A mothers love.....

“Your children have come into this world because of the two of you. Perhaps you two made lousy choices as to whom you decided to be the other parent. If so, that is YOUR problem and YOUR fault.

“No matter what you think of the other party — or what your family thinks of the other party — these children are one-half of each of you. Remember that, because every time you tell your child what an ‘idiot’ his father is, or what a ‘fool’ his mother is, or how bad the absent parent is, or what terrible things that person has done, you are telling the child half of HIM is bad.

“That is an unforgivable thing to do to a child. That is not love! That is possession. If you do that to your children, you will destroy them as surely as if you had cut them into pieces, because that is what you are doing to their emotions.

“I sincerely hope that you do not do that to your children. Think more about your children and less about yourselves, and make yours a selfless kind of love, not foolish or selfish, or your children will suffer.”

~ Judge Michael Haas 2001

When I was going through my divorce with Kevin, a very dear friend from church shared Judge Haas’s above quote with me. I made it a point to save it and read it often, especially when Kevin was being so hateful to me and any of the kids that did not obey his wishes to disown & ignore me.

KJ, Megan, Amanda & Justin never asked for me and Kevin to marry and they sure as heck didn’t ask for us to divorce. It is not their fault and I feel confident that KJ, Megan, Amanda and Justin accept this from me.  

My children can attest that I have NEVER asked them to hate their father. I have never accused Kevin of physically abusing our children - he beat me. I did have concerns that he would sometimes turn his anger on the kids, but not with fists – “only” with words. Did I have concerns? Sure I did. The children voiced concern over their father’s behavior towards me & them during our marriage & since the divorce. Now, looking back, my neglect to stop the abuse was just as emotionally damaging to all of us. Kevin and I were not a good example of a husband/wife’s relationship and our kids do have reasons to dislike both of us.

It does not matter to me anymore what is believed by the general public and I will no longer try to remind our children of the “abuse reasons” that prompted me to file for divorce. They know.

The separation/divorce occurred in 2005 when our 4 children were ages: 14, 12, 10 & 8 years old. Now at ages 23, 21, 19 & 17 they must make their own choices and whatever their reasoning’s or choices - I love them. No conditions, no manipulations and no judgments. They have been through enough already.

 I have always known that our kids need to hold onto the good times between their mom and their dad. At 46 years, I still close my eyes and smile at the laughter I shared with my siblings and mom and dad. If we don’t hold on to those, then we die with the possible misery that our lives were a waste and I am here to tell my children that their lives were the best thing that ever happened to me. That their 4 lives saved mine.

Forever, Kevin Sr., myself, and our 4 children known and will never forget the truth with the 18 years that we were together as a family. This is a bond that can never be broken. Our lives will go down in history and it is now up to our children to choose where their futures proceed. Their father and I no longer have the “legal” power to determine what paths they choose. I am here no matter what - I will always love them.

I have written my blog to tell my story. My story ends here with my marriage and divorce from Kevin and will continue with my future and those that enter my life. I will write about my adult children and eventually the families they create together. I so look forward to being a part of the milestones they have and to the happy tomorrows.  

 I am not, nor have I ever been in a competition to gain the most “love points.” I have always pleaded with Kevin Sr. to stop all the “back and forth’s” and focus on our kids. We need to encourage them as young adults to move on because we love them regardless of our downfalls. Our 4 children need us to be there for them as “Mom and Dad” as they face being adults in an unfair world.

Divorced couples can love their kids more than they hate each other. I have always been willing to try to do this because I have and will forever love our children with every ounce of me.

So, for today, I am proud at how our children have overcome such challenging obstacles that children should never have to face. They will make mistakes but I sure hope they take me and their fathers marriage and divorce as a learning tool to make better choices than we did.  

What I have learned today is, there are positives that Kevin and I are both blessed with-together and apart.

I am so grateful that we share 4 beautiful, healthy, productive kids and we can’t take that away from each other. Kevin and I created their bodies together and we need to work together as responsible, loving parents to encourage their hearts to be at peace with their Father and Mother. Every child deserves the love from both parents without conditions.

KJ, Megan, Amanda and Justin are our children and for that, WE ARE BLESSED because they gave us the titles of "Dad" and "Mom." Thanks kids. :)

REST...REGROUP...RETURN