and you will make good choices but this is your life now to choose who you want to be, how you want to be and where you want to take yourself. This is your journey and I as your mother am cheering you on to become whatever makes you happy.
This about you and no one else. As you did when you were a little boy-go full force and never look back. Give life a "body slam" and be proud that you survived childhood. I won't try to hold you back but if you ever want to grab my hand because things are getting a little scary-
I want you to know my sweet Justy that my hand and heart is waiting for your grasp whenever you are ready.
Be at peace and know that you are loved by all of us-
I love you Justin-
Mom
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