Destruction of the love sealed in the "Memory Chest"

I had an old, big antique camel back chest that my father gave me-very similar to the one above. My children and their father remember it. Melody also recalled the memory chest that was sitting in the garage of Kevin Sr's home when she called me back in 2006.

It was not a fancy chest, but it was huge and I knew exactly what I was going to use it for.

I am a sentimental person. I treasure things that touch my heart. I treasure words written on a sheet of paper by my siblings. I treasured a clown doll that my twin and I dragged around as little girls. I treasured my childhood memories that my parents shared with me to pass on to my children. Things like pictures that I had colored as a little girl and crafts that I had made for my parents. My children loved to hear the stories behind the pictures. Those intimate moments that I shared with my children compelled me to realize how important physical items-even if they did not have dollar value-were extremely important to go back to a time that none of us can ever physically return too. We can paint a picture through our own memories. Sort of like when we smell something that reminds us of a place or a person. It’s a sensory reminder that brings us back in time.

I treasured items given to me with love no matter the expense. I treasure the flowers that were given to me and dried each one in my favorite book. I treasured all the love notes my ex husband sent me when we were separated while we were engaged. I treasure the little things like a rock that I remember bringing back from the Berlin Wall when I traveled to Europe in high school. I treasure the scarf my late grandma gave to me. I could still smell her perfume on it. I treasure the things my father and my late mother gave to me like pictures I colored for them as a child. Heritage that I held on to. Heritage that I wanted to pass on to my children.

I called the chest my father gave me-“The memory chest”

When Kevin Sr.’s parents moved to their current home, Kevin’s mom asked me if I would like some of the items that she saved when Kevin was a child. Of course, I said yes.

She gave me Kevin Sr.’s Boy Scout uniform. She gave me his Hicksville Little League baseball uniform when he was a child. It was little white baseball pants and an orange polyester t-shirt. She gave me a bobble head baseball doll. But, the most treasured thing from my ex husband was a fishing box. It was a small and worn down yellow lure box. Inside were lures and hooks that Kevin had used when he went fishing with his late grandfather “Brick”Cullen. Being a fisher-woman, I understood the importance of this box. You see, it’s not jus about catching the “big one”, it’s the whole experience. It’s about the talks and the silent moments while you sit and hope that you get a bite. Only true fishermen would understand what I’m trying to say. I treasured that box and I know Kevin Sr.(my ex) did too. Kevin Sr. loved his grandfather Brick and it was his grandfather that ignited his love for landscaping. I know for a fact Kevin Sr. would have NEVER thrown that fishing box away.

I saved Kevin Sr.’s childhood memories in “The Memory Chest”.

When Kevin and I found out we were pregnant with our first child, we were elated. When the doctor did the first ultrasound he asked if we wanted to know the sex of the baby. Kevin said yes and I said no. So, the doctor wrote the sex of our baby on a sheet of paper and handed it to Kevin. When the doctor did the ultra sound, the baby was the size of a grain of rice. Hence, we referred to our baby as ‘Ricey”

When Kevin and I jumped into our Ford pickup truck in the hospital parking lot, I looked at him and without seeing the paper I knew immediately we were going to have a boy.

I saved that piece of paper and the ultrasound picture.

We agreed not to tell anyone as we wanted our family to be excited so we kept it a secret.

Kevin’s parents, Jim and Becky were elated. They had John’s son Nathan as a grandchild, but they were ready for more. When I was about 7 months pregnant, Kevin’s father Jim made a video of me and his grandson inside me.

I laid on the floor in the family room of Jim and Becky’s home in Brandon Mill subdivision, Fayetteville, GA and let Jim video his grandson moving inside my body. The video was so wonderful. I know it seems odd for me to write all the details of Where, When and Why but it will make sense as I continue to write.

I saved that video and our son Kevin (KJ) watched it many times as a young boy. He was intrigued. He asked me once-“Mommy, did I hurt you when I moved in your belly?”

I looked at him and smiled and told him- “it kind of tickled” and he would giggle.

That video was the first documented memory that Kevin and I shared in reference to our children. Kevin Sr. and I watched that video several times. We felt blessed that we could document our “Ricey” which turned out to be our first son KJ. I often wonder if Kevin's father Jim Landers kept a copy of that video, I am certain that our copy was destroyed when I was no longer a part of our childrens household. I hope Jim("Poppy" as his grankids call him) did not get rid of his copy because although I am in the video, his grandson KJ is as well.

While pregnant with KJ, I asked Becky (Kevin’s mother) if she had saved the outfit that she brought Kevin (my ex) home in when he was born. I knew that Becky was sentimental like me and I was thrilled when she dug out from a sealed box the outfit her first son came home in. It was all white-a vest with seperate little bloomers and embroidery on the vest. It was so lovely.

When my son Justin was born, he also wore the same outfit. It was important to me to hold on to a family heirloom.

I carefully sealed and saved that outfit for our children to pass on.

 When Becky was going through her sons baby items, she also gave me a brown teddy bear. When KJ was a toddler, I gave him a small, brown teddy bear. It was worn down a little bit, but I gave it to KJ and told him that this was his daddy's teddy bear when he was little. KJ slept with that bear every night and of course called him-Teddy.

When our first daughter Megan was born, Becky (Kevin’s mom) had made a beautiful light pink dress with gorgeous embroidery to take our daughter home in. Megan is Jim and Becky’s first granddaughter and they were so thrilled. Hence the dress that Becky made became the dress that our youngest daughter Amanda came home in as well.

I carefully sealed and saved that dress for our girls to pass on.

The very first pair of shoes that each of my children wore, I put in a box and wrote on the bottom of the right foot of each shoe their birth date and initials.

I saved them in the Memory Chest

I was raised a catholic until about the age of 14 and I was confirmed as a catholic child. When my mom and dad started to go through their boxes in the attic, they asked me if I would like to have the confirmation dresses that my twin Caron and I wore on our confirmation day. I remember the day very well. We received a pink Bible, a certificate and a rosary. I held those very close to me.

Of course, I took the dresses. I packed them away and thought that my girls would love to wear these dresses one day just for a“ dress up”.

After our first daughter Megan was born, I slowly built a“ dress up” chest. I would go to thrift stores and buy scarfs, hats, and cheap jewelry along with costumes and makeup. I would wait until Halloween costumes went on sale and I would buy them to add to the collection of the ‘dress up box”. I asked my twin if it would be ok with her if I let my daughters wear our confirmation dresses. Having no daughters, she said yes.

My daughters and their friends played dress up all the time. I took many pictures and videos of their “cuteness”. I know that all those videos have destroyed.

Like me, my girls Megan and Amanda loved Little House On The Prairie. Kevin Sr.’s mom, Becky/Magaw loved the series as well and decided to make our daughter’s Ingalls - like dresses, bloomers and bonnets so they could pretend to be Laura and Mary Ingalls. I remember that one dress was a green base with tiny pink flowers and the other dress was a pink base with tiny yellow and green flowers. Their bloomers and bonnets were white. Every single day for months, Meg and Mandy would put on their outfits and watch the Little House on the Prairie video that their Magaw made for them.

I saved those beautiful outfits and that video for my girls in “The Memory Chest”

When my son Justin was younger, The movie Toy Story was his all time favorite. When Halloween rolled around he begged me to buy him a Buzz Light Year and Woody costume. He was Buzz Light year that year but after Halloween passed, Justin alternated his Buzz Light Year costume and Woody costume each day. One day he would run errands with me as Buzz and other days he was Woody.

I saved those costumes as well.

I always enjoyed doing crafts with my kids and they made many. I saved each one with their names and the date they made them. I treasured every picture, clay statue, card, and any creation that their sweet minds and hands created. I guess I was a hoarder in a sense because I saved every picture, every card, every craft and every note.

I brought my love of reading to my kids and encouraged them to pick books to read. I would volunteer at the Scholastic Book fairs in any home we lived in so I could get discounts on reading materials.

The children’s collection of books was abundant and awesome. KJ loved the Goosebumps chronicle & Harry Potter and Megan had a collection of Nancy Drew. They also had encyclopedias, and classics like Moby Dick, Gulliver’s Travels, The Swiss Family Robinson and this is just the beginning.

Amanda loved the paper doll books and she eventually got into the books her big sister loved. Justin loved dinosaurs and bug books which was awesome because I loved them too.

My intention was to build a library of books so that my children could pass on their favorite books to their children.

I saved every book, journal and magazine that my children loved.

Christmas in our Landers’ home was always so wonderful. It was wonderful because Kevin Sr. seemed to be really happy. All of us loved when he was happy.

Kevin’s mother had passed on a traditional Christmas ornament to us. It was an ornament called “Mousey”. It was a crafted mouse sitting on a swing and my ex husband loved this ornament as a child. Our tradition was…to take turns decorating the Christmas tree with our favorite ornaments. Of course, my children would get excited when their dad-Kevin-put his “Mousey” on the tree.

Each year, I would take my children to shop for an ornament they loved. I recall one year that Amanda picked out a Cinderella ornament. Of course Justin had several dinosaur ornaments. Dinosaur ornaments were hard to find but Hallmark had every kind of ornament you could think of. When Justy and I could not find a reptile ornament, we would go to Walmart and make one. Megan of course, had many soccer ornaments and KJ had guitar and musical ones.

On the bottom of each ornament, I put my children’s name and age at the year they picked them out. My intention was to eventually box each of our children’s ornaments up and give the box to them when they moved away from home.

I saved every ornament over my 18 year marriage with the dates written on them.

As our children got older and going to school, I started a file system in the “Memory Chest”.

Because I volunteered a lot in the school system, I had free access to the art department. With permission, I collected 4 different colors of poster board. I folded the poster board in half and stapled 3 sides. Each color was for each child and the kids knew which color was theirs. I started to file separately each of my children’s memories so that one day, I could just hand over the huge “poster board” files full of things they could hold on to.

It is necessary for me to be specific about what was in that chest because Kevin Sr. knows and so do our children exactly what was in that chest. It is very important to go into specific details so it cannot be said that those items never existed. I trying to ignite memories that my ex-husband so desperately tried to wipe away from our 4 children minds because of his hate for me.

Kevin Sr.’s late grandmother (everyone called her Maw-Maw) loved to quilt and had made several for our family. When we found out we were pregnant, Maw-Maw had made a small quilt for each of our children. There was a little tag on the back side that said-“Made with love by Maw-Maw.”

I also had those baby quilts in the Memory Chest.

There were times that the kids and I would sit and shuffle through “The Memory Box”. They had seen all the items in there a million times but they like to hear the stories. Looking back, I realize now that the kids liked to hold onto the “happy” memories with their Mom and Dad. It soothed them.

When I filed for divorce, and I was going through all the insanities in the courts, my biggest demand was-“I want the Memory Chest”. It was my most valuable possession. I never got it. It has also been stated publically by Melody that Kevin has saved memories and items of his children. My children remember what was in the “Memory Chest”. It will be interesting to see what Kevin Sr. comes up with to try to dispute that he never threw away anything from the Memory Chest.

I can understand my ex husband getting rid of all my things. Divorce is horrible, mean and ugly. There is no way around the hurt and hate. But, today, with the behavior of Kevin and Melody, they held no value to “The Memory Chest.” According to sources, the “Memory Chest” was hauled off to the dump along with every other thing that they did not want in reference to me. What is so sad about this is that I am the mother of Kevin’s four children. I will always be present because of that. He tried to punish me but now our children have no legacy to pass on. There are no pictures, letters, items that our children can sit down on a sofa and look at their children or grandchildren and say…“Well, let me tell you the story behind this.” I do understand that fires and tornados can destroy these very things, but when people actively throw things away to try to wipe away a memory of someone else-It shows their insecurities and weakness and a question of “What do they have to hide?”.Destroying physical memories to try to hurt another desperately hurts the children involved. I can never recover “The Memory Chest” but I still will continue to write and share with my kids the “good times” from their past.

The picture posted are 4 crafts that I was able to smuggle out of my and Kevin’s home through our divorce. I had these 4 little clay bowls on my dresser for years. Each one is made from my 4 children and all are engraved with their initials. I displayed them on our dresser at every location Kevin and I went to with pride and I told the story behind each of them. I had many more crafts made by our kids, but these were the very first ones their little hands created.

I have written a prior blog entry called “The Fire”. If you read it, it will describe that I have let go of everything lost in my divorce. Now I know what people go through when a fire consumes their entire home. It is a loss like no other. You stand in awe and realize that nothing else matters but the safety of your family and the loss of any physical item that could have been your legacy. There are no scarf’s that my children can smell. There are no pictures or crafts. There are no Christmas ornaments that they treasured. There are no items that their parents had when they were younger. There are no favorite stuffed animals or books they can cling to. There are no letters or words written on a simple piece of paper that tells a story. There are just ashes of a past that they try to cling to. Each year that goes by, my children lose a little bit more of their happy memories with me and their father because there is no item to bring them back. My ex husband thought that if he threw away everything that reminded our children of me, that they would forget about me. He did not consider that all those memories locked away in the “Memory Chest ”symbolized the happy moments. Now our children slowly only remember where their minds take them because there is “no happy” symbol of a moment of their father playing little league and mom running track. No Christmas memory of their Dad hanging up “Mousey” on the Christmas tree. No memory of “once upon a time” their mom and dad fell in love. In the end, our children will be the most hurt.

So, I write this entry in a sentimental way. No doubt, my ex husband was mean to me and currently pushes his children aside unless they hate me. I hope changes take place for the sake of our children. When I was forced out of my children’s lives, I was able to smuggle my 3 older children’s photo albums from our home in Fayetteville, NC but I could not find my youngest son Justin’s album. Later, one of my children told me that Justin had his album under his bed. He loved looking at his pictures of his birthdays, family and friends. I pray that his baby album still exists.

So for now, I end with this:

I have learned that liars will always be liars until they tell the truth. I have learned that no matter what we lose in our lives that everyday that we wake up is another day to gain a little more than we had the day before. I have learned that a hug, and I mean a powerful hug, can make someone else melt in your arms and feel relief. I have learned that we are all dying, we all age, we all hurt and we all experience some happiness. But there is a “one thing” that can bring us back to a place where we smile. That “one thing” is different to all of us but equally important to discover and treasure. Hence, all the physical items from the memory chest are gone from this earth, but I will continue to write to keep these memories alive in my children’s hearts and minds.

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